When your faith in life is gone, come and speak to me
When you're down and all messed up, seek my sympathy
When everybody says no, no, no
Well it's your misfortune and none of my own
Wrong wrong wrong
Well it’s your misfortune that sweetens my song
I can be the friend you want
I can be your confidante
I can be the right reminder at the right time
Throwing out the lifeline
Stand in the light, stand in the light, stand in the light
Stand in the light, stand in the light, stand in the light
When your face is caked with mud, come and speak to me
When the chill creeps in your blood, seek my sympathy
When everybody says no, no, no
Well it's your misfortune and none of my own
Wrong wrong wrong
Well it’s your misfortune that sweetens my song
I can be the air you drink
Every single thought you think
I can be the right notion in the meantime
Warm you like the sunshine
Stand in the light, stand in the light, stand in the light
Stand in the light, stand in the light, stand in the light
It's a Mike Doughty song and when I saw him play it in concert a couple of weeks ago, it made me cry. Since the first time I heard it, I have sort of fantasized about having someone say those things to me. Finding my confidante. Which is maybe an unfair thing of me to say because I have wonderful friends and a wonderful family and they will always be there for me if I need something. But I was reminded again in class today that I am alone and hard and proud and strong and that none of those are really good things and I need to cry now and as much as my family and best friends might want to be there for me for that, this isn't something they can fix. Which, again, sounds horrible of me. My family loves me because that is what families do. I need some sort of indication from the outside world, from society in general, that I'm not a total freak show mess who is beyond hope. I need someone to recognize that I should be standing in the light instead of cowering in the dark. I need someone to accept me.
I was really hard in my exercise today. I was angry and just wanted him out of there and it never occurred to me that if I sat down and cried, he might leave. Walking away felt like it would have been me disengaging (which is boring in the exercise) or dismissing him and I was in no place to dismiss him (emotionally). The teacher did call him out on not being vulnerable in the scene, and maybe if he had been, I would have been able to more readily go to the place of defeat, but either way, it never occurred to me to walk away.
I feel like I am strong because I have to be. And I feel like I've had to be strong for such a long time that I'm not sure I know how to be anything else. And I'm afraid that that has alienated me.
Last night, I again found myself wanting a boyfriend/life partner type person. And I know that every time I express that desire, people tell me to just hang in there. Thank you. I do appreciate the support and I appreciate the fact that technically, I am not alone because I have my friends and I have my family. But I have a question. What is the longest period of time (not counting birth to your first date) that you have been single? Really single. No prospects, no fuck buddies, no ex who's still messing with your head by calling you up to hang out. What is the longest period of time that you have been without that intimate physical and emotional bond with someone?
I went on my first date when I was fourteen - I asked a classmate to the Turnabout dance. The following year, he asked me to Homecoming and I then asked him again to Turnabout. I think at one point, we went on a double date for Valentine's Day, but the other woman in the couple was rather uncomfortable and I think she and I spent more time chatting with each other and giggling than paying attention to the boys. Since that time, I have dated men for 1-3 months about every 18-24 months. I did have a little "thing on the side" for about a year, though I don't know what it was on the side of since neither of us was really dating anyone else and when he started seeing someone, we stopped. But that's it. That is my dating history. If you average that all together (let's say 2 months out of every 21 from the age of 14 to 32 (18 years is 216 months, divided by 21 is about 10 times 2 is about 20 and a half months plus the one year weirdness thing) I have "dated" for about 32 and a half months of my life. In the past eighteen years, I have been single for over fifteen of them. Fifteen. Not fifteen consecutive years, mind you, but when the bits of time are only broken up by 1-3 months, well, let's just say I spend a lot of friggin' time being single. I spend a lot of time wanting men from afar who I can't have or I don't know how to talk to or who I have told that I want them but they don't want me. I spend time fantasizing about movie stars and musicians (bald and Irish, though not necessarily both in the same guy, though sometimes yes) who would write songs like "Your Misfortune" for me and sing them to me and just hold me when I'm angry or scared or upset or broken. And the reality of the situation is, I come home to my cat and write blogs about it and try to make myself strong again so that I can go hang out with my friends and not be consumed by the fear that I am completely abnormal because I have spent 92% of my life NOT in a relationship with someone.
