Last night was probably the most difficult emotional work I have done in class. I'm still kind of reeling from it, which pisses me off in that "this is why Heath Ledger died" kind of a way. I need to be able to snap out of this and remember that it was a scene in a class and does not represent who I am as a person in real life.
It was a scene that dealt with rape, or didn't deal with it, as the case may be. I was not the victim - my roommate and scene partner and best friend was - and my uncle was the supposed perpetrator. In the world of the scene, this uncle is pretty much the only family I have and he has always been good to me. In the world of the scene, I talked to him before I talked to her and he painted her as the bad guy and the attacker. So I was less than sympathetic when she revealed what had happened. And I think that is the part that was/is the hardest for me to deal with. I am, in real life, a nice person. A supportive person. The sort who listens and who will just hold a friend when she is sad or try to make her laugh when she's had a rough day. I am, in real life, a good person and a good friend. In the world of the scene, I was horrible. I was (and still am) mortified by some of the things I was saying to her, but in the world of the scene, they were my truths. I didn't trust her. I hated her for accusing my uncle of that. I wanted it to be her fault or a joke or a something because how am I supposed to choose between my only family and my only friend? And in the end, I lost them both.
I don't think I have cried that hard in a really long time and I was completely drained by the time it was over. I went home and made my cat hug me and curled up in bed with a teddy bear and episodes of South Park to try to get back to normal. But the scene just kept playing and replaying and replaying in my head and I kept beating myself up for all of the things I could have said or should have said and I kept looking at the moments when I could have shown more compassion, or when I wanted her to show some compassion or understanding for the absolute crap situation I was now in and how else could I have tried to make her see that and all of that stuff. And I finally fell asleep at about 12:30, but I woke up again at about 2:30 with this stuff still circling through my head and I couldn't get back to sleep. And it pisses me off! It was a scene! In class! It was all imaginary! None of it actually happened! The teacher had one note for us - she said I needed to fully realize the truth that what I had lost was my friend. I think I did, I just don't think I verbalized it very well when she told me to speak my truth. I said, "I don't want to be alone," knowing that I was. But that was the only note she had for us. Our preparation on our own was great, our preparation together was great, our moment to moment work was great, we were both present at the same time that we had all of this shit to deal with. And the rest of the class was kind of stunned by our work, too. I'm just kind of kicking myself because when it was all over, I really needed a hug but I didn't want to look like that actor who couldn't snap out of it when the scene was done so I just packed up my stuff like normal and by the time I could have asked for a hug, most of my classmates were gone. So I still need one. Badly.
I'm afraid that my classmates saw me as the villain in the scene. I'm afraid that if I make a career out of being a villain, I will have to do scenes like this over and over and over again and I won't have anyone to hug me when I walk off set. On the one hand, it would be great because I will effect people - my scene partners and my audience. On the other hand, I can see how it would get hard to take after a while.
I think the scene was also really hard for me because I based the character of my uncle on one of my real uncles, and I had a picture of him sitting on the table in our apartment. And I know this uncle. He is wonderful and smart and supportive and caring and will help his family through anything if they need it. I could see him actually taking care of me when my parents were killed, if something like that were to happen. So for her to be accusing him of that...it made it very real for me. And I can't decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Yes, it upped the stakes for me, so in that respect, it was probably a good thing. But it hurts to think of my uncle that way, so in that respect, maybe I should have cast a slightly more fictional uncle. I don't know if my choices to cast people close to my heart are good ones or bad ones. The answer is probably "yes."
What's really funny is as I was watching the other scenes in class (we went last), I started to feel really unprepared. I knew who I had cast as my uncle and who I had cast as my boyfriend and what life had been like for the last year with this woman as my roommate, but I honestly didn't know how to feel when I walked in the room or what I really wanted from her. Part of me wanted her to be the liar, part of me wanted her to not be the liar so she could still be my friend. And when it came right down to it, as I was standing in the hallway waiting while my scene partner had her release, all I could think about was how all of my girl friends in high school turned on me over something really stupid and petty and how much it hurt to not have girl friends anymore. So when I walked in to do my release, I was already hurt and angry and crying and desperately needing my friend. I am kind of proud of myself that I just let the emotion happen, based on the preparation. I think that was a good thing. The preparation fueled me, but it didn't overtake me to the point where I couldn't be present in the moment. Because all I had was the moment and what was going on in front of me. So in that respect, yay! I did good work!
I don't know. I know it wasn't real. I know it was some really great work. I still feel the need to apologize to all of my girl friends for my behavior, and I want you all to know that if you find yourself in a horrible situation like that, you can come to me and I will be supportive. I'm so sorry that I even thought those things, much less said them, even just in the context of class. I'm sorry to my scene partner for being so awful to her (even though as an actor, it could be considered a gift). I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I hurt you and I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend in the scene. In real life, I am a much better friend than that. I'm sorry.
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