Last Class

So tonight is the last class of this session and I'm nervous about it but I also really don't care. Which is a horrible horrible horrible thing to say because it's not true. I do care. I want to go in there and do well. There are 11 people in the class and the last exercise is paired-up partner work, so I get to do two scenes and I'm thrilled that I get to do two scenes and I'm thrilled that I get to do two so very different scenes and I love my scene partners and I don't want to go in there and let them down.

That being said, since the time that this session of classes started to now, I have watched the efforts of the past year sort of go up in smoke. That's hard to take. When you pour your heart and soul into something and find out it's just not enough, that hurts. It hurts enough to inspire a person to rethink his or her goals and try to reevaluate how to get there, if she still wants to get there. And it can sour a person on the whole "being an artist" thing.

I will always be an artist. I will always come up with ideas for songs and projects and I will always love performing. The question is, do I still need to be an artist outside of my own home, or could I be happy living the 9 to 5 lifestyle, creating stuff that nobody else ever sees or hears or experiences? The answer is, I don't know.

The frustrating part is that I am a good actor. I'm doing well in these classes. My classmates like working with me. My classmates like watching me. My teachers have some really wonderful things to say about my work. Which means that there are about fifteen people who know I'm really good at this and who would encourage me to continue to pursue my dreams. Outside of that circle of fifteen people, I can't get anyone to give me the time of day at the moment. I know some people who would be in a position to help me and I have asked in the past and nothing really has come of it. I know people who could help my music career, too, but I somehow can't get them to spend three minutes listening to a song. The greatest skill that I lack as a performer is the ability to network. I'm horrible at it. I hate the inane getting-to-know-you chit-chat. I hate coming off as an opportunist. I hate being constantly sized-up. I'm horrible at tooting my own horn. And if I am going to go anywhere in my career as an artist, that is exactly what I am going to have to do. The question is, in the face of my recent onslaught of rejections, do I have the energy, confidence, and motivation to do that all on my own? The answer is, I don't know.

So in the meantime, I'm going to my class tonight to do my two scenes and I hope they go well. If they don't, though, it's not the end of the world. This session will end either way and I still get to sit and think about whether or not I want to continue with these classes. It sounds like several of the people I enjoy working with in the class will not be continuing, which is another factor to consider.

I don't know. I honestly don't. I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point, and I hope I start to care again soon because I really do love this and I love being the girl who dreams big. But it hurts when your big dreams turn into big disappointments and sometimes, you just gotta take the time to heal. I have loved this class and I love my classmates, but I think I may need some time to heal and for that reason, I'm glad it is the last class of the session.

Ick

I just felt icky after last night's class. In my scene, I was stuck between a gross place and an even grosser place - do I stay with the uber creepy guy or the violent guy? Disclaimer: I was in no physical danger in the scene at any point. Not even close. We just had this really off-the-wall set-up for our improv scene that just left me feeling icky. And the fun part is, it was based on an actual play. Which we knew going in, but I didn't know what play. Now I kind of wish I didn't know which play because I don't particularly like the author. I know, I know, he's famous and everyone loves him and his stuff is classic, but I hate the female characters that he writes. Hate them. I had to play one in a scene in class in college and it still goes down as one of the worst classroom experiences I've had. If you're going to play, you should do so in class, yes? My scene partner wanted me to essentially do a caricature of this woman the way everyone else ever has played her, and I wanted to do something a little different and it was just bad. Just plain bad. And I really didn't like that teacher very much, either, so I'm kind of soured on this particular author. Which may be why I just ended up feeling icky last night.

