I was supposed to work tonight in class but we didn't get to me because the other exercises got really very deep and took a lot of time. I'm not complaining. They were interesting to watch. Still a lot of not-following-impulses or not showing emotions or not calling partners out on their emotions, but there was also some breakthrough type stuff happening and people going places I had never seen them go before, so that was great.
The teacher talked about ego tonight. He thinks we all need to have the biggest egos in the world. We need to be able to take them off when we get on stage so that we can take everything personally, but we have to think the world of ourselves in order to be able to survive (emotionally) the things we put ourselves through. We have to hit the absolute lowest lows a person can hit, but still have that one little glimmer of hope that makes us fight for what we want even though we have nothing. And if we get the job, we have to do that every night for two months of rehearsals plus six weeks of shows, if not longer. We have to have huge egos to be able to survive that.
I don't have a huge ego. I think we all know this by now. I have a bit of an ego. I know I'm a good cook. I know I've written some good songs. I know I'm a good actor. But I'm also the first one to say that there is always something more I can learn. At one point, the teacher asked one of the women in exercise what her strengths as a performer are. That's a good question for all of us, and one I've thought about in the past few days. I think my greatest strength as a performer is also my greatest weakness - my versatility. I have played so many characters - men, women, a four-year-old boy, old people, young people, creepy people, weak people, strong people, strange people, loud confident people, mousey people, and my latest creation - the creepy-Stepford-wife=octopus-like hooker. I love that I have played so many different types. It has allowed me to explore all kinds of different parts of my being, and I think I've done really well in all of these different roles. But I think it's also a bit of a weakness because it makes me difficult to cast. When I was with my old theater company, it was easy to cast shows from the company. There was the loud, silly guy. The loud, crass girl. The romantic leads. The funny straight man. And then there was me. I don't think they knew where to put me most of the time, so they would cast everything else first and then just fill me into the blank spaces wherever they could. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but as an actor, it can be a bad thing to not have a type - if people can't categorize you, it can make it hard for them to cast you, or to know what roles to submit you for. If there were more Johnny Depp style roles for women, I could be that type. But let's face it, there aren't. Willy Wonka is a man. Edward Scissorhands has a human female counterpart, and if someone were to build a robot woman, you've all of a sudden got a porn film on your hands, not a touching story about misfits who find each other and are then torn asunder.
But anyway. I think I need to take a minute to list what I think my strengths are as a performer, in the hopes that maybe, one day, I'll have the kind of ego my teacher thinks we should all have.
I am versatile.
I am adaptable.
I am flexible.
I am very good at reading my partners and reacting to them.
I create interesting characters.
I am good with improv.
I move well.
I think I give my partners a lot to work off of (though I would need someone else to corroborate this. A couple of people in my class have remarked that I'm a lot of fun to work with because there's a lot going on, though, so I think this is a safe one to say. See? I don't even have enough of an ego to say "I give my partners a lot to work with" and stick with it).
I can sing (especially Bobby McGee).
I can dance.
I am reliable.
I work really hard.
I am passionate about this.
On paper, I look like a pretty good actor, huh? New Year's Resolution #2 for me - learn how to believe that I am a great actor. Time to grow an ego, darling. Time to grow an ego.
30 December 2009
29 December 2009
High Class
I really don't have much to say about class last night. Some of the work done was really amazing. Some of it required a lot of coaching as the actors struggled with their own mental blocks.
I got to work in the last exercise of the night, which was done really fast because we didn't have much time left. I was the neighbor, so I only had about a minute to come up with a story and a purpose, so I drew on the first thing that came to mind - I had been watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" the other night. I cast myself in the exercise as a woman who had come to New York a year ago to be an actor, had little success, and kind of fell into a career as a call girl instead. And in the exercise, I was trying to get my scene partner to come work for my agency so that I could start climbing the ladder within my business. Seedy, huh? The teacher described me as a creppy Stepford wife type person, and she described the way I moved at one point as octopus-like. Not at all what I was going for, but okay. I was creepy and manipulative and I sold the hell out of it, so that's good. The only question that the teacher had for me was about my vulnerability, which (in retrospect) I think existed in two places - that this is my career now instead of acting, and that if I don't get her to come with me, I lose my status within the agency. The teacher then instantly went back to my partner who missed both of those moments that I had (though the teacher only saw the first one), and told her she should have jumped on them. Which then makes me ask, how can I show my vulnerability honestly and truthfully if my partner doesn't notice it? Granted, I don't know that I had enough invested in either vulnerable point to really push them, but if the teacher saw it, it must have been there. I could go into my own headspace, I guess, and wallow in the number of auditions I failed at, but truthfully, the motivation to get at her was stronger than the motivation to have my own personal pity party. And since she didn't call me out on my failures, it was easy to skim over them and move on. Which I think is the eternal question that surrounds this kind of work - how do I get to where I need to go if my partner doesn't push me there? In work that is so dependent upon the other person, if they're not giving it to you, how do you get it? Do you have to push them harder to notice? Do you just push yourself? Is it a matter of you not giving them enough to give you enough to get where you need to be? It's kind of a mind-fuck, huh?
