Sad

My exercise was too close to me today. 90% of my backstory was completely true. Which means when she came in and told me I was making an ass out of myself, she was telling me I was making an ass out of myself. And I had to wonder if I really am.

The teacher thought I needed more prep or deeper stakes or something - I was completely invested and I don't know that I could have prepped more. It is possible that it didn't all show - he didn't ask questions that covered all of the bases I had thought of. But I should have been able to show those things and I didn't. He thought that what I had put together was good in a couple of respects, weak in a couple of others. And my partner told me afterward that I am fun to work with. I enjoyed working with her quite a bit, too, even though in the moment-to-moment work of the scene, she was driving me crazy and making me feel like shit.

And I brought home the feelings of shit. I know I shouldn't, but I did and just a moment ago, I got almost unspeakably sad and I'm not exactly sure why. Failure in class can be a good thing because you can learn from it. And there was one guy today who made up his own sort of homework assignment, completely missing the boat regarding what these activities are supposed to be, so at least mine wasn't as bad as his. And some of my classmates are still talking about an exercise I did earlier in the week, so I must be doing something right somewhere. But today my exercise was about me and I was told that I sucked and it hurt. So right now, I hurt. Because part of me thinks it's true. Trust me - I had a mirror in my exercise today and I didn't necessarily like the dancing the girl looking back at me was doing.

And I thought about the holidays a lot today because they're coming up but we're not really doing much for them in my family this year (everyone is scaling back), so I really don't have much to do holiday-wise this year which is nice because it's not stressful, but it is kind of sad to not be doing much for the holidays. And I'm sorry and I'm afraid to say anything about the holidays at all because I'm likely to offend someone I didn't intend to offend, so I think I'll just have to say that I'll enjoy them again when I have my own family and am able to create my own traditions. Until then...I need to find my motivation.

I dunno. I'm sorry. I know my exercise couldn't have been that bad, but I'm just really sad right now. Which says I should probably go to sleep. Good night.