I don't think it was bad work that I did last night. But I wasn't the character as she is written in the play. Which makes sense, as I didn't know what play the scene was based on. The teacher told me I have to reach about ten levels lower on the despair ladder to get where this character needs to be and the funny thing is, in my prep, I was there. But then I walked in and my partner was all kinds of creepy and I just got defensive. So of course I go home and beat myself up for not nailing the character, even though I didn't know who she was supposed to be. I got a lot of things right - all she really has is her sexuality, so my costuming choices were right. But I hadn't lost all hope or all respect for myself. Which may be the fundamental difference between myself and the female characters written by this particular author. I don't know. I'm getting a copy of the script because we are supposed to start working on the scene for our final class, so we'll see what she's really like.

I think it could be really good for me to play the type of character I don't normally get to play.

I think also, that in my real life right now, I am trying so hard to find the positives and keep myself sane and find some sort of belief in myself that I just couldn't lose all of that on stage last night. I'm feeling a little better, though still antsy, and I'm making the plans that I can make, not knowing what's going on. And I have to do those things. If I just let myself be lost and disgruntled and sad, I scare the crap out of my family and friends. Myself sometimes, too. But I'm holding it together at the moment and it's possible that it was just too hard for me to let it all unravel last night, particularly with my uber creepy partner like that.

Here's hoping I get a present soon so I can either hit bottom and know what that's like so I can put it on stage, or so I can regain some faith in myself so I know it's okay to hit bottom on stage. I know that makes no sense to you and that's okay. It makes perfect sense to me.

Update

See, the thing is this. I'm good at this. I'm really good at this. I feel like a total bitch saying I'm good at this, but I'm good at this.

My exercise in class last night felt really weird. The character was very close to where I am in my own life right now - sort of one last shot to make it as an actor or she has to give it up completely. I've been feeling that way lately, in large part because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere and the rejections right now just really hurt. Really hurt. It's a question of do I keep trying even though it hurts more than I can tell you, or do I give up on my dreams which will hurt more than I can tell you so hopefully I'll feel better later on? Neither is a good choice. And the character I played last night was desperate to fix things so that she could continue to be an actor. But I don't feel like I really got to release everything in my release - I was an absolute mess over the weekend when I determined my mantra for this character is "I'm not done being an actor yet," but when I said those words in class, they just felt different. I didn't implode. I cried, but it was very soft. And then, of course, the scene was set up so I didn't know my partner very well to begin with, so I wasn't completely prepared to fall to pieces in front of him. And he's not an actor I have worked with before in class, so that added to it, too - I wasn't sure how far I could push him or how far he was going to push me. And it didn't feel like he pushed. I felt like I did a lot of pushing and I was actually kind of rude and bitchy to him, which was as close to a release as I got in the scene, and he just took it. Agreed with me and moved on. And the whole scene was just...awkward and weird. The teacher called it compelling and thought it was really good. I just felt...weird.

After one of the later exercises, I think I figured out what felt weird about it. It was very much a talking scene. Exposition galore. And I kept trying to stop myself from asking questions in favor of making observations to try to keep our relationship present and in the moment, but it made for really strange conversation, which, given that the scene was so conversational, felt really odd. And then, I don't think I got to release in the scene. Not in any sort of big, satisfying, emotionally cathartic way, anyway, which is what I was hoping for considering how painful the prep for this exercise was. But it didn't come up. As much as I accused him of being the problem, he just took it. He didn't push my bad buttons at all. He just kept trying to be charming, but then would say something awkward and strange and I didn't trust him, but I could see he was trying and I don't know. It wasn't any sort of circumstance in which I would open up and bare my soul to this guy. I do think I gave him a couple of opportunities to call me out on my shit, but he missed them so we moved on. And on the one hand, that is disappointing and I wish I had gotten to release the way I needed to. But on the other hand, it means I went into this exercise with some sort of objective and when the circumstances changed, I went with it. I didn't try to force the scene to be something other than what it was.

I do feel a little bad because at least once, I felt like I was calling my partner out on behavior that perhaps has some roots in his past classroom performances. I apologize for that - I shouldn't be "directing" anyone on stage, and in a way, that's exactly what my character did to his. But then, as I watched some of my fellow students perform their exercises, I found myself wishing I was in the scene with them so I could do exactly that. Call them out on their shit. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but it does bring me back to the thought that maybe I would make a good teacher someday.