My partner got stuck in her head. A lot of people last night got stuck in their heads. I probably do sometimes, too, but we all need to remember (because we've been told a million times) that when you feel yourself getting stuck, FOCUS ON YOUR PARTNER AND MAKE AN OBSERVATION. What do you see? What is your partner doing? How do you feel about your partner? If the best you can come up with in a moment when you are stuck is "You're smiling at me," then say, "You're smiling at me" and go into repetition. You get back to emotional life when you get out of your own head.
I wonder if people keep retreating to their heads and keep not taking risks because they are afraid of what the rest of the class will think of them if they go there. There was a woman who came in one day with the exercise of writing her suicide note and she was uncomfortable talking about it before class, and kind of felt the need to let us all know that she was not, in fact, suicidal. I wonder if people are afraid that we'll all think they are these characters that we create when we go into exercise and that is what is stopping them from making the choice to take the job as a call girl or a drug dealer. But the thing is this - this is theater. This is imaginary. The activity is real and the emotions are real, but everything else surrounding it is completely imaginary. COMPLETELY IMAGINARY. Yes, I played a call girl last night. No, I am not a call girl. Yes, I played woman a few weeks ago who set her baby's crib on fire because she wanted the kid to stop crying. I would NEVER in a million years set a kid's crib on fire. That would never even appear in my brain as an option for how to get a baby to stop crying. But there are people out there who would think that way. And for the purposes of this class, I think it is good to push ourselves into uncomfortable places. Go ahead and cast yourself as the scum of the earth. Go ahead and make the choice that you would never in a million years make and see what happens! There was a beautiful moment in one exercise last night where one woman was a nanny and her neighbor came in and tried to get her to be a drug dealer instead and in the middle of the exercise, very quietly, she agreed to do it. He was startled by her decision and said, "Really?" and she completely backtracked and started freaking out. It was marvelous! It was true. It was like she really wanted to say yes and wanted to know what it felt like to say yes so she did, but then her logical brain kicked back in and she knew she really couldn't do it. You couldn't have scripted it better. It was brilliant. And that is how this is supposed to work. She wasn't really agreeing to be a drug dealer, and he wasn't really a drug dealer. They were actors in a scene exploring what it might be like to be presented with that opportunity.
I'm explaining it all wrong. Suffice it to say, our class is safe space. Take chances. Take risks. Agree to do the things you would never do in your regular life, just to see what would happen. And the other people in class will not walk out thinking, "Gee, I wonder if he is really a sexual psychopath." They will walk out thinking, "That was brilliant and fun to watch and engaging and he was really brave to go there."
I want to be brave enough to go there.
I got to work in the last exercise of the night, which was done really fast because we didn't have much time left. I was the neighbor, so I only had about a minute to come up with a story and a purpose, so I drew on the first thing that came to mind - I had been watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" the other night. I cast myself in the exercise as a woman who had come to New York a year ago to be an actor, had little success, and kind of fell into a career as a call girl instead. And in the exercise, I was trying to get my scene partner to come work for my agency so that I could start climbing the ladder within my business. Seedy, huh? The teacher described me as a creppy Stepford wife type person, and she described the way I moved at one point as octopus-like. Not at all what I was going for, but okay. I was creepy and manipulative and I sold the hell out of it, so that's good. The only question that the teacher had for me was about my vulnerability, which (in retrospect) I think existed in two places - that this is my career now instead of acting, and that if I don't get her to come with me, I lose my status within the agency. The teacher then instantly went back to my partner who missed both of those moments that I had (though the teacher only saw the first one), and told her she should have jumped on them. Which then makes me ask, how can I show my vulnerability honestly and truthfully if my partner doesn't notice it? Granted, I don't know that I had enough invested in either vulnerable point to really push them, but if the teacher saw it, it must have been there. I could go into my own headspace, I guess, and wallow in the number of auditions I failed at, but truthfully, the motivation to get at her was stronger than the motivation to have my own personal pity party. And since she didn't call me out on my failures, it was easy to skim over them and move on. Which I think is the eternal question that surrounds this kind of work - how do I get to where I need to go if my partner doesn't push me there? In work that is so dependent upon the other person, if they're not giving it to you, how do you get it? Do you have to push them harder to notice? Do you just push yourself? Is it a matter of you not giving them enough to give you enough to get where you need to be? It's kind of a mind-fuck, huh?
My partner got stuck in her head. A lot of people last night got stuck in their heads. I probably do sometimes, too, but we all need to remember (because we've been told a million times) that when you feel yourself getting stuck, FOCUS ON YOUR PARTNER AND MAKE AN OBSERVATION. What do you see? What is your partner doing? How do you feel about your partner? If the best you can come up with in a moment when you are stuck is "You're smiling at me," then say, "You're smiling at me" and go into repetition. You get back to emotional life when you get out of your own head.
