Armor

Or armour for our friends overseas.

I had an excellent exercise in class yesterday. So said the teacher, even. I was frustrated through most of it because I felt like my partner was very much in her own headspace and it wasn't supposed to be an exercise about her, it was supposed to be an exercise about us. But anyway. The teacher had to coach me a bit to take down my armor. Which normally, would upset me a bit because I get tired of having armor there so the fact that it is still there and still shows up all of the time bothers me. But she also said that it was perfectly natural for the armor to come up, given the circumstances, and that I wouldn't have had the full support of the audience the way that I did if I hadn't completely fallen apart before I put up the armor. See, in the scene, I'm getting ready to tell my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. My neighbor comes in and tells me she slept with my boyfriend, got pregnant, and he made her abort. One option, while she was telling me these things, would have been for me to rail against her and tell her I didn't believe her and I had to talk to him and throw her out of my house. But I didn't. I took what she said as true and lived in it for a moment. I cried really hard, and I shook a lot. And then I built up my armor because that's what you do when your foe has vanquished you. But then I didn't know how to take it back down, and I needed coaching with that. All in all, though, the teacher said there was some excellent work, so I'll take that.

I was drained afterward though. I was talking to a classmate of mine afterward about how much strength and energy it takes to do this and how empty you can feel once your exercise is over. If I do get to a point someday where I get to do this professionally, and I am paid to go to these places on a daily basis, I don't know how I would have the energy to go out and party and get high and mess around with other hot young stars. I just wouldn't. I'm going to be a very dull celebrity who just wants to go home and go to bed after a long day of work. And you know what? I'm okay with that.