I'm Sorry

Last night was probably the most difficult emotional work I have done in class. I'm still kind of reeling from it, which pisses me off in that "this is why Heath Ledger died" kind of a way. I need to be able to snap out of this and remember that it was a scene in a class and does not represent who I am as a person in real life.

It was a scene that dealt with rape, or didn't deal with it, as the case may be. I was not the victim - my roommate and scene partner and best friend was - and my uncle was the supposed perpetrator. In the world of the scene, this uncle is pretty much the only family I have and he has always been good to me. In the world of the scene, I talked to him before I talked to her and he painted her as the bad guy and the attacker. So I was less than sympathetic when she revealed what had happened. And I think that is the part that was/is the hardest for me to deal with. I am, in real life, a nice person. A supportive person. The sort who listens and who will just hold a friend when she is sad or try to make her laugh when she's had a rough day. I am, in real life, a good person and a good friend. In the world of the scene, I was horrible. I was (and still am) mortified by some of the things I was saying to her, but in the world of the scene, they were my truths. I didn't trust her. I hated her for accusing my uncle of that. I wanted it to be her fault or a joke or a something because how am I supposed to choose between my only family and my only friend? And in the end, I lost them both.

I don't think I have cried that hard in a really long time and I was completely drained by the time it was over. I went home and made my cat hug me and curled up in bed with a teddy bear and episodes of South Park to try to get back to normal. But the scene just kept playing and replaying and replaying in my head and I kept beating myself up for all of the things I could have said or should have said and I kept looking at the moments when I could have shown more compassion, or when I wanted her to show some compassion or understanding for the absolute crap situation I was now in and how else could I have tried to make her see that and all of that stuff. And I finally fell asleep at about 12:30, but I woke up again at about 2:30 with this stuff still circling through my head and I couldn't get back to sleep. And it pisses me off! It was a scene! In class! It was all imaginary! None of it actually happened! The teacher had one note for us - she said I needed to fully realize the truth that what I had lost was my friend. I think I did, I just don't think I verbalized it very well when she told me to speak my truth. I said, "I don't want to be alone," knowing that I was. But that was the only note she had for us. Our preparation on our own was great, our preparation together was great, our moment to moment work was great, we were both present at the same time that we had all of this shit to deal with. And the rest of the class was kind of stunned by our work, too. I'm just kind of kicking myself because when it was all over, I really needed a hug but I didn't want to look like that actor who couldn't snap out of it when the scene was done so I just packed up my stuff like normal and by the time I could have asked for a hug, most of my classmates were gone. So I still need one. Badly.

I'm afraid that my classmates saw me as the villain in the scene. I'm afraid that if I make a career out of being a villain, I will have to do scenes like this over and over and over again and I won't have anyone to hug me when I walk off set. On the one hand, it would be great because I will effect people - my scene partners and my audience. On the other hand, I can see how it would get hard to take after a while.

I think the scene was also really hard for me because I based the character of my uncle on one of my real uncles, and I had a picture of him sitting on the table in our apartment. And I know this uncle. He is wonderful and smart and supportive and caring and will help his family through anything if they need it. I could see him actually taking care of me when my parents were killed, if something like that were to happen. So for her to be accusing him of that...it made it very real for me. And I can't decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Yes, it upped the stakes for me, so in that respect, it was probably a good thing. But it hurts to think of my uncle that way, so in that respect, maybe I should have cast a slightly more fictional uncle. I don't know if my choices to cast people close to my heart are good ones or bad ones. The answer is probably "yes."

What's really funny is as I was watching the other scenes in class (we went last), I started to feel really unprepared. I knew who I had cast as my uncle and who I had cast as my boyfriend and what life had been like for the last year with this woman as my roommate, but I honestly didn't know how to feel when I walked in the room or what I really wanted from her. Part of me wanted her to be the liar, part of me wanted her to not be the liar so she could still be my friend. And when it came right down to it, as I was standing in the hallway waiting while my scene partner had her release, all I could think about was how all of my girl friends in high school turned on me over something really stupid and petty and how much it hurt to not have girl friends anymore. So when I walked in to do my release, I was already hurt and angry and crying and desperately needing my friend. I am kind of proud of myself that I just let the emotion happen, based on the preparation. I think that was a good thing. The preparation fueled me, but it didn't overtake me to the point where I couldn't be present in the moment. Because all I had was the moment and what was going on in front of me. So in that respect, yay! I did good work!

I don't know. I know it wasn't real. I know it was some really great work. I still feel the need to apologize to all of my girl friends for my behavior, and I want you all to know that if you find yourself in a horrible situation like that, you can come to me and I will be supportive. I'm so sorry that I even thought those things, much less said them, even just in the context of class. I'm sorry to my scene partner for being so awful to her (even though as an actor, it could be considered a gift). I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I hurt you and I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend in the scene. In real life, I am a much better friend than that. I'm sorry.

Catch Up

So there has been a lot going on and some of it I can talk about and some of it I can't yet, so please bear with me as I'm kind of vague.