I wonder if people keep retreating to their heads and keep not taking risks because they are afraid of what the rest of the class will think of them if they go there. There was a woman who came in one day with the exercise of writing her suicide note and she was uncomfortable talking about it before class, and kind of felt the need to let us all know that she was not, in fact, suicidal. I wonder if people are afraid that we'll all think they are these characters that we create when we go into exercise and that is what is stopping them from making the choice to take the job as a call girl or a drug dealer. But the thing is this - this is theater. This is imaginary. The activity is real and the emotions are real, but everything else surrounding it is completely imaginary. COMPLETELY IMAGINARY. Yes, I played a call girl last night. No, I am not a call girl. Yes, I played woman a few weeks ago who set her baby's crib on fire because she wanted the kid to stop crying. I would NEVER in a million years set a kid's crib on fire. That would never even appear in my brain as an option for how to get a baby to stop crying. But there are people out there who would think that way. And for the purposes of this class, I think it is good to push ourselves into uncomfortable places. Go ahead and cast yourself as the scum of the earth. Go ahead and make the choice that you would never in a million years make and see what happens! There was a beautiful moment in one exercise last night where one woman was a nanny and her neighbor came in and tried to get her to be a drug dealer instead and in the middle of the exercise, very quietly, she agreed to do it. He was startled by her decision and said, "Really?" and she completely backtracked and started freaking out. It was marvelous! It was true. It was like she really wanted to say yes and wanted to know what it felt like to say yes so she did, but then her logical brain kicked back in and she knew she really couldn't do it. You couldn't have scripted it better. It was brilliant. And that is how this is supposed to work. She wasn't really agreeing to be a drug dealer, and he wasn't really a drug dealer. They were actors in a scene exploring what it might be like to be presented with that opportunity.
I'm explaining it all wrong. Suffice it to say, our class is safe space. Take chances. Take risks. Agree to do the things you would never do in your regular life, just to see what would happen. And the other people in class will not walk out thinking, "Gee, I wonder if he is really a sexual psychopath." They will walk out thinking, "That was brilliant and fun to watch and engaging and he was really brave to go there."
I want to be brave enough to go there.
20 December 2009
Sad
My exercise was too close to me today. 90% of my backstory was completely true. Which means when she came in and told me I was making an ass out of myself, she was telling me I was making an ass out of myself. And I had to wonder if I really am.
The teacher thought I needed more prep or deeper stakes or something - I was completely invested and I don't know that I could have prepped more. It is possible that it didn't all show - he didn't ask questions that covered all of the bases I had thought of. But I should have been able to show those things and I didn't. He thought that what I had put together was good in a couple of respects, weak in a couple of others. And my partner told me afterward that I am fun to work with. I enjoyed working with her quite a bit, too, even though in the moment-to-moment work of the scene, she was driving me crazy and making me feel like shit.
And I brought home the feelings of shit. I know I shouldn't, but I did and just a moment ago, I got almost unspeakably sad and I'm not exactly sure why. Failure in class can be a good thing because you can learn from it. And there was one guy today who made up his own sort of homework assignment, completely missing the boat regarding what these activities are supposed to be, so at least mine wasn't as bad as his. And some of my classmates are still talking about an exercise I did earlier in the week, so I must be doing something right somewhere. But today my exercise was about me and I was told that I sucked and it hurt. So right now, I hurt. Because part of me thinks it's true. Trust me - I had a mirror in my exercise today and I didn't necessarily like the dancing the girl looking back at me was doing.
And I thought about the holidays a lot today because they're coming up but we're not really doing much for them in my family this year (everyone is scaling back), so I really don't have much to do holiday-wise this year which is nice because it's not stressful, but it is kind of sad to not be doing much for the holidays. And I'm sorry and I'm afraid to say anything about the holidays at all because I'm likely to offend someone I didn't intend to offend, so I think I'll just have to say that I'll enjoy them again when I have my own family and am able to create my own traditions. Until then...I need to find my motivation.
I dunno. I'm sorry. I know my exercise couldn't have been that bad, but I'm just really sad right now. Which says I should probably go to sleep. Good night.
The teacher thought I needed more prep or deeper stakes or something - I was completely invested and I don't know that I could have prepped more. It is possible that it didn't all show - he didn't ask questions that covered all of the bases I had thought of. But I should have been able to show those things and I didn't. He thought that what I had put together was good in a couple of respects, weak in a couple of others. And my partner told me afterward that I am fun to work with. I enjoyed working with her quite a bit, too, even though in the moment-to-moment work of the scene, she was driving me crazy and making me feel like shit.
