Maybe

So I haven't written anything about Saturday's class yet because I've been unsure about what to say.

In general, I like the class. In general, I like the people. I just have absolutely no idea how I am doing in the class. On Saturday, my first exercise was deemed good. In my second exercise, I think we had a bit of a break through on the topic of my vulnerability - I need people to like me. In my third exercise, I dunno. I felt like crap. I feel like crap a lot in class (which most people tell me is a good thing), but I also don't know that that crappy feeling is ever addressed. My partners get hurt and angry, but if I express negative emotions, I feel like they get angry and frustrated right back at me. I don't know. Maybe I need to learn to sit in the negative emotions a little better. Maybe I need to stop trying to fix things. Maybe I need to let my partners be upset when they need to be upset. Maybe I need to take down my walls and let myself show that I'm hurt when I'm hurt instead of getting defensive.

On the other hand, I seem to be really good at helping my classmates have good exercises. I'm not sure what that means, but there are several of them who have been having problems with one thing or another, but when they get up there with me, they do really well. Maybe I'm calling them out on their crap really well. Maybe I am being communicative and expressive. Maybe I'm just really easy to work with, or maybe they trust that it's safe to go there with me.

It is starting to show a little bit that some people are progressing faster than others. You start to see some of the same comments show up in exercises a day or two apart, with different people. I hope I'm one of the ones that is progressing. I think maybe what I need to do is make sure I get in on an exercise with one of the other people who is, too, and see what happens.