Stillness

So I'm taking this Shakespeare monologue class and I'm loving it. The teachers are brilliant and wonderful and make it such a comfortable learning environment at the same time they push us to get to the crazy places. I love it. LOVE IT. If you are ever in need of a Shakespeare education, let me know and I'll put you in touch with these two. They are lovely.

The monologue I'm working on is by Hermione from "The Winter's Tale." She has been accused of adultery (of which she is innocent) and was thrown in prison by her husband, the King, where she gave birth to his kid which he doesn't think is his kid, so he had the baby sent out into the woods to "fend for itself" so to speak. And the monologue I'm doing is while she is on trial, he threatens her life if she is found guilty. So she basically responds with, "I'm not afraid to die because you have already taken away everything that I loved. But just know that I am innocent, and if you kill me, my kids will still know I am innocent and won't you feel silly then?" And the emotional place the teachers have been taking me to get into all of the shit that this woman has been put through is gut-wrenching (and I have to say, it's marvelous to get to sob like that once a week, especially if you have someone standing there right next to you with their hand on your back, one hand supporting your head that you have let drop forward, which is what happens in this class. Because yes, she is torn up, but she has to defend herself), but the bit I had not been paying any attention to is that this woman is the Queen. And she's standing in front of probably the whole town who are all judging her while she pleads not for her life, but for her name. As in, this is not the time or place for her to lose her shit. This is an instance when she needs to STAND AND LOOK AT THE DALEKS, so to speak. She needs the beautiful, calm fury of the Doctor punishing the Family of Blood. She needs to stay composed.

As actors, we are told that audition pieces should show a little bit of everything we can do. They are supposed to show us off. Which most of us think means including some kind of physical movement because most of us would like to show that we don't move like stick people. But here I am, working on a monologue that might be best served by standing absolutely still. So the teacher said to me, "Stillness is a choice." And it's perfect. It's beautiful in its simplicity. If I am still and calm as the Queen in my rage as I fight for my honor, I am that much more of a sympathetic character and my King is shown to be that much more of a lunatic for doing this to his wife, who still truly, truly loves him.

"Stillness is a choice."

And when I got home, I felt this kind of catharsis because in my regular life, especially in social situations, I am often still. Not because I'm not engaged, but because I am observing, or because I feel the need to balance out the craziness around me. So I felt justified in my life, almost like when I found that article about "How to Care for Your Introvert," that "made it okay" for me to be an introvert. It is okay if I am still sometimes.

I can't wait to try it again next week.