And I brought home the feelings of shit. I know I shouldn't, but I did and just a moment ago, I got almost unspeakably sad and I'm not exactly sure why. Failure in class can be a good thing because you can learn from it. And there was one guy today who made up his own sort of homework assignment, completely missing the boat regarding what these activities are supposed to be, so at least mine wasn't as bad as his. And some of my classmates are still talking about an exercise I did earlier in the week, so I must be doing something right somewhere. But today my exercise was about me and I was told that I sucked and it hurt. So right now, I hurt. Because part of me thinks it's true. Trust me - I had a mirror in my exercise today and I didn't necessarily like the dancing the girl looking back at me was doing.
And I thought about the holidays a lot today because they're coming up but we're not really doing much for them in my family this year (everyone is scaling back), so I really don't have much to do holiday-wise this year which is nice because it's not stressful, but it is kind of sad to not be doing much for the holidays. And I'm sorry and I'm afraid to say anything about the holidays at all because I'm likely to offend someone I didn't intend to offend, so I think I'll just have to say that I'll enjoy them again when I have my own family and am able to create my own traditions. Until then...I need to find my motivation.
I dunno. I'm sorry. I know my exercise couldn't have been that bad, but I'm just really sad right now. Which says I should probably go to sleep. Good night.
16 December 2009
My Plan
My plan was to come home from class, do some laundry, work out, go to bed and get ready to work tomorrow.
That was my plan.
That's not going to happen.
My brain is not functioning on a plane that will let me really talk about what just happened in class, but just know this - it was good. It was damn good. I ripped up my throat. I have some mystery red mark on the back of my left hand. But most importantly, I affected my partner, I was effected by my partner, and I lived truthfully moment to moment. The teacher commented that I did very well trying all sorts of different tactics to get what I wanted. I kept yelling at myself in my head that I was being conversational instead of repetitive, but I don't think that was really an issue. The teacher stopped us right after there was a weird shift in the scene from hard to soft that neither of us really knew what to do with, and she told me I should have jumped on the soft impulse sooner. I was having problems identifying that it was okay to be soft (if that makes any sense) and then my partner said something first that was not soft and the teacher called her out on going back to tired old places that we'd already been. But in general...I can't even describe it. We were both there. We were both connected. We both wanted something really really really badly. We both observed and were observed. The class was laughing and afraid and excited. That was a fucking good exercise. I feel fucking great about it. And I've learned that I swear like a sailor when I get passionate about something. There was a moment when my partner was right up in my face and I had an impulse to kiss her which would have been totally hysterical and completely out of the blue so I didn't follow it, but it was there. Next time, I should. And like the teacher said, I didn't get soft very quickly (which may be a good thing for guys, but it's not what I'm going for in acting class). It bothers me that this teacher keeps seeing me be hard and mean and strong. I know I've been soft and weak and vulnerable at other times; I just don't know that she has seen it. I almost feel like I need to set up an exercise that will make me be soft, but I'm not sure how to do that. I don't know what the other person would come in with.
My whole body is alive right now. I don't know if you know what that feels like or if it even makes sense, but it is like every nerve is firing all at the same time. I'm over-stimulated and completely exhausted at the same time. My scene partner and I had to hug each other a couple of times after our exercise and I think we could have very easily collapsed into each other and fallen asleep.
And so I came home to my cat. Who is so beautiful it breaks my heart. And he has no idea why I need to hold him for a minute longer than usual. Or why I'm completely scattered as I make a giant bowl of popcorn that I'm eating in fits and spurts. And I love him so much I want to cry right now. That is my truth, right now, in this moment. I want to cry because my cat is so beautiful. Sweet jebus, I'm a crackpot.
The other exercises tonight were interesting. More engaging than some previous ones have been. They made me realize how much time we spend not saying the things we want to say or need to say. Both of the teachers in this class have encouraged us to just say it or just go there or to allow yourself to be ugly or vulnerable or scared or whatever. One of them told us to run towards the confrontations. He was also quick to tell us that this is perhaps not the best advice to follow in real life. But a couple of weeks ago, when I went to see the Swell Season, Glen Hansard told a beautiful, heartbreaking story about a woman who lost her son in the Twin Towers and he dedicated "Say It To Me Now" to her and I sobbed while he played. He played with no amplification, standing on the front edge of the stage as if his life depended on it. And he said it. He encouraged us all to say it. Just say it. And in a strange way, it makes me sad that my classmates can't make themselves just say it in the completely safe, completely imaginary world created in our classroom. If you're not going to say it there, where will you ever say it?
So here are some of my "just say its" in no particular order:
I'm annoyed with you.
I'm flattered that you would ask, but I'm really not interested.
I still have a crush on you (though it's not as strong as it was) and probably will until you get married. Which, for a second, I almost thought you were going to and I think my heart stopped.
If I could ask just one thing of you, it would be for you to be nice to me for one full day. And be nice in my general direction for one full day. No negative commentary, no snide comments, just be nice to me. Because I am a person and I do deserve that.
You know how to make me feel dumb and I don't like that, so I'm removing myself from the situation. Which hurts because you also know how to make me radiant.
I appreciate the effort, but that's not really what I'm talking about.
