...

Ho

Lee

Fuck

I can't even begin to describe tonight's class, but of course, I have to try.

I was tackled. I was thrown. I was kissed. I was embraced. I was leaped over. I was crawled under. I was spun. I was pinned. I was scared. I was loved. I fell in love. I fell out of love. I disgusted. I frustrated. I excited. I amused. I hurt. And now I do hurt - I'm achy all over. Everything from my little toe to my spirit, but my spirit is achy in the good way. I hit so many emotions today, and pushed them as far as I could take them. I broke down and cried at one point because I just had to. But then I came back, got myself together, and threw myself back into the fray.

There was a moment when my arms wanted to move, so I moved them. There was a moment when I wanted to twirl, so I twirled. There was a moment when I wanted to do the doggie break, so I tried, but my partner didn't quite get it so we did this weird feline rubbing thing. There was a moment when I needed to move my upper body in circles parallel to the wall, so I moved my upper body in circles parallel to the wall. I don't know if I can tell you what it feels like to be that free. To follow every impulse. To speak when you need to, and to stand still when you need to. I'm not advocating this kind of behavior for every day living necessarily, but just try to imagine how well you get to know yourself when you are listening to everything your body is telling you to do. And when your body is telling you to do things based on the other people and objects around you. And then you connect with that person in that moment and you both do what your bodies tell you to, be it dance or jump or roll or kiss or melt and crumple and laugh.

It's funny. I was talking with the teacher before class about how the class is going and what I'm getting out of it, and I get buzzed talking about it. As the class was progressing, he was getting buzzed watching us. You could see it when we would talk about an exercise - he kept losing his words he was so excited about the work we were doing. I have to give him a lot of credit for creating that environment, and for letting the class go where the class needs to go, the same way our movement goes where it needs to. He put his faith in us as actors, and as students, and in return, we put our faith in him and in each other. I wish everyone, everyone, could experience that once in their lives. To be somewhere you are trusted and loved and accepted and given license to go to those scary places knowing that you are still trusted and loved and accepted when you get there and when you come out on the other side (as long as you don't actually cause physical harm to anyone else). And scary places can be places of lust or love or tenderness, too - they don't just have to be about fear or anger or pain. It all depends on who you are and where you are in the moment.

I had a moment tonight when I broken down and cried. There were only three of us in class tonight which was, in a way, wonderful because we were able to establish that comfort level and we were all able to work a lot. But there was a moment when we had all been fighting and pushing and shoving and pulling and just all kinds of angsty. And it ended with the three of us kind of in a heap and I just cried. It was a release of sorts, a frustration with all of the negativity. But then I also had to deal with the reactions my partners had to my crying. Did I want them to comfort me? How did it feel when they did? I think there are the seeds in there of something I need to look at in me. On the up side, even though it took a lot out of me to go there, I was able to get myself together and dive back in. The problem a lot of actors have with this kind of work is that they can't put it on the shelf when the exercise or class or performance is over. They take all of that with them and dwell on it and stew in it and question who they are and whether or not they are worth anything and all of that stuff. It is, essentially, why Heath Ledger died - he couldn't separate himself from the Joker which led to the anti-depressants which led to the overdose and there we are. The up shot being, that's not me. The down shot being, that's a lot of actors out there. I get afraid for them sometimes.

I wish you could experience this because I'm not doing it justice. Just know that I came home energized and exhausted and knowing that this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. And that I have the potential to be really really good at this.

And thus begins the next wave of relief tears.

New Session

So this session of classes is ending a bit abruptly for me. Last week's Wednesday class was canceled due to instructor conflict (she had a show opening that she had to go perform in), and I can't go tonight because I'm in tech for a show of my own. I'm glad to be in a show - I can't even tell you how good it feels to be performing again - but I feel like I didn't really get an ending to this class session. Our Tuesday class this week was postponed to next week, too, due to instructor conflict. I think it might feel weird to go in for just one more class. I dunno. It does leave me looking forward to the next session when I can get in there and really start working, you know?

I got something in the mail that I can't tell you about yet, but that had me kind of bouncing off the walls with glee. More on that later.