I have gone on 14 auditions in the last two weeks. Of these fourteen auditions, I'm only holding out hope that two of them might produce something. Might. That's not an "I was cast in something!" that's an "I think I made it past the first round of auditions" kind of a thing. For anyone who watches reality television, I think I made it to episode two of a thirteen-episode season. It doesn't necessarily put me any closer to winning the million dollars, it just means I haven't gone home yet. And the sad part is, I'm thrilled that I haven't gone home yet. I could be sent home tomorrow - I don't know. But I'm still living in the house and for now, I have to take comfort in that because I really don't have anything else to go on.

What is difficult about these fourteen auditions in two weeks is that I worked really hard to get ready for them - really hard - and at least twelve of them didn't even give me a second thought. Hell, a lot of them weren't even paying attention as I was up there emoting my heart out. Granted, there are a million reasons why a casting director doesn't cast someone, many of which have nothing to do with skill or talent. Maybe they don't need any more little white girls. Maybe they'd rather have a blond. Maybe they need someone who isn't involved in other things at the moment. Maybe the chemistry between me and the lead guy isn't quite right. And sadly, all of these things are out of my control. And I know that as an actor, I have to get used to rejection. This business is largely about rejection. The one time you get hired is the anomaly in a seemingly never-ending stream of rejections. And you're supposed to build up a thick skin and not take it personally and keep your chin up and go to the next audition with a smile on your face, ready to blow them away. But it has been a long time for me. I wasn't auditioning for a while there because I was a theater company member, and then because I took some time off to be a rock star. And to take twelve rejections in two weeks, often times when the auditor wasn't even looking at me... Some of them felt like I was put into the "no" pile the second I entered the room. And I entered the room well. I put on the pretty pretty make-up so my skin glowed. I did my hair so it looked full and bouncy and vibrant. I wore the figure-flattering trousers and nice sweaters and comfy shoes that set me just a little bit apart from all of the other little white girls auditioning. And I smiled and said hi and was very personable. And before I could even open my mouth, they had already decided that I wasn't right for the part. That hurts. I'm sorry, but it hurts. I know I'm not the best audition they are going to see in a day, but I am trying really hard and I know that given the opportunity, I can light up the stage, but I don't get the opportunity. So all of that knowledge that it could be about looks or quotas or schedules or some vendetta the director has against some teacher I studied with ten years ago that is supposed to help me deal with the onslaught of "no, thank yous" does very little to get me into a show or provide me with opportunity. Which is all I really need. An opportunity.

So I start to think that maybe some of the rejections are the result of something I did or didn't do. Maybe I should have cried. Maybe I needed to show more desperation. Maybe I should have done the piece that has more movement. Maybe I should have sung a different song. Maybe I really need some vocal help and the sound of me talking for two minutes really just grated on the auditor's nerves. Maybe I came on too strong. Which leads us to...maybe all of my hard work just wasn't enough. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I just don't have what they're looking for - what anyone is looking for. Maybe that's why I'm not in a relationship either - I'm holding out for some guy who makes me feel a certain way but no guy that would make me feel that way would ever feel that way for me because I just don't have what he is looking for. And I watch the lives of all of these people around me moving forward - people getting married and having kids and finding new jobs and so on and so forth - and I wonder if I am holding onto a dream I should have let go of years ago so that my life can move forward along the path it is supposed to take instead of fighting so hard to make it move down the one I want it to be on. Because it gets tiring to have to fight so hard all of the time. ALL of the time.

But I'm still in the house. I haven't been sent home yet.

And I got to go to class last night - the new session started. It sounds like it is going to be similar to the last session but moreso. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone outside of the class, but that is okay. And I did decent work. I don't know that I was completely invested in being in love with my partner, but I certainly let his actions and words affect me. And given the circumstances, even though I was supposed to be completely in love with him, I also think it was appropriate to scream at him and hate him and not want to be near him. Maybe that's what love is sometimes. It can't be all flowers and kittens all the time, right? There are going to be moments when your lover really, truly hurts you. And moments when you really, truly hurt them. I don't know. I got to some weird, scary emotional places last night (and I'm actually kind of annoyed that the scene ended when it did because I think I was about to break in half), but I think a lot of them had more to do with how I now felt about myself than how I felt about my partner. I was taking in what he was saying to me, but I don't think I was very focused on him, if that makes any sense. I kept burying my head in my hands, which, even in the moment, felt to me like an indicator that I was going into my head when I should have popped out of it and observed something about him. The teacher thought it was some good work and he liked our preparation that we were able to throw together in five minutes, so that is good. I don't know how much "constructive criticism," so to speak, to walk away from last night's class with, though, as it felt a little more like an exercise in improvisation instead of an exercise in preparation - which is what the rest of the session is going to be. I dunno.

I was talking to my classmates before class about my onslaught of rejections and they said that I know I'm a good actor so everything will be fine. I told them I don't know that. They were surprised by that statement, and then, when we went into the theater, they all sort of sat in a clump around me. I don't know if it was a conscious choice - in previous class sessions, we've all sort of had our space with a chair or two between students - but last night we all sat next to each other in a little clump with me in the middle. And for a moment, I felt wonderful and loved and supported. Even if it was accidental, these people have become my friends and they like having me around. And even if I fail miserably, even if I am sent home empty-handed in the next round of eliminations, they believe in my talent, they like to work with me, and they enjoy watching me work in class. They will still be my friends.

So I'm still in the house. And I'm not alone in here.

Thank you for that.