I love you and don't know what I would do without you. You hurt my feelings a couple weeks ago.
I really just want to be near you.
I miss you.
That's not my problem.
There are things that can be done to change it.
I wonder if my tendency to lean on the hard feelings in class has anything to do with all of the crap going on in my regular life. And if even just one of the annoying things shifted to be less annoying, if I would start to lean more towards soft feelings. I wonder.
That was my plan.
That's not going to happen.
My brain is not functioning on a plane that will let me really talk about what just happened in class, but just know this - it was good. It was damn good. I ripped up my throat. I have some mystery red mark on the back of my left hand. But most importantly, I affected my partner, I was effected by my partner, and I lived truthfully moment to moment. The teacher commented that I did very well trying all sorts of different tactics to get what I wanted. I kept yelling at myself in my head that I was being conversational instead of repetitive, but I don't think that was really an issue. The teacher stopped us right after there was a weird shift in the scene from hard to soft that neither of us really knew what to do with, and she told me I should have jumped on the soft impulse sooner. I was having problems identifying that it was okay to be soft (if that makes any sense) and then my partner said something first that was not soft and the teacher called her out on going back to tired old places that we'd already been. But in general...I can't even describe it. We were both there. We were both connected. We both wanted something really really really badly. We both observed and were observed. The class was laughing and afraid and excited. That was a fucking good exercise. I feel fucking great about it. And I've learned that I swear like a sailor when I get passionate about something. There was a moment when my partner was right up in my face and I had an impulse to kiss her which would have been totally hysterical and completely out of the blue so I didn't follow it, but it was there. Next time, I should. And like the teacher said, I didn't get soft very quickly (which may be a good thing for guys, but it's not what I'm going for in acting class). It bothers me that this teacher keeps seeing me be hard and mean and strong. I know I've been soft and weak and vulnerable at other times; I just don't know that she has seen it. I almost feel like I need to set up an exercise that will make me be soft, but I'm not sure how to do that. I don't know what the other person would come in with.
My whole body is alive right now. I don't know if you know what that feels like or if it even makes sense, but it is like every nerve is firing all at the same time. I'm over-stimulated and completely exhausted at the same time. My scene partner and I had to hug each other a couple of times after our exercise and I think we could have very easily collapsed into each other and fallen asleep.
And so I came home to my cat. Who is so beautiful it breaks my heart. And he has no idea why I need to hold him for a minute longer than usual. Or why I'm completely scattered as I make a giant bowl of popcorn that I'm eating in fits and spurts. And I love him so much I want to cry right now. That is my truth, right now, in this moment. I want to cry because my cat is so beautiful. Sweet jebus, I'm a crackpot.
The other exercises tonight were interesting. More engaging than some previous ones have been. They made me realize how much time we spend not saying the things we want to say or need to say. Both of the teachers in this class have encouraged us to just say it or just go there or to allow yourself to be ugly or vulnerable or scared or whatever. One of them told us to run towards the confrontations. He was also quick to tell us that this is perhaps not the best advice to follow in real life. But a couple of weeks ago, when I went to see the Swell Season, Glen Hansard told a beautiful, heartbreaking story about a woman who lost her son in the Twin Towers and he dedicated "Say It To Me Now" to her and I sobbed while he played. He played with no amplification, standing on the front edge of the stage as if his life depended on it. And he said it. He encouraged us all to say it. Just say it. And in a strange way, it makes me sad that my classmates can't make themselves just say it in the completely safe, completely imaginary world created in our classroom. If you're not going to say it there, where will you ever say it?
So here are some of my "just say its" in no particular order:
I'm annoyed with you.
I'm flattered that you would ask, but I'm really not interested.
I still have a crush on you (though it's not as strong as it was) and probably will until you get married. Which, for a second, I almost thought you were going to and I think my heart stopped.
If I could ask just one thing of you, it would be for you to be nice to me for one full day. And be nice in my general direction for one full day. No negative commentary, no snide comments, just be nice to me. Because I am a person and I do deserve that.
You know how to make me feel dumb and I don't like that, so I'm removing myself from the situation. Which hurts because you also know how to make me radiant.
I appreciate the effort, but that's not really what I'm talking about.
I love you and don't know what I would do without you. You hurt my feelings a couple weeks ago.
I really just want to be near you.
I miss you.
That's not my problem.
There are things that can be done to change it.
I wonder if my tendency to lean on the hard feelings in class has anything to do with all of the crap going on in my regular life. And if even just one of the annoying things shifted to be less annoying, if I would start to lean more towards soft feelings. I wonder.
15 December 2009
One Step Ahead
I didn't work in class on Saturday - the cards just didn't fall that way. Which was fine because I was wearing really uncomfortable shoes so I don't know how well I would have done anyway. But one thing did occur to me about my classmates: we all sit there and watch everyone else's exercises. We know what kinds of questions the teacher is going to ask in regard to our preparation. Why don't we ask ourselves those same questions when putting our activities together before class so that we are prepared?
