Twofer

I had two auditions this weekend and got two callbacks out of the deal.

Hooray!

I don't mean to boast - I know that boasting is distasteful - but I have to admit that in my book, it is a little personal victory to be called back from both auditions. One was monologues, and while I don't think I nailed my pieces, I think there were good elements in them and at the very least, I wasn't scared. The other was readings from the script and I think I did pretty well. Largely because they had me reading for a supporting character, but then the director asked me to stick around and read for the lead, and when I was done, the director said, "Good read." And now I've been called back for the lead.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high for either show because as we all know, I've been called back for other shows wherein I am ultimately not cast. But I have to admit, it is a confidence boost to know that I went in to two different auditions this weekend and didn't fuck either one up. It goes back to that whole trusting myself thing I was talking about a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am in a place where I can say, "I'm good at this. I'm damn good at this," and believe it. Being damn good doesn't always mean you'll get cast, but I can hold my head up high and know that when I am cast in something, I will bring so much frickin' life to that stage they won't know what to do with me. Again, I don't mean to boast; I just have confidence that I don't think I had before.

The weird thing for me about the one callback (the one where I am being called back for the lead) is that I had sort of relegated myself to playing supporting characters. I don't know if it is because I don't think I'm thin enough or because my window of opportunity to play the ingenue has passed, or if it is because in all of my years with the theater where I was a company member, I was always cast in supporting roles, but I had sort of decided that I am a supporting character. Which is totally unfair. I could carry a play. Where I am, right now, in my journey as a performer, I could carry a play. I think I have the strength. I think I have the stamina. I think I have the courage to go all of the various places that a lead character would need to go. I know I have the drive and the determination to put in the work to make it happen. Maybe that is the next step in my development - to embrace myself as a lead actress.

Or not. I could be talking out of my ass.

But have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt? I loved going into these auditions over the weekend and getting up on the stage for three minutes at a time and acting. Putting everything I could into these characters I'm just starting to get to know. And I have to admit, it's hard to come home after that and be...not acting. That's the frustrating thing about where I am right now with trusting myself and whatnot - it's great and I want to do it all the time, but until I'm in something, I'll just get to do it in fits and spurts once or twice a week. What can I say? I'm an addict. I love the connection. I love the emotion. I love the freedom and the conflict and the study and the work and the release in the end. I want to do that all day every day.

And maybe one of these days, I'll rock a callback as much as I rocked the initial audition, I'll be cast in something, and I'll get to do that in more than fits and spurts.