Last Class

So tonight is the last class of this session and I'm nervous about it but I also really don't care. Which is a horrible horrible horrible thing to say because it's not true. I do care. I want to go in there and do well. There are 11 people in the class and the last exercise is paired-up partner work, so I get to do two scenes and I'm thrilled that I get to do two scenes and I'm thrilled that I get to do two so very different scenes and I love my scene partners and I don't want to go in there and let them down.

That being said, since the time that this session of classes started to now, I have watched the efforts of the past year sort of go up in smoke. That's hard to take. When you pour your heart and soul into something and find out it's just not enough, that hurts. It hurts enough to inspire a person to rethink his or her goals and try to reevaluate how to get there, if she still wants to get there. And it can sour a person on the whole "being an artist" thing.

I will always be an artist. I will always come up with ideas for songs and projects and I will always love performing. The question is, do I still need to be an artist outside of my own home, or could I be happy living the 9 to 5 lifestyle, creating stuff that nobody else ever sees or hears or experiences? The answer is, I don't know.

The frustrating part is that I am a good actor. I'm doing well in these classes. My classmates like working with me. My classmates like watching me. My teachers have some really wonderful things to say about my work. Which means that there are about fifteen people who know I'm really good at this and who would encourage me to continue to pursue my dreams. Outside of that circle of fifteen people, I can't get anyone to give me the time of day at the moment. I know some people who would be in a position to help me and I have asked in the past and nothing really has come of it. I know people who could help my music career, too, but I somehow can't get them to spend three minutes listening to a song. The greatest skill that I lack as a performer is the ability to network. I'm horrible at it. I hate the inane getting-to-know-you chit-chat. I hate coming off as an opportunist. I hate being constantly sized-up. I'm horrible at tooting my own horn. And if I am going to go anywhere in my career as an artist, that is exactly what I am going to have to do. The question is, in the face of my recent onslaught of rejections, do I have the energy, confidence, and motivation to do that all on my own? The answer is, I don't know.

So in the meantime, I'm going to my class tonight to do my two scenes and I hope they go well. If they don't, though, it's not the end of the world. This session will end either way and I still get to sit and think about whether or not I want to continue with these classes. It sounds like several of the people I enjoy working with in the class will not be continuing, which is another factor to consider.

I don't know. I honestly don't. I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point, and I hope I start to care again soon because I really do love this and I love being the girl who dreams big. But it hurts when your big dreams turn into big disappointments and sometimes, you just gotta take the time to heal. I have loved this class and I love my classmates, but I think I may need some time to heal and for that reason, I'm glad it is the last class of the session.