And this has just shown all of you how sad and afraid and desperate I really am. Why can't I do this in class?
I needed a hug after class. I needed someone to hold me and maybe even let me cry. And I know that if I asked someone, they would have hugged me. But I don't know how to ask for that. So I got in my car, listened to "Your Misfortune" the whole way home, came home to my cat and sat down to blog about it. So I can get past it and make myself strong enough to go out and have fun on Halloween.
Happy Halloween, everybody.
31 October 2009
24 October 2009
Exhaustion
So I needed to work more in class.
Done.
So I needed to work with the woman I've not worked with at all yet.
Done.
So I needed to settle something with another woman.
Done.
So I needed to fall in love.
Um...
I worked a lot today and I'm proud of that. And a couple of times, I fell totally flat on my face and even that was fantastic. I think part of what was holding me back from working was the fear that I would suck. And a couple of times when I went up today, I sucked. And the teacher still gave me feedback, still encouraged me. She didn't give up on me. She's there to help and that is amazing.
There are several things going on in my life right now that are teaching me that it is okay to ask for help, even if it is for seemingly selfish reasons. What does anyone else gain by me becoming a better performer? Unless they come see me perform, nothing. But I want to get better and this teacher, this class, my fellow students, are all helping me. Do you have any idea what a relief it is to know that I don't have to do every single fucking thing by myself?
I got angry a lot today. I was nervous and shaky and did a lot of yelling. It felt great. There is a woman in class who I haven't worked with very much, but I worked with her today and after our exercise, the class took a break, but we just hugged. For about two full minutes. Her hair smelled like fruit. And I think we both just needed that. We were so angry and hateful with each other on stage and I think in the discussion after the exercise, we realized that our anger and hatred really came from caring about one another deeply and we were able to manifest that in this wonderful, powerful hug.
I also worked with the woman I've not worked with at all yet, twice. I jumped in on her in the warm ups, and I called her up into exercise with me and it was great. I think she had some break-through moments, too, in dealing with her own darkness. I saw it and I called her out on it and she loved it.
And during the break, a man who I like to work with very much showed up, and when he got up to do an exercise, he called me up. I love it that he loves to work with me. And as part of the exercise, I was supposed to confess to a horrible thing I have done to him (fictional) and then we start the scene, both of us with this knowledge. I told him I punched his mom and broke her nose (which I have never done as I have never met his mom, nor have I ever punched someone in the face). And we had this beautiful exercise. The words "I love you" were used. I know I need to fall in love at some point in class, though I think I started the scene in love, I didn't fall during the exercise, if that makes any sense. The teacher said it looked like we were a married couple who had been together for a long time. It was wonderful to care that deeply, and to know that even though I punched his mom, he would eventually forgive me. I don't know if it was what the teacher had in mind when she told me I need to fall in love (or she'd like to see me fall in love), but there was a lot of love in that exercise, amidst all of the anger and hurt.
And I wonder about me and love. I have so many people in my life who I have known and loved forever. I have so many people in my life who would probably end up forgiving me if I punched their moms. We have a comfort with each other, and a deep, deep caring for one another. We have an old love. A true, deep, comfortable, old love. Like my friend who sent me a text message during class (that I got afterward) asking if I had plans for tonight. I just spent two and a half hours screaming at people and pretending I had slept with boyfriends and punched people and wanting to get beaten up because Lord knows I deserved it, and my friend wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. This class makes you explore the deepest, darkest, scariest corners of your own existence, and I still have people in my life who love me. Even with all of those deep, dark, scary corners. Maybe because of them. I got that text message and I laugh/cried in my car for about ten minutes, wishing that I could have that kind of release in exercise, too. And I wonder if when I said before that I don't know if I've been in love, if I might have to revise that statement. It's interesting to me that I didn't fall in love on stage - there was no giggly, tingly, early stages of falling in love part - I just started out in love. When I ventured into the loving part of my being, it was this old, all-encompassing, comfortable, accepting love. And maybe that's what me in love looks like. I don't do the giddy girly crap. I dive right in to accepting someone exactly as they are.
