So tonight is the last class of this session and I'm nervous about it but I also really don't care. Which is a horrible horrible horrible thing to say because it's not true. I do care. I want to go in there and do well. There are 11 people in the class and the last exercise is paired-up partner work, so I get to do two scenes and I'm thrilled that I get to do two scenes and I'm thrilled that I get to do two so very different scenes and I love my scene partners and I don't want to go in there and let them down.
That being said, since the time that this session of classes started to now, I have watched the efforts of the past year sort of go up in smoke. That's hard to take. When you pour your heart and soul into something and find out it's just not enough, that hurts. It hurts enough to inspire a person to rethink his or her goals and try to reevaluate how to get there, if she still wants to get there. And it can sour a person on the whole "being an artist" thing.
I will always be an artist. I will always come up with ideas for songs and projects and I will always love performing. The question is, do I still need to be an artist outside of my own home, or could I be happy living the 9 to 5 lifestyle, creating stuff that nobody else ever sees or hears or experiences? The answer is, I don't know.
The frustrating part is that I am a good actor. I'm doing well in these classes. My classmates like working with me. My classmates like watching me. My teachers have some really wonderful things to say about my work. Which means that there are about fifteen people who know I'm really good at this and who would encourage me to continue to pursue my dreams. Outside of that circle of fifteen people, I can't get anyone to give me the time of day at the moment. I know some people who would be in a position to help me and I have asked in the past and nothing really has come of it. I know people who could help my music career, too, but I somehow can't get them to spend three minutes listening to a song. The greatest skill that I lack as a performer is the ability to network. I'm horrible at it. I hate the inane getting-to-know-you chit-chat. I hate coming off as an opportunist. I hate being constantly sized-up. I'm horrible at tooting my own horn. And if I am going to go anywhere in my career as an artist, that is exactly what I am going to have to do. The question is, in the face of my recent onslaught of rejections, do I have the energy, confidence, and motivation to do that all on my own? The answer is, I don't know.
So in the meantime, I'm going to my class tonight to do my two scenes and I hope they go well. If they don't, though, it's not the end of the world. This session will end either way and I still get to sit and think about whether or not I want to continue with these classes. It sounds like several of the people I enjoy working with in the class will not be continuing, which is another factor to consider.
I don't know. I honestly don't. I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point, and I hope I start to care again soon because I really do love this and I love being the girl who dreams big. But it hurts when your big dreams turn into big disappointments and sometimes, you just gotta take the time to heal. I have loved this class and I love my classmates, but I think I may need some time to heal and for that reason, I'm glad it is the last class of the session.
29 March 2010
16 March 2010
Ick
I just felt icky after last night's class. In my scene, I was stuck between a gross place and an even grosser place - do I stay with the uber creepy guy or the violent guy? Disclaimer: I was in no physical danger in the scene at any point. Not even close. We just had this really off-the-wall set-up for our improv scene that just left me feeling icky. And the fun part is, it was based on an actual play. Which we knew going in, but I didn't know what play. Now I kind of wish I didn't know which play because I don't particularly like the author. I know, I know, he's famous and everyone loves him and his stuff is classic, but I hate the female characters that he writes. Hate them. I had to play one in a scene in class in college and it still goes down as one of the worst classroom experiences I've had. If you're going to play, you should do so in class, yes? My scene partner wanted me to essentially do a caricature of this woman the way everyone else ever has played her, and I wanted to do something a little different and it was just bad. Just plain bad. And I really didn't like that teacher very much, either, so I'm kind of soured on this particular author. Which may be why I just ended up feeling icky last night.
I don't think it was bad work that I did last night. But I wasn't the character as she is written in the play. Which makes sense, as I didn't know what play the scene was based on. The teacher told me I have to reach about ten levels lower on the despair ladder to get where this character needs to be and the funny thing is, in my prep, I was there. But then I walked in and my partner was all kinds of creepy and I just got defensive. So of course I go home and beat myself up for not nailing the character, even though I didn't know who she was supposed to be. I got a lot of things right - all she really has is her sexuality, so my costuming choices were right. But I hadn't lost all hope or all respect for myself. Which may be the fundamental difference between myself and the female characters written by this particular author. I don't know. I'm getting a copy of the script because we are supposed to start working on the scene for our final class, so we'll see what she's really like.
I think it could be really good for me to play the type of character I don't normally get to play.
I think also, that in my real life right now, I am trying so hard to find the positives and keep myself sane and find some sort of belief in myself that I just couldn't lose all of that on stage last night. I'm feeling a little better, though still antsy, and I'm making the plans that I can make, not knowing what's going on. And I have to do those things. If I just let myself be lost and disgruntled and sad, I scare the crap out of my family and friends. Myself sometimes, too. But I'm holding it together at the moment and it's possible that it was just too hard for me to let it all unravel last night, particularly with my uber creepy partner like that.
