Next Step

Well, we got the kiss out of the way and it was wonderful and beautiful and exactly what I needed, but in a way I wasn't sure I needed it and then, of course, I fucked it up. I need to learn how to release effectively. I need to learn how to cry.

I'm not sure exactly how fair it is to try to judge my exercise in class today. In a lot of ways, I had an amazing class simply because I went and I participated. See, I fainted last night. No idea why. But it's really unsettling, to the point where I'm not sure if my head is still in an "I might pass out again" place or a really disappointed in myself and confused and sad place. I count on myself for everything. EVERYTHING. All the time. No matter how many times I've been let down by other people in my life, no matter the scale of the disappointment, I've always been able to count on me. So what does that leave me with when suddenly, I can't trust my own body anymore? It's frightening. And I know it was an isolated incident, but I'm not sure what caused it so I'm not sure how to prevent it from happening again. And I know I'm being overly dramatic, but see how you feel when one second you're taking out your contact lenses and the next, you wake up lying on the floor and you have no idea how you got there or how long you've been there, but the objects around you sure make it look like it wasn't a very pleasant trip down. It's unsettling. So today, I am unsettled. And I was unsettled in class. The minute I got there, I knew I wanted to leave. I kept getting the chills and I have that sinus-type pressure in my temples and I wondered if I would be able to sit there in class for two and a half hours without bolting to the ladies' room to vomit. But I stayed. And I observed. And finally, I got up to get into exercise. And the women I was working with just weren't getting it. They weren't getting me. And then this guy came up and he saw what was going on. And he was there for me. Completely there. And it manifested in a nervous crying laughter and culminated in a very sweet, very tender kiss that was (I think) more sexual for him than it was for me, and then he was offended that it wasn't more sexual and I still needed to cry but I was worried that he was now disappointed so I didn't go there. I had three chances to go there and I couldn't quite get there.

I need to get past the self-consciousness. I need to stop protecting my scene partner's feelings. And I need to ask the question, is it okay when an exercise focuses primarily on me? He was reading me and he was there for me, and I wanted to let him be, but I also wanted to read him and be there for him, which probably stopped me from having the release he and I were both looking for. I think I just answered by own question.

In any case, I left early because I don't trust my own body right now. I need to make peace there. And I feel much better now that I'm home and I don't have to leave here until 7am Monday morning if I don't want to. I like that kind of freedom.