Ick

I just felt icky after last night's class. In my scene, I was stuck between a gross place and an even grosser place - do I stay with the uber creepy guy or the violent guy? Disclaimer: I was in no physical danger in the scene at any point. Not even close. We just had this really off-the-wall set-up for our improv scene that just left me feeling icky. And the fun part is, it was based on an actual play. Which we knew going in, but I didn't know what play. Now I kind of wish I didn't know which play because I don't particularly like the author. I know, I know, he's famous and everyone loves him and his stuff is classic, but I hate the female characters that he writes. Hate them. I had to play one in a scene in class in college and it still goes down as one of the worst classroom experiences I've had. If you're going to play, you should do so in class, yes? My scene partner wanted me to essentially do a caricature of this woman the way everyone else ever has played her, and I wanted to do something a little different and it was just bad. Just plain bad. And I really didn't like that teacher very much, either, so I'm kind of soured on this particular author. Which may be why I just ended up feeling icky last night.

I don't think it was bad work that I did last night. But I wasn't the character as she is written in the play. Which makes sense, as I didn't know what play the scene was based on. The teacher told me I have to reach about ten levels lower on the despair ladder to get where this character needs to be and the funny thing is, in my prep, I was there. But then I walked in and my partner was all kinds of creepy and I just got defensive. So of course I go home and beat myself up for not nailing the character, even though I didn't know who she was supposed to be. I got a lot of things right - all she really has is her sexuality, so my costuming choices were right. But I hadn't lost all hope or all respect for myself. Which may be the fundamental difference between myself and the female characters written by this particular author. I don't know. I'm getting a copy of the script because we are supposed to start working on the scene for our final class, so we'll see what she's really like.

I think it could be really good for me to play the type of character I don't normally get to play.

I think also, that in my real life right now, I am trying so hard to find the positives and keep myself sane and find some sort of belief in myself that I just couldn't lose all of that on stage last night. I'm feeling a little better, though still antsy, and I'm making the plans that I can make, not knowing what's going on. And I have to do those things. If I just let myself be lost and disgruntled and sad, I scare the crap out of my family and friends. Myself sometimes, too. But I'm holding it together at the moment and it's possible that it was just too hard for me to let it all unravel last night, particularly with my uber creepy partner like that.

Here's hoping I get a present soon so I can either hit bottom and know what that's like so I can put it on stage, or so I can regain some faith in myself so I know it's okay to hit bottom on stage. I know that makes no sense to you and that's okay. It makes perfect sense to me.