Maybe.
So all in all, a great class. A great class. I worked a lot. I loved. I hated. I yelled. I laughed. I fell flat on my face, and I just kept on going.
And now I'm really tired. And looking forward to the next class to see what is going to happen next.
Done.
So I needed to work with the woman I've not worked with at all yet.
Done.
So I needed to settle something with another woman.
Done.
So I needed to fall in love.
Um...
I worked a lot today and I'm proud of that. And a couple of times, I fell totally flat on my face and even that was fantastic. I think part of what was holding me back from working was the fear that I would suck. And a couple of times when I went up today, I sucked. And the teacher still gave me feedback, still encouraged me. She didn't give up on me. She's there to help and that is amazing.
There are several things going on in my life right now that are teaching me that it is okay to ask for help, even if it is for seemingly selfish reasons. What does anyone else gain by me becoming a better performer? Unless they come see me perform, nothing. But I want to get better and this teacher, this class, my fellow students, are all helping me. Do you have any idea what a relief it is to know that I don't have to do every single fucking thing by myself?
I got angry a lot today. I was nervous and shaky and did a lot of yelling. It felt great. There is a woman in class who I haven't worked with very much, but I worked with her today and after our exercise, the class took a break, but we just hugged. For about two full minutes. Her hair smelled like fruit. And I think we both just needed that. We were so angry and hateful with each other on stage and I think in the discussion after the exercise, we realized that our anger and hatred really came from caring about one another deeply and we were able to manifest that in this wonderful, powerful hug.
I also worked with the woman I've not worked with at all yet, twice. I jumped in on her in the warm ups, and I called her up into exercise with me and it was great. I think she had some break-through moments, too, in dealing with her own darkness. I saw it and I called her out on it and she loved it.
And during the break, a man who I like to work with very much showed up, and when he got up to do an exercise, he called me up. I love it that he loves to work with me. And as part of the exercise, I was supposed to confess to a horrible thing I have done to him (fictional) and then we start the scene, both of us with this knowledge. I told him I punched his mom and broke her nose (which I have never done as I have never met his mom, nor have I ever punched someone in the face). And we had this beautiful exercise. The words "I love you" were used. I know I need to fall in love at some point in class, though I think I started the scene in love, I didn't fall during the exercise, if that makes any sense. The teacher said it looked like we were a married couple who had been together for a long time. It was wonderful to care that deeply, and to know that even though I punched his mom, he would eventually forgive me. I don't know if it was what the teacher had in mind when she told me I need to fall in love (or she'd like to see me fall in love), but there was a lot of love in that exercise, amidst all of the anger and hurt.
And I wonder about me and love. I have so many people in my life who I have known and loved forever. I have so many people in my life who would probably end up forgiving me if I punched their moms. We have a comfort with each other, and a deep, deep caring for one another. We have an old love. A true, deep, comfortable, old love. Like my friend who sent me a text message during class (that I got afterward) asking if I had plans for tonight. I just spent two and a half hours screaming at people and pretending I had slept with boyfriends and punched people and wanting to get beaten up because Lord knows I deserved it, and my friend wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. This class makes you explore the deepest, darkest, scariest corners of your own existence, and I still have people in my life who love me. Even with all of those deep, dark, scary corners. Maybe because of them. I got that text message and I laugh/cried in my car for about ten minutes, wishing that I could have that kind of release in exercise, too. And I wonder if when I said before that I don't know if I've been in love, if I might have to revise that statement. It's interesting to me that I didn't fall in love on stage - there was no giggly, tingly, early stages of falling in love part - I just started out in love. When I ventured into the loving part of my being, it was this old, all-encompassing, comfortable, accepting love. And maybe that's what me in love looks like. I don't do the giddy girly crap. I dive right in to accepting someone exactly as they are.