I talked to my teacher a little bit this week to see what it is I need to work on because as lovely as it is to be called compelling and to know that I do good work in class, I want to be able to improve on something - I need some direction. She said I need to work on trusting myself. That I know how to do this and I know what the right thing to do is and to just trust that I'll get up there and do it. I don't know that I'm there yet - obviously since I'm second guessing a scene everyone thought was lovely. But I do have a tendency to do do scenes that get deemed lovely, when I'm working with people I've worked with before or I've never been on stage with or people who are struggling in class or people who are excelling in class. The scenes I'm in usually turn out pretty well. I still miss things - opportunities - but I'm still learning. And I'm also guessing that at least some of those missed opportunities wouldn't be missed if I had a script to work with that pointed them out to me, if that makes sense. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to not miss them, but still. I think I've gotten pretty good at being emotionally free to bounce from playful to furious and back again in two seconds flat. I think I've gotten pretty good at recognizing when I'm going into my head so I can try to shift my focus back to my partner. I think I've gotten pretty good at observing my partner. I don't feel like I'm a selfish actor, though I may be a semi-defensive one. And I'm not afraid to go to the scary dark icky places. I'm just...good at this.

So now that I have that knowledge, what do I do with it?

I'm Sorry

Last night was probably the most difficult emotional work I have done in class. I'm still kind of reeling from it, which pisses me off in that "this is why Heath Ledger died" kind of a way. I need to be able to snap out of this and remember that it was a scene in a class and does not represent who I am as a person in real life.

It was a scene that dealt with rape, or didn't deal with it, as the case may be. I was not the victim - my roommate and scene partner and best friend was - and my uncle was the supposed perpetrator. In the world of the scene, this uncle is pretty much the only family I have and he has always been good to me. In the world of the scene, I talked to him before I talked to her and he painted her as the bad guy and the attacker. So I was less than sympathetic when she revealed what had happened. And I think that is the part that was/is the hardest for me to deal with. I am, in real life, a nice person. A supportive person. The sort who listens and who will just hold a friend when she is sad or try to make her laugh when she's had a rough day. I am, in real life, a good person and a good friend. In the world of the scene, I was horrible. I was (and still am) mortified by some of the things I was saying to her, but in the world of the scene, they were my truths. I didn't trust her. I hated her for accusing my uncle of that. I wanted it to be her fault or a joke or a something because how am I supposed to choose between my only family and my only friend? And in the end, I lost them both.

I don't think I have cried that hard in a really long time and I was completely drained by the time it was over. I went home and made my cat hug me and curled up in bed with a teddy bear and episodes of South Park to try to get back to normal. But the scene just kept playing and replaying and replaying in my head and I kept beating myself up for all of the things I could have said or should have said and I kept looking at the moments when I could have shown more compassion, or when I wanted her to show some compassion or understanding for the absolute crap situation I was now in and how else could I have tried to make her see that and all of that stuff. And I finally fell asleep at about 12:30, but I woke up again at about 2:30 with this stuff still circling through my head and I couldn't get back to sleep. And it pisses me off! It was a scene! In class! It was all imaginary! None of it actually happened! The teacher had one note for us - she said I needed to fully realize the truth that what I had lost was my friend. I think I did, I just don't think I verbalized it very well when she told me to speak my truth. I said, "I don't want to be alone," knowing that I was. But that was the only note she had for us. Our preparation on our own was great, our preparation together was great, our moment to moment work was great, we were both present at the same time that we had all of this shit to deal with. And the rest of the class was kind of stunned by our work, too. I'm just kind of kicking myself because when it was all over, I really needed a hug but I didn't want to look like that actor who couldn't snap out of it when the scene was done so I just packed up my stuff like normal and by the time I could have asked for a hug, most of my classmates were gone. So I still need one. Badly.

