Selfish

I came to the realization this week that I really am a selfish person.

I go to lunch from time to time with a friend of mine from acting class and we talk about what we're doing in class and where we're having problems and what we think about the whole business and stuff like that. And I was telling her this week about how I feel like I'm finally getting to a place where I trust myself as a performer and the words that all of my teachers have been telling me for fifteen years are starting to sink in as truths, not just random sounds strung together and she asked me how I got there. In my mind, up to this point, I feel like I'm here because I have nothing else to lose. She asked me what I meant by that.

I don't know if I can tell you what it feels like to have nothing left to lose. I had problems telling her. It came out as a sort of "I've been trying for fifteen years to do this and I've not gotten very far in my career. I keep auditioning and not getting cast even though I do a good job. And recently, my great big plans blew up in my face and I had to face the humiliation of telling everyone that no, really, it wasn't happening." And since most of my friends were not there for the heart-wrenching decision weekend, and since most of my friends are lovely, friendly, helpful-type people, they asked me all kinds of obvious questions about what I could have done and I had to tell them that I tried that and it didn't work. I tried just about everything and it wasn't going to work so I had to swallow my pride and not do it. That was hard. That was really fucking hard and I know that I made the right decision, but it still made me feel like just about the biggest loser in the world. As if I had been stood up at the altar or something. And even in my plans to keep moving forward and to give it another shot, I don't feel like I'm really getting anywhere. I'm still auditioning and not getting cast. One of the classes I wanted to take was canceled, another postponed and then two sessions rescheduled. I feel like I have tried so hard for so long and all I really have to show for it is that my classmates think I'm talented and that's lovely, but I would like to at the very least be in a show right now. Which I'm not. And you put this all together and it feels like when it comes to acting, I have nothing left to lose. I have suffered just about every humiliation a person can at the hands of this silly career.

So why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep trying?

Because I love it. I honestly and truly love it. My teacher was apologizing for making me go through the most emotionally difficult moment for me over and over and over again in class, but I loved it. I love having to go there. I love being able to go there. I love the dirt and the pain and the screaming and the connection and the love that I get to experience up on stage. I know I have written before that I want to live fully - I get to live fully on stage, even if it is in class - and I love it. I will take every moment of it that I can get.

So here I am, at a point in my development where I have nothing left to lose, where I feel as if I have hit the bottom and continued to sink, so I get up there on stage and give it everything that I have because I don't have any other choice. I am selfish and I love doing this. So I am going to do it. Even if nobody will put me in a show, I will keep taking classes so I can keep doing this. I enjoy it. I want to do something I enjoy. That is selfish behavior. But you know what? I'm okay with that.