Maybe.
So all in all, a great class. A great class. I worked a lot. I loved. I hated. I yelled. I laughed. I fell flat on my face, and I just kept on going.
And now I'm really tired. And looking forward to the next class to see what is going to happen next.
21 October 2009
Love
I need to fall in love.
We had evaluations tonight. I don't know how well I evaluated myself, but the teachers said I'm doing okay. I've had some strong classes lately and I am definitely ready for the next class. Very good news for me, and I'm really excited to be able to take the next class and work on the next step. But in the three classes that remain, I need to work more (which I knew - I've been sitting there watching a lot and on Saturday, I pushed myself to work more and that was a good thing. I just need to continue on that path) and I need to fall in love. I need to explore the softer feelings.
Which, of course, I thought about the entire way home. It's true not only in class, but in my real life, too, which is why it's such a scary proposition. I thought about my dating/crush history and I'm not sure I know what me in love looks like. I loved a drug addict for many years (who told me ten years later that he is gay) who spent about five or six years playing with me, teasing me, not giving me what I wanted or needed but getting pissy when I tried to get it from someone else. I felt like I was in love, but that was not a healthy love, nor a reciprocated one. I currently have a ginormous crush on a man who lives a bajillion miles away and who is not romantically interested in me, but I compare every man I meet to this guy and get bored if they don't measure up. The most recent guy I dated who I thought I might fall in love with didn't even have the guts to dump me when he found another woman. He waited for me to dump him in a text message and I found out that the woman he left me for was someone I knew and it was a totally lateral move. She's a great woman, but so am I. I've dated men before who have told me that they loved me, and I think I've said it back a time or two, but I think those feelings were more "I care about you and what happens to you" kind of feelings as opposed to "I want to build a life with you" kind of feelings. I loved them like I love the rest of my friends or my family; not in a lose-control-can't-stand-to-be-without-them way. I don't know that I've ever felt that, especially not in any sort of healthy setting. I don't know if I've truly been in love, so I don't know what that would look like on stage. I don't know how to get there.
I think I know what classmate I could try to go there with, even though in the grand scheme of things it would be completely inappropriate. This classmate was actually a character in a rather inappropriate dream I had while napping this afternoon. I think I kept chocolate in my kitchen junk drawer in this particular dream, too. Anyway. I wonder if I hold myself back from going there in class because so many of my classmates are in relationships and I feel really weird foisting myself on someone in exercise in class who is in a relationship. That's a boundary I'm not comfortable with. But it might be necessary for my growth as an actor. And that statement makes me sound like a horrible person. Of course, there is always the possibility that I'll make a move and get rejected, which could also be beautiful.
In either case, I need to figure out a way to go there. I need to fall in love. Both in exercise and in real life. Hopefully with different people in each setting.
We had evaluations tonight. I don't know how well I evaluated myself, but the teachers said I'm doing okay. I've had some strong classes lately and I am definitely ready for the next class. Very good news for me, and I'm really excited to be able to take the next class and work on the next step. But in the three classes that remain, I need to work more (which I knew - I've been sitting there watching a lot and on Saturday, I pushed myself to work more and that was a good thing. I just need to continue on that path) and I need to fall in love. I need to explore the softer feelings.