I'm afraid that my classmates saw me as the villain in the scene. I'm afraid that if I make a career out of being a villain, I will have to do scenes like this over and over and over again and I won't have anyone to hug me when I walk off set. On the one hand, it would be great because I will effect people - my scene partners and my audience. On the other hand, I can see how it would get hard to take after a while.

I think the scene was also really hard for me because I based the character of my uncle on one of my real uncles, and I had a picture of him sitting on the table in our apartment. And I know this uncle. He is wonderful and smart and supportive and caring and will help his family through anything if they need it. I could see him actually taking care of me when my parents were killed, if something like that were to happen. So for her to be accusing him of that...it made it very real for me. And I can't decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Yes, it upped the stakes for me, so in that respect, it was probably a good thing. But it hurts to think of my uncle that way, so in that respect, maybe I should have cast a slightly more fictional uncle. I don't know if my choices to cast people close to my heart are good ones or bad ones. The answer is probably "yes."

What's really funny is as I was watching the other scenes in class (we went last), I started to feel really unprepared. I knew who I had cast as my uncle and who I had cast as my boyfriend and what life had been like for the last year with this woman as my roommate, but I honestly didn't know how to feel when I walked in the room or what I really wanted from her. Part of me wanted her to be the liar, part of me wanted her to not be the liar so she could still be my friend. And when it came right down to it, as I was standing in the hallway waiting while my scene partner had her release, all I could think about was how all of my girl friends in high school turned on me over something really stupid and petty and how much it hurt to not have girl friends anymore. So when I walked in to do my release, I was already hurt and angry and crying and desperately needing my friend. I am kind of proud of myself that I just let the emotion happen, based on the preparation. I think that was a good thing. The preparation fueled me, but it didn't overtake me to the point where I couldn't be present in the moment. Because all I had was the moment and what was going on in front of me. So in that respect, yay! I did good work!

I don't know. I know it wasn't real. I know it was some really great work. I still feel the need to apologize to all of my girl friends for my behavior, and I want you all to know that if you find yourself in a horrible situation like that, you can come to me and I will be supportive. I'm so sorry that I even thought those things, much less said them, even just in the context of class. I'm sorry to my scene partner for being so awful to her (even though as an actor, it could be considered a gift). I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I hurt you and I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend in the scene. In real life, I am a much better friend than that. I'm sorry.

Catch Up

So there has been a lot going on and some of it I can talk about and some of it I can't yet, so please bear with me as I'm kind of vague.

I have gone on 14 auditions in the last two weeks. Of these fourteen auditions, I'm only holding out hope that two of them might produce something. Might. That's not an "I was cast in something!" that's an "I think I made it past the first round of auditions" kind of a thing. For anyone who watches reality television, I think I made it to episode two of a thirteen-episode season. It doesn't necessarily put me any closer to winning the million dollars, it just means I haven't gone home yet. And the sad part is, I'm thrilled that I haven't gone home yet. I could be sent home tomorrow - I don't know. But I'm still living in the house and for now, I have to take comfort in that because I really don't have anything else to go on.