I try to. I know the teacher is going to set me up to want something from my partner, so as I think about each exercise and what I'll be doing, I try to think of what I could possibly want from another person. That might change when I find out which of my classmates I'll be working with, but it's good to have an option, or to have at least considered it. A couple of my classmates have created situations full of despair, but when asked why they are so desperate, they can't come up with specifics. Why not? Pull something out of your ass if you have to. You want to kill yourself because your husband just died and you can't bear to be without him. Which means you could also want love and affection and attention from someone else (i.e. your scene partner), and the thought of that could make you feel really guilty and if you get it...see? That's a scene. As opposed to, "I want to die because I'm messed up and I don't really want anything." That's boring to watch. It's boring to hear about. And it's really funny to me that some of my classmates are having so much trouble with this because the one instructor has told us probably five times now to take risks, to use our imaginations, and to just friggin' try things. I don't think this is the kind of setting wherein either teacher is going to tell us it's too far out there to think that if my sister makes it over before the place is clean, she's going to smack the shit out of me, and then drag me to the airport kicking and screaming, burning down my apartment on the way out. That would light a fire under your ass to clean the place up, wouldn't it? Nice, high stakes. Nice, imaginary situation. But what it will produce is nice, real reactions and emotions. And if you look at the really good movies or plays you've seen, there is almost always some element of the fantastic or extraordinary involved. If this wasn't an atypical day, nobody would have written a play about it. Even "Seinfeld," the show about nothing, managed to elevate the urgency of nothing to epic proportions - Jerry stealing the last loaf of marble rye from a little old lady on the street, the fight with the Soup Nazi, Kramer in general. All of these situations start out normal - he needs bread to take to a party, they're trying to buy lunch - but they get pushed into the ridiculous because for some reason, it is WAY more important that this happen today than any other day and if it doesn't happen today, somebody is going to die. That level of urgency, that level of desperation is what makes something engaging to watch. That level of urgency is what is going to push you as an actor to your emotional extremes. So why not, when you're preparing for an exercise in class, build in that element of urgency and push it past the boundaries of normalcy to the level of lunacy that somebody would actually want to watch? What's stopping you? Especially in class where it is safe to experiment and play and be ridiculous.
For example, in my first exercise, if I didn't fix those pants, we were going to lose our house and my sister was going to disown me. In my second exercise, if I didn't finish my taxes, my boyfriend was going to dump me and kick me out of our apartment, leaving me penniless, jobless, and homeless. In real life, it is entirely possible that either of those outcomes would not happen. I could probably plead with my boyfriend for another week or so in the apartment until I could find my own place and get on my feet. But in the exercise, I think it is important to believe that it won't go that way. If, for no other reason, because I become more engaging and interesting to watch when I have that kind of pressure on me.
I remember when I took Meisner in college, the teacher boiled it all down to six actions that you could play (though you could combine them as necessary, i.e. celebrate someone in order to seduce them), and what your character wants. Everybody wants something. As actors, we have to figure out what it is our character wants, and then make that the absolute most important thing in the world. In my next exercise, I want to go on tour, and if I don't, I'll curl up in a ditch and die. Should be fun, I think.
I try to. I know the teacher is going to set me up to want something from my partner, so as I think about each exercise and what I'll be doing, I try to think of what I could possibly want from another person. That might change when I find out which of my classmates I'll be working with, but it's good to have an option, or to have at least considered it. A couple of my classmates have created situations full of despair, but when asked why they are so desperate, they can't come up with specifics. Why not? Pull something out of your ass if you have to. You want to kill yourself because your husband just died and you can't bear to be without him. Which means you could also want love and affection and attention from someone else (i.e. your scene partner), and the thought of that could make you feel really guilty and if you get it...see? That's a scene. As opposed to, "I want to die because I'm messed up and I don't really want anything." That's boring to watch. It's boring to hear about. And it's really funny to me that some of my classmates are having so much trouble with this because the one instructor has told us probably five times now to take risks, to use our imaginations, and to just friggin' try things. I don't think this is the kind of setting wherein either teacher is going to tell us it's too far out there to think that if my sister makes it over before the place is clean, she's going to smack the shit out of me, and then drag me to the airport kicking and screaming, burning down my apartment on the way out. That would light a fire under your ass to clean the place up, wouldn't it? Nice, high stakes. Nice, imaginary situation. But what it will produce is nice, real reactions and emotions. And if you look at the really good movies or plays you've seen, there is almost always some element of the fantastic or extraordinary involved. If this wasn't an atypical day, nobody would have written a play about it. Even "Seinfeld," the show about nothing, managed to elevate the urgency of nothing to epic proportions - Jerry stealing the last loaf of marble rye from a little old lady on the street, the fight with the Soup Nazi, Kramer in general. All of these situations start out normal - he needs bread to take to a party, they're trying to buy lunch - but they get pushed into the ridiculous because for some reason, it is WAY more important that this happen today than any other day and if it doesn't happen today, somebody is going to die. That level of urgency, that level of desperation is what makes something engaging to watch. That level of urgency is what is going to push you as an actor to your emotional extremes. So why not, when you're preparing for an exercise in class, build in that element of urgency and push it past the boundaries of normalcy to the level of lunacy that somebody would actually want to watch? What's stopping you? Especially in class where it is safe to experiment and play and be ridiculous.
