Yes and No

I had one good exercise today, out of the four I went up for. I was a smidge behind on my impulses, but in general, it was deemed lovely. I had one exercise where I lost all emotional life. I had one exercise where both of us just kind of stopped. And I had one exercise where...I dunno. I just didn't do well.

On the positive side, I jumped up to work a bunch, without necessarily waiting for someone else to go first. I worked with both men and women. And I worked where I started things and where I joined someone already on stage. I helped one woman in class get to (in the teacher's words) the most honest place she's been so far, so I think that's good. I got better at following my impulses. I kicked a phone which was not good, but I knew it wasn't going to go far enough to hurt anyone.

But I dunno. I don't feel good about the work I'm doing in class. Maybe I'm trying too hard to connect with people or have different exercises each time or hit all of these weird mini-goals I set for myself (like working with both men and women, being the instigator and the instigatee, etc). I probably need to just relax and be. That's what this is all about. I need to get rid of my own agendas and just do the exercise and see what happens. And/or I could always talk to the instructor and see what she thinks of what I'm doing. Find out if I'm a lost cause. Find out if she thinks I need to work on the same things I think I need to work on, or if I'm missing the boat completely and need to head in another direction.

I don't think I'm the only one who is struggling in class. Though somehow, it's cute when the one girl won't (or can't) admit that she wants to climb into the guy's lap, but it's frustrating when I'm not having any impulses, if that makes any sense. Like I should be doing better. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.

And now I have about a half an hour to prep for an audition tonight. I'm using a new piece and I'm not sure how it's going to go over. I don't know that I have prepped it as much as I probably should, but my older monologues are so dusty; I really don't want to pull that crap out again. Besides, if it scares the crap out of me, I'm probably doing the right thing, right?