Can play...

Being an actor is weird. It's just weird. It forces you to think way too much about the stupidest little things about yourself.

I know you've all heard the stories about some 30-year old being cast as a high-schooler in something like the original "Beverly Hills, 90210." Stuff like that happens because while one might think, "They need a bunch of high school kids, so they should cast high school kids," sometimes the high school age kids who come in to audition can't act their way out of a paper bag or just aren't pretty enough to fit the aesthetic of the piece. So they look at slightly older actors who have the experience and maturity to handle the scripts, but who also still look young and pretty.

In Hollywood, young and pretty is essential. Or at the very least, it makes you marketable as an actor.

This sort of thing manifests in what actors/directors/agents refer to as an "age range." As in, you may be 36, but you could pass for anything from 23-45, largely depending on wardrobe, hair and make up.

I, however, find myself in a rather odd position. Physically, I am young and pretty. No, I don't have the lollipop figure that is so prized in Hollywood these days, but I have nice skin and giant eyes that don't have crow's feet or huge bags under them and healthy hair and all of that. My age range would probably be mid-twenties to mid-thirties. At least that's what I think I look like. I know a lot of people are shocked to find out I passed thirty already. A while ago.

But in the last three or four classes I have taken, my teachers have selected pieces for me to work on where my characters are in their forties or fifties. The play I'm currently in, my character is fifty-five. And last night, I was asked to read for Gertrude in "Hamlet," who I have always pictured as someone in her forties or fifties.

I don't look forty or fifty.

I'm not afraid to look forty or fifty. There is a part of me that is kind of anxious to get wrinkles and have my hair turn silver because I think I will make a gorgeous little old lady. But I'm not there yet. And I know why I'm being asked to read/perform these parts - I am a mature person who comes across as the sort who "has it together," and most 20-something type characters aren't very "put together." Directors are trying to match me with characters who fit me mentally and spiritually. And those characters are twenty years older than I actually am.

In a way, I guess I should be flattered that they think I can handle those kinds of roles. But there is a weird sort of mourning period that an actor goes through when she realizes her chance to play Ophelia or Juliet has passed and she will only ever be considered Gertrude or Lady Capulet. Granted, Lady Mac is awesome. And the character I'm playing now is awesome. And there are a lot of great roles for more mature women out there that I can look forward to playing for the rest of my life. But in a way, it makes me a little bit sad - I have the rest of my life to play Gertrude; if I'm ever going to be Ophelia, it has to be now.

And I have to wonder if it's worth it to take care of my skin and hair and all of that, to try to maintain a youthful appearance, if it's only going to confuse directors. I think a lot of them get my headshot and think, "She's cute, she could be our [insert romantic lead here]," but then when I walk in with confidence and whatever they think, "Oh, no, she's actually closer to the fading starlet, but she doesn't look old enough for it, so do we want to use her or go with someone more age appropriate?" Or something. I don't know. I've not talked to any of these directors about it, but I'm guessing it's confusing to get an actor who looks one way and performs another. So maybe I should just let myself go so I start to look older than I am, or maybe I should start acting more insecure so I can get the younger roles while I still look young enough to play them.

Or maybe I should just shut my big fat mouth and be grateful that I'm being considered for roles at all. Especially the challenging ones.