Evaluations

We didn't have class on Saturday, we had evaluations. On the one hand, I got a really good evaluation. I am imaginative, I have a good sense of dramatic structure, I'm not afraid of conflict, I'm engaging to watch. All excellent things. I'm left not knowing what to build on, though. Not knowing what direction to go in except forward. We must go forward, not backward, up, not forward, and twirling, always twirling toward the future. I like the twirling bit. I think I still need to work on being soft and falling in love more, or easier. I did have a moment in an audition where I was paired with a guy I'd never worked with before and we were doing some improv that was very much like class and I was vulnerable with him. I needed him. I kissed him. And what was great about it was that he just went with it, so he gets a lot of credit for that. If either of us gets something as a result of that audition, I think we both get credit for it. But my point is, I know now that I can get there. I just want to explore that a little bit more.

One interesting thing that one of the teachers said was that I'm not afraid of confrontation, and I seem to relish showing off my dark side. On stage, that is very true. More and more, lately, I've started to realize that one of my biggest goals as a performer is to be described as "fearless." Not necessarily in the "jumping off of buildings" sense of the word, but in the "willing to play the blackmail artist who just wants this one last score so she can leave the country with her boyfriend and forget about the gross Texan men she had to scam and the fact that he thought this last woman he had to sleep with to get money out of her was good" sense of the word. If I can't be the person in my ordinary, everyday life who takes emotional risks, I want to be that person on stage. And if I become this fearless performer, what kinds of roles will I get? Scum bags? Prostitutes? Liars and cheats? Maybe pursuing a career as a villain is a viable option. And how funny would that be if I came to one day make a living by playing the bad guy all of the time? I think it would be funny. And probably a lot of fun. I'd get to die a lot and get beat up and thrown in jail and I'd probably get to yell a bunch.

I'm not saying I only want to play the bad guy from here on out, but those are roles I never would have thought to put myself in. What if I just open up my mind and consider trying it? I remember when I played Francis in "Five Women Wearing the Same Dress" and the audience applauded when I got kicked out of the room. They saw me as the bad guy. They didn't like me. It was my first exposure to being not-the-good-guy and it was weird. It made me want to try that much harder to win them over later, which was probably a really good character building exercise for me as a person and as a performer. Anyway.

The next session of classes starts in a couple of weeks. I have a few more auditions between now and then, so we'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to the next session of classes and to learning and growing more as an artist. I had a really good artist weekend this weekend and I'd kind of like to make those a habit.