Update

See, the thing is this. I'm good at this. I'm really good at this. I feel like a total bitch saying I'm good at this, but I'm good at this.

My exercise in class last night felt really weird. The character was very close to where I am in my own life right now - sort of one last shot to make it as an actor or she has to give it up completely. I've been feeling that way lately, in large part because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere and the rejections right now just really hurt. Really hurt. It's a question of do I keep trying even though it hurts more than I can tell you, or do I give up on my dreams which will hurt more than I can tell you so hopefully I'll feel better later on? Neither is a good choice. And the character I played last night was desperate to fix things so that she could continue to be an actor. But I don't feel like I really got to release everything in my release - I was an absolute mess over the weekend when I determined my mantra for this character is "I'm not done being an actor yet," but when I said those words in class, they just felt different. I didn't implode. I cried, but it was very soft. And then, of course, the scene was set up so I didn't know my partner very well to begin with, so I wasn't completely prepared to fall to pieces in front of him. And he's not an actor I have worked with before in class, so that added to it, too - I wasn't sure how far I could push him or how far he was going to push me. And it didn't feel like he pushed. I felt like I did a lot of pushing and I was actually kind of rude and bitchy to him, which was as close to a release as I got in the scene, and he just took it. Agreed with me and moved on. And the whole scene was just...awkward and weird. The teacher called it compelling and thought it was really good. I just felt...weird.

After one of the later exercises, I think I figured out what felt weird about it. It was very much a talking scene. Exposition galore. And I kept trying to stop myself from asking questions in favor of making observations to try to keep our relationship present and in the moment, but it made for really strange conversation, which, given that the scene was so conversational, felt really odd. And then, I don't think I got to release in the scene. Not in any sort of big, satisfying, emotionally cathartic way, anyway, which is what I was hoping for considering how painful the prep for this exercise was. But it didn't come up. As much as I accused him of being the problem, he just took it. He didn't push my bad buttons at all. He just kept trying to be charming, but then would say something awkward and strange and I didn't trust him, but I could see he was trying and I don't know. It wasn't any sort of circumstance in which I would open up and bare my soul to this guy. I do think I gave him a couple of opportunities to call me out on my shit, but he missed them so we moved on. And on the one hand, that is disappointing and I wish I had gotten to release the way I needed to. But on the other hand, it means I went into this exercise with some sort of objective and when the circumstances changed, I went with it. I didn't try to force the scene to be something other than what it was.

I do feel a little bad because at least once, I felt like I was calling my partner out on behavior that perhaps has some roots in his past classroom performances. I apologize for that - I shouldn't be "directing" anyone on stage, and in a way, that's exactly what my character did to his. But then, as I watched some of my fellow students perform their exercises, I found myself wishing I was in the scene with them so I could do exactly that. Call them out on their shit. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but it does bring me back to the thought that maybe I would make a good teacher someday.

I talked to my teacher a little bit this week to see what it is I need to work on because as lovely as it is to be called compelling and to know that I do good work in class, I want to be able to improve on something - I need some direction. She said I need to work on trusting myself. That I know how to do this and I know what the right thing to do is and to just trust that I'll get up there and do it. I don't know that I'm there yet - obviously since I'm second guessing a scene everyone thought was lovely. But I do have a tendency to do do scenes that get deemed lovely, when I'm working with people I've worked with before or I've never been on stage with or people who are struggling in class or people who are excelling in class. The scenes I'm in usually turn out pretty well. I still miss things - opportunities - but I'm still learning. And I'm also guessing that at least some of those missed opportunities wouldn't be missed if I had a script to work with that pointed them out to me, if that makes sense. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to not miss them, but still. I think I've gotten pretty good at being emotionally free to bounce from playful to furious and back again in two seconds flat. I think I've gotten pretty good at recognizing when I'm going into my head so I can try to shift my focus back to my partner. I think I've gotten pretty good at observing my partner. I don't feel like I'm a selfish actor, though I may be a semi-defensive one. And I'm not afraid to go to the scary dark icky places. I'm just...good at this.

So now that I have that knowledge, what do I do with it?