Which, of course, I thought about the entire way home. It's true not only in class, but in my real life, too, which is why it's such a scary proposition. I thought about my dating/crush history and I'm not sure I know what me in love looks like. I loved a drug addict for many years (who told me ten years later that he is gay) who spent about five or six years playing with me, teasing me, not giving me what I wanted or needed but getting pissy when I tried to get it from someone else. I felt like I was in love, but that was not a healthy love, nor a reciprocated one. I currently have a ginormous crush on a man who lives a bajillion miles away and who is not romantically interested in me, but I compare every man I meet to this guy and get bored if they don't measure up. The most recent guy I dated who I thought I might fall in love with didn't even have the guts to dump me when he found another woman. He waited for me to dump him in a text message and I found out that the woman he left me for was someone I knew and it was a totally lateral move. She's a great woman, but so am I. I've dated men before who have told me that they loved me, and I think I've said it back a time or two, but I think those feelings were more "I care about you and what happens to you" kind of feelings as opposed to "I want to build a life with you" kind of feelings. I loved them like I love the rest of my friends or my family; not in a lose-control-can't-stand-to-be-without-them way. I don't know that I've ever felt that, especially not in any sort of healthy setting. I don't know if I've truly been in love, so I don't know what that would look like on stage. I don't know how to get there.
I think I know what classmate I could try to go there with, even though in the grand scheme of things it would be completely inappropriate. This classmate was actually a character in a rather inappropriate dream I had while napping this afternoon. I think I kept chocolate in my kitchen junk drawer in this particular dream, too. Anyway. I wonder if I hold myself back from going there in class because so many of my classmates are in relationships and I feel really weird foisting myself on someone in exercise in class who is in a relationship. That's a boundary I'm not comfortable with. But it might be necessary for my growth as an actor. And that statement makes me sound like a horrible person. Of course, there is always the possibility that I'll make a move and get rejected, which could also be beautiful.
In either case, I need to figure out a way to go there. I need to fall in love. Both in exercise and in real life. Hopefully with different people in each setting.
17 October 2009
Resignation
I am a handful.
I scare people.
I am too intense for a lot of people.
I am atypical.
I am far from perfect.
But in all truth, I'm getting pretty good at this and I love that. It terrifies me on a regular basis and leaves me feeling like shit, but I love it.
I scare people.
I am too intense for a lot of people.
I am atypical.
I am far from perfect.
But in all truth, I'm getting pretty good at this and I love that. It terrifies me on a regular basis and leaves me feeling like shit, but I love it.
15 October 2009
Because I Have To
I've been putting off writing about Wednesday night's class because I know exactly what I need to say and exactly what I need to do and it scares the crap out of me. I have that knot in my stomach that could mean I need to visit the ladies' room, or I could vomit at any second. Which means it is time to write about Wednesday night's class.
It wasn't anything particularly special. I jumped in on the tag part of the night a bit more than I have in the past, which is good. I wanted to get more involved, and I took a baby step towards that. And I was called into a scene, and I called someone into the scene. When I called someone into the scene, it wasn't very good. Neither one of us was really invested. We weren't emotionally involved - neither of us was effecting the other, nor allowing the other to affect us. We just kind of were and it was bland. I don't know that it wasn't truthful, but there were no stakes. So it was bland. When I was called into the scene, I think the guy called me up hoping I would help him get to a breakthrough moment or something. And some of the stuff I called him out on might have helped to get there if he didn't get to heady about it. Which means I probably could have been more effective in my word choice in working with him.
But because of other things that happened in class that I'm not going to get into because it's not necessary, I left class the other night really really really wanting to say all of the things that I really want to say to a bunch of different people. And because of that, I have been avoiding writing this entry.