For example, in my first exercise, if I didn't fix those pants, we were going to lose our house and my sister was going to disown me. In my second exercise, if I didn't finish my taxes, my boyfriend was going to dump me and kick me out of our apartment, leaving me penniless, jobless, and homeless. In real life, it is entirely possible that either of those outcomes would not happen. I could probably plead with my boyfriend for another week or so in the apartment until I could find my own place and get on my feet. But in the exercise, I think it is important to believe that it won't go that way. If, for no other reason, because I become more engaging and interesting to watch when I have that kind of pressure on me.
I remember when I took Meisner in college, the teacher boiled it all down to six actions that you could play (though you could combine them as necessary, i.e. celebrate someone in order to seduce them), and what your character wants. Everybody wants something. As actors, we have to figure out what it is our character wants, and then make that the absolute most important thing in the world. In my next exercise, I want to go on tour, and if I don't, I'll curl up in a ditch and die. Should be fun, I think.
10 December 2009
Please, Sir, May I Have Some More?
I had another good exercise in class last night. I think I got a good balance of paying attention to my activity and my partner at the same time. I got really angry and I got really despondent. The teacher didn't have much for me in the way of comments, though. She didn't like the environment I created, but other than that, she said it was "pretty decent." I'm not sure what to do with that. Other than make sure the next environment I create is a little more indicative of where my set-up puts me.
A lot of my classmates seem to be having problems with the introduction of imaginary circumstances into things. My thought is to just make something up. If you don't know why you would do something, make something up. Which may or may not be the right approach. For example, one of my classmates didn't really have any feelings one way or the other about the woman whose "apartment" he supposedly just visited and then was going back to, and he therefore had problems figuring out why he would say to her, "I'll be back in five minutes" and why would he come back in five minutes. From my point of view, the thing is this: he returned to the apartment in five minutes. That is a given. It is up to him as an actor to figure out why, whatever that reason is. Maybe he just set a fire in the apartment down the hall and is coming to get her out. Maybe he wants to help with her activity and needed to go find supplies. Maybe the heat is out in his place and he wants to be somewhere warm. Whatever. The truth of the situation is that he went back to her apartment. As actors, we are given those truths all of the time - they are called "scripts." We have to figure out what will motivate us as people to actually do those things. It can be directly related to the other person on stage or it can not be, as long as it gets you there. Because once you are there, who knows what is going to happen? Maybe you show up wanting to evacuate, but end up falling in love and you both burn together in a beautiful Romeo and Juliet type tableaux. You just need to make up a reason to be there. The rest of it will happen how it happens.
Or I could be totally wrong. I have been pulling stuff out of my butt to fill in the spaces in my activities - I've given myself imaginary children and diseases and boyfriends and jobs and all kinds of things - in an attempt to up the stakes in my exercises and I am apparently just doing "pretty decent" work. I don't know what that means. I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't know how to improve on "pretty decent," unless you tell me why those specific words were chosen to describe my work as opposed to, say, "great" or "stinky."
I like that I can leave this class feeling good about myself. I wish I could help my classmates who seem to be struggling so much with it. And I think I need to find a mirror for my next activity, for which I am totally going to trick out the space.
A lot of my classmates seem to be having problems with the introduction of imaginary circumstances into things. My thought is to just make something up. If you don't know why you would do something, make something up. Which may or may not be the right approach. For example, one of my classmates didn't really have any feelings one way or the other about the woman whose "apartment" he supposedly just visited and then was going back to, and he therefore had problems figuring out why he would say to her, "I'll be back in five minutes" and why would he come back in five minutes. From my point of view, the thing is this: he returned to the apartment in five minutes. That is a given. It is up to him as an actor to figure out why, whatever that reason is. Maybe he just set a fire in the apartment down the hall and is coming to get her out. Maybe he wants to help with her activity and needed to go find supplies. Maybe the heat is out in his place and he wants to be somewhere warm. Whatever. The truth of the situation is that he went back to her apartment. As actors, we are given those truths all of the time - they are called "scripts." We have to figure out what will motivate us as people to actually do those things. It can be directly related to the other person on stage or it can not be, as long as it gets you there. Because once you are there, who knows what is going to happen? Maybe you show up wanting to evacuate, but end up falling in love and you both burn together in a beautiful Romeo and Juliet type tableaux. You just need to make up a reason to be there. The rest of it will happen how it happens.