What is difficult about these fourteen auditions in two weeks is that I worked really hard to get ready for them - really hard - and at least twelve of them didn't even give me a second thought. Hell, a lot of them weren't even paying attention as I was up there emoting my heart out. Granted, there are a million reasons why a casting director doesn't cast someone, many of which have nothing to do with skill or talent. Maybe they don't need any more little white girls. Maybe they'd rather have a blond. Maybe they need someone who isn't involved in other things at the moment. Maybe the chemistry between me and the lead guy isn't quite right. And sadly, all of these things are out of my control. And I know that as an actor, I have to get used to rejection. This business is largely about rejection. The one time you get hired is the anomaly in a seemingly never-ending stream of rejections. And you're supposed to build up a thick skin and not take it personally and keep your chin up and go to the next audition with a smile on your face, ready to blow them away. But it has been a long time for me. I wasn't auditioning for a while there because I was a theater company member, and then because I took some time off to be a rock star. And to take twelve rejections in two weeks, often times when the auditor wasn't even looking at me... Some of them felt like I was put into the "no" pile the second I entered the room. And I entered the room well. I put on the pretty pretty make-up so my skin glowed. I did my hair so it looked full and bouncy and vibrant. I wore the figure-flattering trousers and nice sweaters and comfy shoes that set me just a little bit apart from all of the other little white girls auditioning. And I smiled and said hi and was very personable. And before I could even open my mouth, they had already decided that I wasn't right for the part. That hurts. I'm sorry, but it hurts. I know I'm not the best audition they are going to see in a day, but I am trying really hard and I know that given the opportunity, I can light up the stage, but I don't get the opportunity. So all of that knowledge that it could be about looks or quotas or schedules or some vendetta the director has against some teacher I studied with ten years ago that is supposed to help me deal with the onslaught of "no, thank yous" does very little to get me into a show or provide me with opportunity. Which is all I really need. An opportunity.

So I start to think that maybe some of the rejections are the result of something I did or didn't do. Maybe I should have cried. Maybe I needed to show more desperation. Maybe I should have done the piece that has more movement. Maybe I should have sung a different song. Maybe I really need some vocal help and the sound of me talking for two minutes really just grated on the auditor's nerves. Maybe I came on too strong. Which leads us to...maybe all of my hard work just wasn't enough. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I just don't have what they're looking for - what anyone is looking for. Maybe that's why I'm not in a relationship either - I'm holding out for some guy who makes me feel a certain way but no guy that would make me feel that way would ever feel that way for me because I just don't have what he is looking for. And I watch the lives of all of these people around me moving forward - people getting married and having kids and finding new jobs and so on and so forth - and I wonder if I am holding onto a dream I should have let go of years ago so that my life can move forward along the path it is supposed to take instead of fighting so hard to make it move down the one I want it to be on. Because it gets tiring to have to fight so hard all of the time. ALL of the time.

But I'm still in the house. I haven't been sent home yet.

And I got to go to class last night - the new session started. It sounds like it is going to be similar to the last session but moreso. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone outside of the class, but that is okay. And I did decent work. I don't know that I was completely invested in being in love with my partner, but I certainly let his actions and words affect me. And given the circumstances, even though I was supposed to be completely in love with him, I also think it was appropriate to scream at him and hate him and not want to be near him. Maybe that's what love is sometimes. It can't be all flowers and kittens all the time, right? There are going to be moments when your lover really, truly hurts you. And moments when you really, truly hurt them. I don't know. I got to some weird, scary emotional places last night (and I'm actually kind of annoyed that the scene ended when it did because I think I was about to break in half), but I think a lot of them had more to do with how I now felt about myself than how I felt about my partner. I was taking in what he was saying to me, but I don't think I was very focused on him, if that makes any sense. I kept burying my head in my hands, which, even in the moment, felt to me like an indicator that I was going into my head when I should have popped out of it and observed something about him. The teacher thought it was some good work and he liked our preparation that we were able to throw together in five minutes, so that is good. I don't know how much "constructive criticism," so to speak, to walk away from last night's class with, though, as it felt a little more like an exercise in improvisation instead of an exercise in preparation - which is what the rest of the session is going to be. I dunno.

I was talking to my classmates before class about my onslaught of rejections and they said that I know I'm a good actor so everything will be fine. I told them I don't know that. They were surprised by that statement, and then, when we went into the theater, they all sort of sat in a clump around me. I don't know if it was a conscious choice - in previous class sessions, we've all sort of had our space with a chair or two between students - but last night we all sat next to each other in a little clump with me in the middle. And for a moment, I felt wonderful and loved and supported. Even if it was accidental, these people have become my friends and they like having me around. And even if I fail miserably, even if I am sent home empty-handed in the next round of eliminations, they believe in my talent, they like to work with me, and they enjoy watching me work in class. They will still be my friends.

