Your Misfortune

When your faith in life is gone, come and speak to me
When you're down and all messed up, seek my sympathy

When everybody says no, no, no
Well it's your misfortune and none of my own
Wrong wrong wrong
Well it’s your misfortune that sweetens my song

I can be the friend you want
I can be your confidante
I can be the right reminder at the right time
Throwing out the lifeline

Stand in the light, stand in the light, stand in the light
Stand in the light, stand in the light, stand in the light

When your face is caked with mud, come and speak to me
When the chill creeps in your blood, seek my sympathy

When everybody says no, no, no
Well it's your misfortune and none of my own
Wrong wrong wrong
Well it’s your misfortune that sweetens my song

I can be the air you drink
Every single thought you think
I can be the right notion in the meantime
Warm you like the sunshine

Stand in the light, stand in the light, stand in the light
Stand in the light, stand in the light, stand in the light

It's a Mike Doughty song and when I saw him play it in concert a couple of weeks ago, it made me cry. Since the first time I heard it, I have sort of fantasized about having someone say those things to me. Finding my confidante. Which is maybe an unfair thing of me to say because I have wonderful friends and a wonderful family and they will always be there for me if I need something. But I was reminded again in class today that I am alone and hard and proud and strong and that none of those are really good things and I need to cry now and as much as my family and best friends might want to be there for me for that, this isn't something they can fix. Which, again, sounds horrible of me. My family loves me because that is what families do. I need some sort of indication from the outside world, from society in general, that I'm not a total freak show mess who is beyond hope. I need someone to recognize that I should be standing in the light instead of cowering in the dark. I need someone to accept me.

I was really hard in my exercise today. I was angry and just wanted him out of there and it never occurred to me that if I sat down and cried, he might leave. Walking away felt like it would have been me disengaging (which is boring in the exercise) or dismissing him and I was in no place to dismiss him (emotionally). The teacher did call him out on not being vulnerable in the scene, and maybe if he had been, I would have been able to more readily go to the place of defeat, but either way, it never occurred to me to walk away.

I feel like I am strong because I have to be. And I feel like I've had to be strong for such a long time that I'm not sure I know how to be anything else. And I'm afraid that that has alienated me.

Last night, I again found myself wanting a boyfriend/life partner type person. And I know that every time I express that desire, people tell me to just hang in there. Thank you. I do appreciate the support and I appreciate the fact that technically, I am not alone because I have my friends and I have my family. But I have a question. What is the longest period of time (not counting birth to your first date) that you have been single? Really single. No prospects, no fuck buddies, no ex who's still messing with your head by calling you up to hang out. What is the longest period of time that you have been without that intimate physical and emotional bond with someone?

I went on my first date when I was fourteen - I asked a classmate to the Turnabout dance. The following year, he asked me to Homecoming and I then asked him again to Turnabout. I think at one point, we went on a double date for Valentine's Day, but the other woman in the couple was rather uncomfortable and I think she and I spent more time chatting with each other and giggling than paying attention to the boys. Since that time, I have dated men for 1-3 months about every 18-24 months. I did have a little "thing on the side" for about a year, though I don't know what it was on the side of since neither of us was really dating anyone else and when he started seeing someone, we stopped. But that's it. That is my dating history. If you average that all together (let's say 2 months out of every 21 from the age of 14 to 32 (18 years is 216 months, divided by 21 is about 10 times 2 is about 20 and a half months plus the one year weirdness thing) I have "dated" for about 32 and a half months of my life. In the past eighteen years, I have been single for over fifteen of them. Fifteen. Not fifteen consecutive years, mind you, but when the bits of time are only broken up by 1-3 months, well, let's just say I spend a lot of friggin' time being single. I spend a lot of time wanting men from afar who I can't have or I don't know how to talk to or who I have told that I want them but they don't want me. I spend time fantasizing about movie stars and musicians (bald and Irish, though not necessarily both in the same guy, though sometimes yes) who would write songs like "Your Misfortune" for me and sing them to me and just hold me when I'm angry or scared or upset or broken. And the reality of the situation is, I come home to my cat and write blogs about it and try to make myself strong again so that I can go hang out with my friends and not be consumed by the fear that I am completely abnormal because I have spent 92% of my life NOT in a relationship with someone.

And this has just shown all of you how sad and afraid and desperate I really am. Why can't I do this in class?

I needed a hug after class. I needed someone to hold me and maybe even let me cry. And I know that if I asked someone, they would have hugged me. But I don't know how to ask for that. So I got in my car, listened to "Your Misfortune" the whole way home, came home to my cat and sat down to blog about it. So I can get past it and make myself strong enough to go out and have fun on Halloween.

Happy Halloween, everybody.