Or I could be totally wrong. I have been pulling stuff out of my butt to fill in the spaces in my activities - I've given myself imaginary children and diseases and boyfriends and jobs and all kinds of things - in an attempt to up the stakes in my exercises and I am apparently just doing "pretty decent" work. I don't know what that means. I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't know how to improve on "pretty decent," unless you tell me why those specific words were chosen to describe my work as opposed to, say, "great" or "stinky."
I like that I can leave this class feeling good about myself. I wish I could help my classmates who seem to be struggling so much with it. And I think I need to find a mirror for my next activity, for which I am totally going to trick out the space.
02 December 2009
...and Then Some
I had a good exercise tonight. I felt kind of unprepared and I guess in a way it showed, but in another way, I had a good exercise. There was one specific detail in my back story that I hadn't quite figured out and I think that is what ended up doing me in. But I wasn't really done in. The preparation work I did was good. I just could have done more. And I could have let more of it show. I think I sort of skimmed over the "how does it make you feel" question and focused a lot on the urgency of the situation. But I think I had a good balance of getting my activity done and staying engaged with my partner. I was identifying things in her, I think perhaps even more than she was identifying things in me. I probably could have tried harder to get her to leave me alone so I could finish, but that didn't feel right. And like the teacher said, I needed to let more of my back story show. In my story, I royally fucked up. Big time. But the class didn't see that because I didn't show that. Or I didn't show it enough. I didn't feel enough shame. I was confounded and confused and disappointed in myself, but I wasn't completely, utterly ashamed of what I had done. And I needed to get there before the exercise started. I also could have prepped my props better, and myself. Which I'll know for next time. I'm already building the story for my next one and I think it is also going to be good.
The exercises that happened before mine were interesting. A lot of my classmates are confused by these new exercises. I almost feel weird saying I'm not. I think I get it now that the first class was about getting us in tune with ourselves so we know what our impulses are and we get comfortable exploring the uncomfortable places in a public(ish) setting. Now we are adding in more and more elements of the Theatre with a Capital T, but still trying to hold onto the following impulses bit. As in, my impulse as Kitty, with all of Kitty's life experiences, might be to laugh when someone calls me beautiful. Whereas if I put in the imaginary circumstances that I am not me and I just tried to sleep with my sister's potential boss so that he would give her the job, I might get angry and hurt and start crying if someone calls me beautiful because I'm feeling dirty and shameful and want to hide from the world. It is still a truthful impulse, just fueled by different circumstances. These exercises are designed to give us different fuel because as actors, we will never be ourselves on stage. I had an improv teacher tell me once that given the choice, always play a character in improv exercises because they are much more interesting than you are. The combination of these two classes is helping us get to a place where we can infuse as much emotional life and truth into a character that is the absolute opposite of ourselves as we have as regular everyday people.
I got a lot of positive commentary from the teacher today. And the criticisms were constructive ones and I think she enjoyed giving them. There is a part of me that thinks she chose me to work tonight because she likes to see me work and/or thinks I have potential. There were a couple of rough exercises and when she asked if I was prepared to work tonight, I think she did so thinking that mine could be a good, energizing exercise. Like after you have a mediocre dance with someone, you seek out one of your favorite partners to have a really good dance. There was part of me that felt like I was the really good dance tonight and that felt amazing. By no means did I nail it. But I did good work and got good comments that I can use to make my next exercise even stronger.
The exercises that happened before mine were interesting. A lot of my classmates are confused by these new exercises. I almost feel weird saying I'm not. I think I get it now that the first class was about getting us in tune with ourselves so we know what our impulses are and we get comfortable exploring the uncomfortable places in a public(ish) setting. Now we are adding in more and more elements of the Theatre with a Capital T, but still trying to hold onto the following impulses bit. As in, my impulse as Kitty, with all of Kitty's life experiences, might be to laugh when someone calls me beautiful. Whereas if I put in the imaginary circumstances that I am not me and I just tried to sleep with my sister's potential boss so that he would give her the job, I might get angry and hurt and start crying if someone calls me beautiful because I'm feeling dirty and shameful and want to hide from the world. It is still a truthful impulse, just fueled by different circumstances. These exercises are designed to give us different fuel because as actors, we will never be ourselves on stage. I had an improv teacher tell me once that given the choice, always play a character in improv exercises because they are much more interesting than you are. The combination of these two classes is helping us get to a place where we can infuse as much emotional life and truth into a character that is the absolute opposite of ourselves as we have as regular everyday people.
I got a lot of positive commentary from the teacher today. And the criticisms were constructive ones and I think she enjoyed giving them. There is a part of me that thinks she chose me to work tonight because she likes to see me work and/or thinks I have potential. There were a couple of rough exercises and when she asked if I was prepared to work tonight, I think she did so thinking that mine could be a good, energizing exercise. Like after you have a mediocre dance with someone, you seek out one of your favorite partners to have a really good dance. There was part of me that felt like I was the really good dance tonight and that felt amazing. By no means did I nail it. But I did good work and got good comments that I can use to make my next exercise even stronger.
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