Out of Practice

For someone who has been described as fearless on several occasions, I am finding myself to be afraid of just about everything lately.

Tonight was my first class of the new session, but the second class of the session - I was at a convention last week and had to miss the first class. And the teacher had me get up and work first, which, yay! I like to work first in a lot of respects because especially when everyone is working on the same scene, you don't feel pressure to do what the person before you did, or to avoid doing what the person before you did. On the other hand, you get to watch everyone after you learn from your mistakes and you spend two and a half hours wishing you had just one more shot to try it again. On the up side, this teacher is very good at identifying what each of us needs to do with the scene - there are six women in the class and each of us is going to interpret the character in our own way because we are six very different women. And this teacher allows for that - she's not trying to pump out six cookie cutter performances. And by the end of my time working today, she had seen great improvement and called me a strong actor, which is a good thing.

But I was scared up there. I was holding back. I didn't feel prepared. I didn't feel comfortable. And I would like to think that at least part of it is because it has been a while since I was in class so I'm a little out of practice, but I think there is more to it than that.

See, I had alluded to this grand plan that I had, and it almost came to fruition, but then it didn't. It didn't necessarily go away, but I kind of had to start over and all of the plans I had made for now are on hold and in limbo for at least a year. Which has me feeling really weird about my life right now. Like I'm not supposed to be here. Like I'm living on borrowed time or something. And on the one hand, it is great because it is sort of forcing me to stay open to whatever might be coming up - I'm kind of just going with the flow and seeing where life decides to take me, instead of having a solid plan. But on the other hand, I have this feeling that there is something else I'm supposed to be doing and that has me sort of watching my back all of the time.

So it has manifested as trepidation on stage. Which turns into the fear that this is it - this is my life. Day job that drives me crazy, classes a couple of nights a week, watching all of my friends get married and have kids all around me while my life goes...I don't even know where. I'm in a holding pattern for another year until I can try again to make my plan happen. And I'm doing my best to fill that time with things that make me happy, but what if the same thing happens next year? And the year after that? And the year after that? Then what? Do I spend my whole life taking classes while the rest of the world happens around me?

It must be a good class to get me thinking like this. If it doesn't leave you feeling like shit, you weren't working hard enough, right?

I'm fine. Really, I'm fine. And I will continue to be fine. I just need to remember that it's okay to be scared everywhere else, but on stage, I have to be David Tennant. There is no fear in class. Class is safe space. The stage is safe space. And if I have to be afraid up there, I have to turn that fear into something beautiful and useful that will affect my partner who can then affect me. That's art right there, baby. And if the rest of the world is going to go on around me, the least I can do is spruce it up a little, right?