Self-Doubt and Wonderment

What kind of mint?

I'm suffering (a bit) from bouts of self-doubt, in large part because I'm not getting the same kind of feedback in my classes that the other students are. In my one class, the teacher has been able to identify little ticks and quirks and safety mechanisms that just about everyone else has, but she has said nothing to me. Do I not have these things, or has she just not seen them yet? I can't imagine that I'm an actor without habitual behaviors. Does that even happen? I don't think so. She has called me out for not speaking my point of view in repetition, and I noticed myself being fearful in repetition last class, so that's something I can work on. I used to be fearless, but I was really trepidatious in working with one scene partner in particular. I should have followed my instincts instead of worrying about how they would affect him. My job is to affect him. Anyway. But then when I'm up doing table work with my regular partner, I don't get a lot of notes. Hardly any. I say a thing or two about my character or about the circumstance of the play, but that's about it. Now, I don't know if that is because of where we are sitting in the room in relation to the teacher - maybe it's harder for her to see me - or if it's because the real meaty bits for my character come later in the scene and we haven't gotten there yet, but I don't know what to do when I'm not getting notes. I just don't. I know I haven't explored everything that there is to explore about this scene or this character, but one would think that if I'm not getting many notes, that I'm doing a decent job, yes? Or that I'm doing horribly and she thinks I'm a lost cause. I don't think I'm a lost cause, and I don't think she's the sort of instructor who would give up on me if I was - I've seen how she works with some of the other students in the class who are visibly struggling. She's not the "give a free pass" kind of teacher. So why am I getting a free pass (almost)?

I have been told by directors in the past, when I ask them for feedback after going several rehearsals without any, that "When I can get the rest of the cast to where you are, then I'll give you notes." I know that is meant as a compliment, and it is very flattering, but it also makes me really self-conscious. I want to learn. I want to grow. And I can't do that if I don't get any notes. Anyway.

I do like the scenes I'm currently working on, so maybe I am doing well enough with them that the teacher doesn't see anything glaringly awful about it and is just going to let me play. I guess that's an option. It's funny - for the scene I'm working on for my Saturday class, I have the feeling that the character is one of those women who wears too much jewelry and not enough underwear, if you know what I mean. Flow-y, flowery dresses, long necklaces, kind of looks like a hippie. So I wore a long, floral dress to class with some more jewelry than I normally wear and tried to make my hair look kind of messy, like I didn't really try to style it, and the response from my classmates, scene partner, and the teacher, was that I looked really nice. I hadn't meant to look nice. I meant to look like I didn't care about my appearance. Oh well. Anyway.

I'm just rambling now, so I think I'll stop. I am good at this. Maybe I just need to do something glaringly awful to prove that to myself.