So I'm still in the house. And I'm not alone in here.

Thank you for that.

Evaluations

We didn't have class on Saturday, we had evaluations. On the one hand, I got a really good evaluation. I am imaginative, I have a good sense of dramatic structure, I'm not afraid of conflict, I'm engaging to watch. All excellent things. I'm left not knowing what to build on, though. Not knowing what direction to go in except forward. We must go forward, not backward, up, not forward, and twirling, always twirling toward the future. I like the twirling bit. I think I still need to work on being soft and falling in love more, or easier. I did have a moment in an audition where I was paired with a guy I'd never worked with before and we were doing some improv that was very much like class and I was vulnerable with him. I needed him. I kissed him. And what was great about it was that he just went with it, so he gets a lot of credit for that. If either of us gets something as a result of that audition, I think we both get credit for it. But my point is, I know now that I can get there. I just want to explore that a little bit more.

One interesting thing that one of the teachers said was that I'm not afraid of confrontation, and I seem to relish showing off my dark side. On stage, that is very true. More and more, lately, I've started to realize that one of my biggest goals as a performer is to be described as "fearless." Not necessarily in the "jumping off of buildings" sense of the word, but in the "willing to play the blackmail artist who just wants this one last score so she can leave the country with her boyfriend and forget about the gross Texan men she had to scam and the fact that he thought this last woman he had to sleep with to get money out of her was good" sense of the word. If I can't be the person in my ordinary, everyday life who takes emotional risks, I want to be that person on stage. And if I become this fearless performer, what kinds of roles will I get? Scum bags? Prostitutes? Liars and cheats? Maybe pursuing a career as a villain is a viable option. And how funny would that be if I came to one day make a living by playing the bad guy all of the time? I think it would be funny. And probably a lot of fun. I'd get to die a lot and get beat up and thrown in jail and I'd probably get to yell a bunch.

I'm not saying I only want to play the bad guy from here on out, but those are roles I never would have thought to put myself in. What if I just open up my mind and consider trying it? I remember when I played Francis in "Five Women Wearing the Same Dress" and the audience applauded when I got kicked out of the room. They saw me as the bad guy. They didn't like me. It was my first exposure to being not-the-good-guy and it was weird. It made me want to try that much harder to win them over later, which was probably a really good character building exercise for me as a person and as a performer. Anyway.

The next session of classes starts in a couple of weeks. I have a few more auditions between now and then, so we'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to the next session of classes and to learning and growing more as an artist. I had a really good artist weekend this weekend and I'd kind of like to make those a habit.

Salve for Your Broken Heart

So last night was the last class of this session. There is one more day, but it is evaluations so nobody will be working. I hadn't worked (as you know) in quite some time - not really since before the new year, save a two minute scene last week when not enough people were prepared with activities to fill a class so we did some regular neighbor work. And I was rusty. RUSTY. My prep as a neighbor was not good, so the teacher helped me up the stakes on it and make it more vulnerable, but I don't think I got fully behind the new stakes in my twenty seconds behind the door. And my scene partner was crazy woman who wouldn't listen to anything I was saying, and I wasn't listening to anything she was saying and she pelted me with a doughnut, so I pelted her with one and then I was pissed that I had non-vegan doughnut glaze all over my hand, so I wiped it on her shirt and she (as an actress) had an audition after class that she had to go to with doughnut glaze on her shirt and I felt like such an asshole. So to that classmate, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hope your audition went well and I hope the doughnut washes out of your shirt. I'm so sorry.

