Salve for Your Broken Heart

So last night was the last class of this session. There is one more day, but it is evaluations so nobody will be working. I hadn't worked (as you know) in quite some time - not really since before the new year, save a two minute scene last week when not enough people were prepared with activities to fill a class so we did some regular neighbor work. And I was rusty. RUSTY. My prep as a neighbor was not good, so the teacher helped me up the stakes on it and make it more vulnerable, but I don't think I got fully behind the new stakes in my twenty seconds behind the door. And my scene partner was crazy woman who wouldn't listen to anything I was saying, and I wasn't listening to anything she was saying and she pelted me with a doughnut, so I pelted her with one and then I was pissed that I had non-vegan doughnut glaze all over my hand, so I wiped it on her shirt and she (as an actress) had an audition after class that she had to go to with doughnut glaze on her shirt and I felt like such an asshole. So to that classmate, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hope your audition went well and I hope the doughnut washes out of your shirt. I'm so sorry.

The teacher didn't have a lot to say to me after the exercise, which was disappointing. I was standing there feeling like absolute shit and all she really said was that I can do the crazy landlady thing. Maybe she saw a bigger investment in my circumstances than I felt? But I felt like crap about my performance and I wanted to be reemed for that and I wasn't, which means I spent most of the rest of the class sitting there feeling like shit. This is not the note on which I wanted to end the class. For the most part, I think I did pretty well in the class. It still irritates me that I have problems making the soft choices and/or being in love, but for the most part, I think I did pretty well in the class. It just sucks that my last exercise had to be one wherein I felt like I was half-assing the whole thing. I don't like to half-ass things and I'm annoyed with myself that I did it. And that I didn't get busted for it. I even said that I find myself getting into this pattern where I want my dialogue to be interesting, but then I catch myself and force myself back into observational repetition. She said it was a good thing that I can get back to observation and that some of my best moments last night were when I did that. I feel like it takes me out of things, though. Or maybe I'm overanalyzing it. Maybe it's a good thing that I recognize when I'm going into my head and that I've found a mechanism for coping with that, even if the coping mechanism is a head choice designed to force me back out of my head. I don't know. I feel like crap about my exercise last night. My scene partner and I both apologized profusely to each other for general suckage. Which is too bad, because I really enjoy working with this woman and I really enjoyed her set up and I think she is fantastically talented and then I went up there and gave her crap to work with. I'm sorry. We'll be better next time.

The teacher said something about one of the exercises last night, encouraging someone to go for the not-so-obvious choice, or the scary choice, to take risks. She said something along the lines of, "If it doesn't fit in the box, you should grab it." I thought to myself, "I don't fit in the box. Someone should grab me." And then, "Perhaps it is because I don't fit in the box that people don't grab me." And I'm not just talking romantically here, though it is an appropriate metaphor. I think it applies to my artistic career, too. I wrote a couple of weeks ago about how I've played so many diverse roles that sometimes it feels like people don't know what to do with me. I don't fit in the box, so they don't know how to cast me. I'm a pretty little white girl, but I'm strong and intelligent and quirky in a way that cute little white girls normally aren't. And I'm older than I look, too, both chronologically and spiritually. And musically - as much as I want to call my music rock and roll, it's really some rock/alternative/folk/acoustic combo thing that is maybe best described as the love child of early Liz Phair, Danny Elfman, and the Foo Fighters or something like that. It doesn't fit in a box. And as much as labels think they want to find the next great thing, it's scary to take a chance on something that is not easily quantified.

That being said, I don't want to fit in the box. I'm very happy not fitting in the box. I don't want to create the same art as everyone else. I like being odd. I just hope it doesn't hamper my artistic career too much. But if it does, it will just make it that much sweeter when I actually get there.

After class, I met with one of my classmates to work on monologues. We both have a couple of big auditions coming up and thought another set of eyes on our pieces would be a good thing. And it was. I met with another coach last week and the week before and once over the summer and it was great - he was incredibly helpful. But it is nice to get a second opinion, too. And it's nice to have someone to focus on, just to try it, so that you can have a nice mental picture in your head when you go in there and have to do your monologue to some point on the back wall of the auditorium. But it felt good. My classmate's comments were really helpful, so thank you, classmate, for your comments. And it felt a little odd to be coaching him, too. He is very talented. VERY talented. And much further along in his career than I am, so it felt a little odd to be commenting on his performances. But I think it was also a good thing for me to get a little practice coaching someone. To try to find those moments that could be stronger or clearer, and help the person get there without saying, "Well, that was a mess." Practice with constructive criticism and encouragement techniques. I think I did okay. He seemed to listen to what I said and at least took it in to consider it. Whether or not he keeps it and uses it is entirely up to him, but I'd like to think that I at least gave him something to think about. I think that is what a good coach does.

So anyway. Evaluations on Saturday at which point I'll know whether or not I get to move on to the next class. I hope so. I like doing this. I love learning. I love doing this, specifically. And I apologize to my one classmate for sucking and getting doughnut glaze all over you, and I thank my other classmate for your feedback on my audition pieces. Here's to Saturday!