Here's hoping I get a present soon so I can either hit bottom and know what that's like so I can put it on stage, or so I can regain some faith in myself so I know it's okay to hit bottom on stage. I know that makes no sense to you and that's okay. It makes perfect sense to me.
I don't think it was bad work that I did last night. But I wasn't the character as she is written in the play. Which makes sense, as I didn't know what play the scene was based on. The teacher told me I have to reach about ten levels lower on the despair ladder to get where this character needs to be and the funny thing is, in my prep, I was there. But then I walked in and my partner was all kinds of creepy and I just got defensive. So of course I go home and beat myself up for not nailing the character, even though I didn't know who she was supposed to be. I got a lot of things right - all she really has is her sexuality, so my costuming choices were right. But I hadn't lost all hope or all respect for myself. Which may be the fundamental difference between myself and the female characters written by this particular author. I don't know. I'm getting a copy of the script because we are supposed to start working on the scene for our final class, so we'll see what she's really like.
I think it could be really good for me to play the type of character I don't normally get to play.
I think also, that in my real life right now, I am trying so hard to find the positives and keep myself sane and find some sort of belief in myself that I just couldn't lose all of that on stage last night. I'm feeling a little better, though still antsy, and I'm making the plans that I can make, not knowing what's going on. And I have to do those things. If I just let myself be lost and disgruntled and sad, I scare the crap out of my family and friends. Myself sometimes, too. But I'm holding it together at the moment and it's possible that it was just too hard for me to let it all unravel last night, particularly with my uber creepy partner like that.
Here's hoping I get a present soon so I can either hit bottom and know what that's like so I can put it on stage, or so I can regain some faith in myself so I know it's okay to hit bottom on stage. I know that makes no sense to you and that's okay. It makes perfect sense to me.
09 March 2010
Update
See, the thing is this. I'm good at this. I'm really good at this. I feel like a total bitch saying I'm good at this, but I'm good at this.
My exercise in class last night felt really weird. The character was very close to where I am in my own life right now - sort of one last shot to make it as an actor or she has to give it up completely. I've been feeling that way lately, in large part because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere and the rejections right now just really hurt. Really hurt. It's a question of do I keep trying even though it hurts more than I can tell you, or do I give up on my dreams which will hurt more than I can tell you so hopefully I'll feel better later on? Neither is a good choice. And the character I played last night was desperate to fix things so that she could continue to be an actor. But I don't feel like I really got to release everything in my release - I was an absolute mess over the weekend when I determined my mantra for this character is "I'm not done being an actor yet," but when I said those words in class, they just felt different. I didn't implode. I cried, but it was very soft. And then, of course, the scene was set up so I didn't know my partner very well to begin with, so I wasn't completely prepared to fall to pieces in front of him. And he's not an actor I have worked with before in class, so that added to it, too - I wasn't sure how far I could push him or how far he was going to push me. And it didn't feel like he pushed. I felt like I did a lot of pushing and I was actually kind of rude and bitchy to him, which was as close to a release as I got in the scene, and he just took it. Agreed with me and moved on. And the whole scene was just...awkward and weird. The teacher called it compelling and thought it was really good. I just felt...weird.
After one of the later exercises, I think I figured out what felt weird about it. It was very much a talking scene. Exposition galore. And I kept trying to stop myself from asking questions in favor of making observations to try to keep our relationship present and in the moment, but it made for really strange conversation, which, given that the scene was so conversational, felt really odd. And then, I don't think I got to release in the scene. Not in any sort of big, satisfying, emotionally cathartic way, anyway, which is what I was hoping for considering how painful the prep for this exercise was. But it didn't come up. As much as I accused him of being the problem, he just took it. He didn't push my bad buttons at all. He just kept trying to be charming, but then would say something awkward and strange and I didn't trust him, but I could see he was trying and I don't know. It wasn't any sort of circumstance in which I would open up and bare my soul to this guy. I do think I gave him a couple of opportunities to call me out on my shit, but he missed them so we moved on. And on the one hand, that is disappointing and I wish I had gotten to release the way I needed to. But on the other hand, it means I went into this exercise with some sort of objective and when the circumstances changed, I went with it. I didn't try to force the scene to be something other than what it was.
I do feel a little bad because at least once, I felt like I was calling my partner out on behavior that perhaps has some roots in his past classroom performances. I apologize for that - I shouldn't be "directing" anyone on stage, and in a way, that's exactly what my character did to his. But then, as I watched some of my fellow students perform their exercises, I found myself wishing I was in the scene with them so I could do exactly that. Call them out on their shit. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but it does bring me back to the thought that maybe I would make a good teacher someday.
