Catch Up

So there has been a lot going on and some of it I can talk about and some of it I can't yet, so please bear with me as I'm kind of vague.

I have gone on 14 auditions in the last two weeks. Of these fourteen auditions, I'm only holding out hope that two of them might produce something. Might. That's not an "I was cast in something!" that's an "I think I made it past the first round of auditions" kind of a thing. For anyone who watches reality television, I think I made it to episode two of a thirteen-episode season. It doesn't necessarily put me any closer to winning the million dollars, it just means I haven't gone home yet. And the sad part is, I'm thrilled that I haven't gone home yet. I could be sent home tomorrow - I don't know. But I'm still living in the house and for now, I have to take comfort in that because I really don't have anything else to go on.

What is difficult about these fourteen auditions in two weeks is that I worked really hard to get ready for them - really hard - and at least twelve of them didn't even give me a second thought. Hell, a lot of them weren't even paying attention as I was up there emoting my heart out. Granted, there are a million reasons why a casting director doesn't cast someone, many of which have nothing to do with skill or talent. Maybe they don't need any more little white girls. Maybe they'd rather have a blond. Maybe they need someone who isn't involved in other things at the moment. Maybe the chemistry between me and the lead guy isn't quite right. And sadly, all of these things are out of my control. And I know that as an actor, I have to get used to rejection. This business is largely about rejection. The one time you get hired is the anomaly in a seemingly never-ending stream of rejections. And you're supposed to build up a thick skin and not take it personally and keep your chin up and go to the next audition with a smile on your face, ready to blow them away. But it has been a long time for me. I wasn't auditioning for a while there because I was a theater company member, and then because I took some time off to be a rock star. And to take twelve rejections in two weeks, often times when the auditor wasn't even looking at me... Some of them felt like I was put into the "no" pile the second I entered the room. And I entered the room well. I put on the pretty pretty make-up so my skin glowed. I did my hair so it looked full and bouncy and vibrant. I wore the figure-flattering trousers and nice sweaters and comfy shoes that set me just a little bit apart from all of the other little white girls auditioning. And I smiled and said hi and was very personable. And before I could even open my mouth, they had already decided that I wasn't right for the part. That hurts. I'm sorry, but it hurts. I know I'm not the best audition they are going to see in a day, but I am trying really hard and I know that given the opportunity, I can light up the stage, but I don't get the opportunity. So all of that knowledge that it could be about looks or quotas or schedules or some vendetta the director has against some teacher I studied with ten years ago that is supposed to help me deal with the onslaught of "no, thank yous" does very little to get me into a show or provide me with opportunity. Which is all I really need. An opportunity.

So I start to think that maybe some of the rejections are the result of something I did or didn't do. Maybe I should have cried. Maybe I needed to show more desperation. Maybe I should have done the piece that has more movement. Maybe I should have sung a different song. Maybe I really need some vocal help and the sound of me talking for two minutes really just grated on the auditor's nerves. Maybe I came on too strong. Which leads us to...maybe all of my hard work just wasn't enough. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I just don't have what they're looking for - what anyone is looking for. Maybe that's why I'm not in a relationship either - I'm holding out for some guy who makes me feel a certain way but no guy that would make me feel that way would ever feel that way for me because I just don't have what he is looking for. And I watch the lives of all of these people around me moving forward - people getting married and having kids and finding new jobs and so on and so forth - and I wonder if I am holding onto a dream I should have let go of years ago so that my life can move forward along the path it is supposed to take instead of fighting so hard to make it move down the one I want it to be on. Because it gets tiring to have to fight so hard all of the time. ALL of the time.

But I'm still in the house. I haven't been sent home yet.

And I got to go to class last night - the new session started. It sounds like it is going to be similar to the last session but moreso. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone outside of the class, but that is okay. And I did decent work. I don't know that I was completely invested in being in love with my partner, but I certainly let his actions and words affect me. And given the circumstances, even though I was supposed to be completely in love with him, I also think it was appropriate to scream at him and hate him and not want to be near him. Maybe that's what love is sometimes. It can't be all flowers and kittens all the time, right? There are going to be moments when your lover really, truly hurts you. And moments when you really, truly hurt them. I don't know. I got to some weird, scary emotional places last night (and I'm actually kind of annoyed that the scene ended when it did because I think I was about to break in half), but I think a lot of them had more to do with how I now felt about myself than how I felt about my partner. I was taking in what he was saying to me, but I don't think I was very focused on him, if that makes any sense. I kept burying my head in my hands, which, even in the moment, felt to me like an indicator that I was going into my head when I should have popped out of it and observed something about him. The teacher thought it was some good work and he liked our preparation that we were able to throw together in five minutes, so that is good. I don't know how much "constructive criticism," so to speak, to walk away from last night's class with, though, as it felt a little more like an exercise in improvisation instead of an exercise in preparation - which is what the rest of the session is going to be. I dunno.

I was talking to my classmates before class about my onslaught of rejections and they said that I know I'm a good actor so everything will be fine. I told them I don't know that. They were surprised by that statement, and then, when we went into the theater, they all sort of sat in a clump around me. I don't know if it was a conscious choice - in previous class sessions, we've all sort of had our space with a chair or two between students - but last night we all sat next to each other in a little clump with me in the middle. And for a moment, I felt wonderful and loved and supported. Even if it was accidental, these people have become my friends and they like having me around. And even if I fail miserably, even if I am sent home empty-handed in the next round of eliminations, they believe in my talent, they like to work with me, and they enjoy watching me work in class. They will still be my friends.

So I'm still in the house. And I'm not alone in here.

Thank you for that.