Exhaustion

So I needed to work more in class.
Done.
So I needed to work with the woman I've not worked with at all yet.
Done.
So I needed to settle something with another woman.
Done.
So I needed to fall in love.
Um...

I worked a lot today and I'm proud of that. And a couple of times, I fell totally flat on my face and even that was fantastic. I think part of what was holding me back from working was the fear that I would suck. And a couple of times when I went up today, I sucked. And the teacher still gave me feedback, still encouraged me. She didn't give up on me. She's there to help and that is amazing.

There are several things going on in my life right now that are teaching me that it is okay to ask for help, even if it is for seemingly selfish reasons. What does anyone else gain by me becoming a better performer? Unless they come see me perform, nothing. But I want to get better and this teacher, this class, my fellow students, are all helping me. Do you have any idea what a relief it is to know that I don't have to do every single fucking thing by myself?

I got angry a lot today. I was nervous and shaky and did a lot of yelling. It felt great. There is a woman in class who I haven't worked with very much, but I worked with her today and after our exercise, the class took a break, but we just hugged. For about two full minutes. Her hair smelled like fruit. And I think we both just needed that. We were so angry and hateful with each other on stage and I think in the discussion after the exercise, we realized that our anger and hatred really came from caring about one another deeply and we were able to manifest that in this wonderful, powerful hug.

I also worked with the woman I've not worked with at all yet, twice. I jumped in on her in the warm ups, and I called her up into exercise with me and it was great. I think she had some break-through moments, too, in dealing with her own darkness. I saw it and I called her out on it and she loved it.

And during the break, a man who I like to work with very much showed up, and when he got up to do an exercise, he called me up. I love it that he loves to work with me. And as part of the exercise, I was supposed to confess to a horrible thing I have done to him (fictional) and then we start the scene, both of us with this knowledge. I told him I punched his mom and broke her nose (which I have never done as I have never met his mom, nor have I ever punched someone in the face). And we had this beautiful exercise. The words "I love you" were used. I know I need to fall in love at some point in class, though I think I started the scene in love, I didn't fall during the exercise, if that makes any sense. The teacher said it looked like we were a married couple who had been together for a long time. It was wonderful to care that deeply, and to know that even though I punched his mom, he would eventually forgive me. I don't know if it was what the teacher had in mind when she told me I need to fall in love (or she'd like to see me fall in love), but there was a lot of love in that exercise, amidst all of the anger and hurt.

And I wonder about me and love. I have so many people in my life who I have known and loved forever. I have so many people in my life who would probably end up forgiving me if I punched their moms. We have a comfort with each other, and a deep, deep caring for one another. We have an old love. A true, deep, comfortable, old love. Like my friend who sent me a text message during class (that I got afterward) asking if I had plans for tonight. I just spent two and a half hours screaming at people and pretending I had slept with boyfriends and punched people and wanting to get beaten up because Lord knows I deserved it, and my friend wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. This class makes you explore the deepest, darkest, scariest corners of your own existence, and I still have people in my life who love me. Even with all of those deep, dark, scary corners. Maybe because of them. I got that text message and I laugh/cried in my car for about ten minutes, wishing that I could have that kind of release in exercise, too. And I wonder if when I said before that I don't know if I've been in love, if I might have to revise that statement. It's interesting to me that I didn't fall in love on stage - there was no giggly, tingly, early stages of falling in love part - I just started out in love. When I ventured into the loving part of my being, it was this old, all-encompassing, comfortable, accepting love. And maybe that's what me in love looks like. I don't do the giddy girly crap. I dive right in to accepting someone exactly as they are.

Maybe.

So all in all, a great class. A great class. I worked a lot. I loved. I hated. I yelled. I laughed. I fell flat on my face, and I just kept on going.

And now I'm really tired. And looking forward to the next class to see what is going to happen next.