Fearless

Bold.
Brave.
Fearless.
Ballsy.
A force to be reckoned with.

These are all ways in which my most recent performances were described.  I played two characters in two different short plays as part of an evening of one-acts, and I was called bold, brave, fearless, ballsy, and a force to be reckoned with by my directors, by the writers, by my fellow performers, and by audience members - both people I knew and people I didn't.  And while I love that these huge, beautiful words were used to describe my performance, I have no idea how to take them.  I'm humbled by them.  As far as I'm concerned, I was just doing my job.

I've been called fearless before.  A fellow student of mine from my college years wrote several years after we graduated that he remembered me as fearless.  And then in response to these characters I just played, I was called fearless by so many people.  It strikes me as a bit odd because there are a lot of things I am afraid of.  I'm afraid I'll never have kids.  I'm afraid of singing a capella in front of people.  Sometimes I have panic attacks and am afraid to leave the safety of my living space.  I'm afraid that my cat isn't getting everything he should out of life and that it's my fault.  I'm afraid I'll never be anything more than what I am right now.

But when it comes to performance, I don't think that getting up on stage wearing short-shorts and a red sequined halter top qualifies as me being fearless.  I appreciate that others see it that way, but to me, fear doesn't factor in there.  This was the case of being offered a character who had the potential to be amazing - she only has three pages of script, but volumes and volumes of character to create - and me accepting that challenge.  As part of that challenge, I would have to be scantily clad on stage in front of 50 people a night.  That wasn't really the hard part.  The hard part was going out there in the other piece as a woman who felt totally justified in killing her husband, yet making her a sympathetic character so hopefully the audience walks away thinking she was justified, too.  Or at least not wanting to condemn her.  The hard part is going out on stage as a woman who knows the only good thing she ever did in her life was create a child who can create beauty, yet who still has to show her face in public.  But as actors, aren't those exactly the kinds of challenges we seek out?  Don't we all salivate at the thought of getting to play a sympathetic killer or a person who has been completely broken but has to live on day to day anyway?  Don't we, as performers, live for that release that happens on stage when all of the bad stuff gets to come gushing out?  Don't we live for being completely emotionally exposed and raw and in the moment on stage?

Maybe that's what people mean when they say I'm fearless.  That I love those challenges.  That I live for those challenges.  That I throw myself upon those challenges with everything I've got and whatever production values come with the opportunity to be that emotionally present.  If that's what they mean, I will take that word and wear it with pride.  Because it does take a lot to expose oneself like that in front of a room full of people, no matter what you're wearing.  And I am so blessed when I have that opportunity to try, that I'm going to embrace that opportunity whenever it comes knocking at my door.

Thank you for knocking at my door, Opportunity.