Emotional Depth

I have never once in my life playfully tackled a friend sitting on the couch next to me. The two or three times in my life when I have had a "boyfriend," I always felt stupid resting my head on his shoulder. And yet, both of those things have happened in class. I tackled this woman tonight. Playfully and nobody got hurt - it was a sweet moment. And later on, I hugged her. Kind of forcefully. I kind of pulled her to me instead of going to her. No, it was not a sexual thing. She was uncomfortable and I was going to comfort her come hell or high water. So I pulled her in for a hug. And then I got so angry with her for not letting me be there. I was literally screaming in her face - yet another something I (almost) never do.

And I liked it.

I like being free to make squawking noises and guffawing when someone deflects or says something stupid. I like being free to wave my arms in the air. I like being free to let a piece of string piss me off. I like being free to say what I see and to feel what I feel and to be allowed to take things personally. It makes me live truthfully. And in my normal, everyday life, I don't get to do that. Almost never.

I look at my niece, who is the most beautiful little girl in the world and I envy her. When she is happy, she smiles. When she is not, she doesn't. When she wants to suck on her arm, she sucks on her arm. It is beautiful and impulsive and even if she had language, I don't think she could explain why she does the things she does. She just does them. We all do those things as babies, and it is because of those things that we find babies so fascinating. But at some point, we learn to not pay attention to our impulses. It becomes inappropriate to stretch in public. We all learn to put on these poker faces that say, "Everything is fine and I'm not at all offended by the fact that you're mocking my entire lifestyle because you're my superior and I'm supposed to just let you." And I know why we learn those things and I know why we behave the way we do, but sometimes, it just really pisses me off that we have to.

In my first exercise tonight, I missed an impulse. I didn't act on an impulse. I felt it - I wanted to move towards my partner at one point, but I didn't. And the exercise died because of it and the teacher called me out on it (as he should have). The last time I saw the guy I have a crush on, I hugged him goodbye and I wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek, but I didn't. And the exercise died. I tried to get it back after the fact, but the exercise died. What would have happened if I had followed that impulse, just like what would have happened if I had moved towards my partner in the exercise tonight? Emotional life! Sure, either one of them may have rejected me, but it would be emotional life. It would be true and honest and I wouldn't come home feeling like crap even though the instructor said that in general, both of my exercises tonight were full of excellent work and I showed a lot of genuine emotional range. I mostly just want to cry now. And even though I'm sitting in my apartment in the dark with my cat, it feels somehow inappropriate to cry. Though I have absolutely no idea why.

This class is intense and wonderful and frightening and I wish more people could experience this and I wish I could let some of this bleed into my normal life. I kind of like being the person with impulses to go towards other people. I like being the person with emotional range. I like being physically active. I like connecting.

Maybe that's why I want to cry. I have to go back to my regularly scheduled life tomorrow.