I talked to my teacher a little bit this week to see what it is I need to work on because as lovely as it is to be called compelling and to know that I do good work in class, I want to be able to improve on something - I need some direction. She said I need to work on trusting myself. That I know how to do this and I know what the right thing to do is and to just trust that I'll get up there and do it. I don't know that I'm there yet - obviously since I'm second guessing a scene everyone thought was lovely. But I do have a tendency to do do scenes that get deemed lovely, when I'm working with people I've worked with before or I've never been on stage with or people who are struggling in class or people who are excelling in class. The scenes I'm in usually turn out pretty well. I still miss things - opportunities - but I'm still learning. And I'm also guessing that at least some of those missed opportunities wouldn't be missed if I had a script to work with that pointed them out to me, if that makes sense. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to not miss them, but still. I think I've gotten pretty good at being emotionally free to bounce from playful to furious and back again in two seconds flat. I think I've gotten pretty good at recognizing when I'm going into my head so I can try to shift my focus back to my partner. I think I've gotten pretty good at observing my partner. I don't feel like I'm a selfish actor, though I may be a semi-defensive one. And I'm not afraid to go to the scary dark icky places. I'm just...good at this.
So now that I have that knowledge, what do I do with it?
My exercise in class last night felt really weird. The character was very close to where I am in my own life right now - sort of one last shot to make it as an actor or she has to give it up completely. I've been feeling that way lately, in large part because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere and the rejections right now just really hurt. Really hurt. It's a question of do I keep trying even though it hurts more than I can tell you, or do I give up on my dreams which will hurt more than I can tell you so hopefully I'll feel better later on? Neither is a good choice. And the character I played last night was desperate to fix things so that she could continue to be an actor. But I don't feel like I really got to release everything in my release - I was an absolute mess over the weekend when I determined my mantra for this character is "I'm not done being an actor yet," but when I said those words in class, they just felt different. I didn't implode. I cried, but it was very soft. And then, of course, the scene was set up so I didn't know my partner very well to begin with, so I wasn't completely prepared to fall to pieces in front of him. And he's not an actor I have worked with before in class, so that added to it, too - I wasn't sure how far I could push him or how far he was going to push me. And it didn't feel like he pushed. I felt like I did a lot of pushing and I was actually kind of rude and bitchy to him, which was as close to a release as I got in the scene, and he just took it. Agreed with me and moved on. And the whole scene was just...awkward and weird. The teacher called it compelling and thought it was really good. I just felt...weird.
After one of the later exercises, I think I figured out what felt weird about it. It was very much a talking scene. Exposition galore. And I kept trying to stop myself from asking questions in favor of making observations to try to keep our relationship present and in the moment, but it made for really strange conversation, which, given that the scene was so conversational, felt really odd. And then, I don't think I got to release in the scene. Not in any sort of big, satisfying, emotionally cathartic way, anyway, which is what I was hoping for considering how painful the prep for this exercise was. But it didn't come up. As much as I accused him of being the problem, he just took it. He didn't push my bad buttons at all. He just kept trying to be charming, but then would say something awkward and strange and I didn't trust him, but I could see he was trying and I don't know. It wasn't any sort of circumstance in which I would open up and bare my soul to this guy. I do think I gave him a couple of opportunities to call me out on my shit, but he missed them so we moved on. And on the one hand, that is disappointing and I wish I had gotten to release the way I needed to. But on the other hand, it means I went into this exercise with some sort of objective and when the circumstances changed, I went with it. I didn't try to force the scene to be something other than what it was.
I do feel a little bad because at least once, I felt like I was calling my partner out on behavior that perhaps has some roots in his past classroom performances. I apologize for that - I shouldn't be "directing" anyone on stage, and in a way, that's exactly what my character did to his. But then, as I watched some of my fellow students perform their exercises, I found myself wishing I was in the scene with them so I could do exactly that. Call them out on their shit. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but it does bring me back to the thought that maybe I would make a good teacher someday.
I talked to my teacher a little bit this week to see what it is I need to work on because as lovely as it is to be called compelling and to know that I do good work in class, I want to be able to improve on something - I need some direction. She said I need to work on trusting myself. That I know how to do this and I know what the right thing to do is and to just trust that I'll get up there and do it. I don't know that I'm there yet - obviously since I'm second guessing a scene everyone thought was lovely. But I do have a tendency to do do scenes that get deemed lovely, when I'm working with people I've worked with before or I've never been on stage with or people who are struggling in class or people who are excelling in class. The scenes I'm in usually turn out pretty well. I still miss things - opportunities - but I'm still learning. And I'm also guessing that at least some of those missed opportunities wouldn't be missed if I had a script to work with that pointed them out to me, if that makes sense. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to not miss them, but still. I think I've gotten pretty good at being emotionally free to bounce from playful to furious and back again in two seconds flat. I think I've gotten pretty good at recognizing when I'm going into my head so I can try to shift my focus back to my partner. I think I've gotten pretty good at observing my partner. I don't feel like I'm a selfish actor, though I may be a semi-defensive one. And I'm not afraid to go to the scary dark icky places. I'm just...good at this.
So now that I have that knowledge, what do I do with it?
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