The teacher didn't have a lot to say to me after the exercise, which was disappointing. I was standing there feeling like absolute shit and all she really said was that I can do the crazy landlady thing. Maybe she saw a bigger investment in my circumstances than I felt? But I felt like crap about my performance and I wanted to be reemed for that and I wasn't, which means I spent most of the rest of the class sitting there feeling like shit. This is not the note on which I wanted to end the class. For the most part, I think I did pretty well in the class. It still irritates me that I have problems making the soft choices and/or being in love, but for the most part, I think I did pretty well in the class. It just sucks that my last exercise had to be one wherein I felt like I was half-assing the whole thing. I don't like to half-ass things and I'm annoyed with myself that I did it. And that I didn't get busted for it. I even said that I find myself getting into this pattern where I want my dialogue to be interesting, but then I catch myself and force myself back into observational repetition. She said it was a good thing that I can get back to observation and that some of my best moments last night were when I did that. I feel like it takes me out of things, though. Or maybe I'm overanalyzing it. Maybe it's a good thing that I recognize when I'm going into my head and that I've found a mechanism for coping with that, even if the coping mechanism is a head choice designed to force me back out of my head. I don't know. I feel like crap about my exercise last night. My scene partner and I both apologized profusely to each other for general suckage. Which is too bad, because I really enjoy working with this woman and I really enjoyed her set up and I think she is fantastically talented and then I went up there and gave her crap to work with. I'm sorry. We'll be better next time.

The teacher said something about one of the exercises last night, encouraging someone to go for the not-so-obvious choice, or the scary choice, to take risks. She said something along the lines of, "If it doesn't fit in the box, you should grab it." I thought to myself, "I don't fit in the box. Someone should grab me." And then, "Perhaps it is because I don't fit in the box that people don't grab me." And I'm not just talking romantically here, though it is an appropriate metaphor. I think it applies to my artistic career, too. I wrote a couple of weeks ago about how I've played so many diverse roles that sometimes it feels like people don't know what to do with me. I don't fit in the box, so they don't know how to cast me. I'm a pretty little white girl, but I'm strong and intelligent and quirky in a way that cute little white girls normally aren't. And I'm older than I look, too, both chronologically and spiritually. And musically - as much as I want to call my music rock and roll, it's really some rock/alternative/folk/acoustic combo thing that is maybe best described as the love child of early Liz Phair, Danny Elfman, and the Foo Fighters or something like that. It doesn't fit in a box. And as much as labels think they want to find the next great thing, it's scary to take a chance on something that is not easily quantified.

That being said, I don't want to fit in the box. I'm very happy not fitting in the box. I don't want to create the same art as everyone else. I like being odd. I just hope it doesn't hamper my artistic career too much. But if it does, it will just make it that much sweeter when I actually get there.

After class, I met with one of my classmates to work on monologues. We both have a couple of big auditions coming up and thought another set of eyes on our pieces would be a good thing. And it was. I met with another coach last week and the week before and once over the summer and it was great - he was incredibly helpful. But it is nice to get a second opinion, too. And it's nice to have someone to focus on, just to try it, so that you can have a nice mental picture in your head when you go in there and have to do your monologue to some point on the back wall of the auditorium. But it felt good. My classmate's comments were really helpful, so thank you, classmate, for your comments. And it felt a little odd to be coaching him, too. He is very talented. VERY talented. And much further along in his career than I am, so it felt a little odd to be commenting on his performances. But I think it was also a good thing for me to get a little practice coaching someone. To try to find those moments that could be stronger or clearer, and help the person get there without saying, "Well, that was a mess." Practice with constructive criticism and encouragement techniques. I think I did okay. He seemed to listen to what I said and at least took it in to consider it. Whether or not he keeps it and uses it is entirely up to him, but I'd like to think that I at least gave him something to think about. I think that is what a good coach does.

So anyway. Evaluations on Saturday at which point I'll know whether or not I get to move on to the next class. I hope so. I like doing this. I love learning. I love doing this, specifically. And I apologize to my one classmate for sucking and getting doughnut glaze all over you, and I thank my other classmate for your feedback on my audition pieces. Here's to Saturday!