This class is therapy. But it's not supposed to be therapy. And for as much as I have railed on Heath Ledger for not being able to let it go once he was off the set, I find myself transferring things from class to my everyday life. I find myself attracted to someone while in exercise, and I leave the stage thinking about the men I am (or have been) attracted to and what I could say to them or what I should have said to them. I want to tell the one guy that I have had a crush on him ever since he walked in, sat down, and ordered himself a sandwich and a beer. There is something inherently sexy about a man who will go out alone and have a meal. And since that time, I have discovered that he is an intelligent, talented, funny man and just a good person. He is kind and thoughtful and open. Except when it comes to me, it feels like. He has missed just about every important event in my life since I met him, and I'm not just saying he wasn't physically there. He has never said happy birthday, he made no comment about the birth of my niece or the break up of my band or my falling out with my theater company or my fainting spell or any of it. And that feels like crap. But I can't really fault him because I've never told him that I have this huge crush (I've gotten close, but I've not actually said it and I have been told many times that men are just kind of dense so you can't be subtle with them and expect them to get the hint. You have to actually say what you're actually thinking or feeling) and he's just going about the everyday business of living very far away from me and we're not all that close so my life doesn't really register on his radar. There is more important stuff going on than what's going on with me and I understand that. And I wonder, if he knew, if he would pay a little more attention. Probably not. But I wonder. And I wonder if me saying something would make things weird, and I wonder if me saying anything would make me feel better or make me feel worse. I kind of think if I said something, I would then at least know one way or the other and if he's not interested, I could get over it. But I already know in my heart of hearts that he isn't and I'm still not over it, so maybe saying something would only serve to make him uncomfortable which is not really what I'm going for. Though if we were in exercise, making him uncomfortable would be great because it meant I affected him.
So to the man I've had a crush on forever, I have a crush on you. A bigger one that I would care to admit to. I know that it is completely impractical, but it's still there and it just kind of makes me wish that we were able to take a more active role in one another's lives. Because I think you're wonderful. I wish I knew you better.
And now, even without seeing/hearing/feeling his reaction, I just feel dumb, so I'm going to stop now.
It wasn't anything particularly special. I jumped in on the tag part of the night a bit more than I have in the past, which is good. I wanted to get more involved, and I took a baby step towards that. And I was called into a scene, and I called someone into the scene. When I called someone into the scene, it wasn't very good. Neither one of us was really invested. We weren't emotionally involved - neither of us was effecting the other, nor allowing the other to affect us. We just kind of were and it was bland. I don't know that it wasn't truthful, but there were no stakes. So it was bland. When I was called into the scene, I think the guy called me up hoping I would help him get to a breakthrough moment or something. And some of the stuff I called him out on might have helped to get there if he didn't get to heady about it. Which means I probably could have been more effective in my word choice in working with him.
But because of other things that happened in class that I'm not going to get into because it's not necessary, I left class the other night really really really wanting to say all of the things that I really want to say to a bunch of different people. And because of that, I have been avoiding writing this entry.
This class is therapy. But it's not supposed to be therapy. And for as much as I have railed on Heath Ledger for not being able to let it go once he was off the set, I find myself transferring things from class to my everyday life. I find myself attracted to someone while in exercise, and I leave the stage thinking about the men I am (or have been) attracted to and what I could say to them or what I should have said to them. I want to tell the one guy that I have had a crush on him ever since he walked in, sat down, and ordered himself a sandwich and a beer. There is something inherently sexy about a man who will go out alone and have a meal. And since that time, I have discovered that he is an intelligent, talented, funny man and just a good person. He is kind and thoughtful and open. Except when it comes to me, it feels like. He has missed just about every important event in my life since I met him, and I'm not just saying he wasn't physically there. He has never said happy birthday, he made no comment about the birth of my niece or the break up of my band or my falling out with my theater company or my fainting spell or any of it. And that feels like crap. But I can't really fault him because I've never told him that I have this huge crush (I've gotten close, but I've not actually said it and I have been told many times that men are just kind of dense so you can't be subtle with them and expect them to get the hint. You have to actually say what you're actually thinking or feeling) and he's just going about the everyday business of living very far away from me and we're not all that close so my life doesn't really register on his radar. There is more important stuff going on than what's going on with me and I understand that. And I wonder, if he knew, if he would pay a little more attention. Probably not. But I wonder. And I wonder if me saying something would make things weird, and I wonder if me saying anything would make me feel better or make me feel worse. I kind of think if I said something, I would then at least know one way or the other and if he's not interested, I could get over it. But I already know in my heart of hearts that he isn't and I'm still not over it, so maybe saying something would only serve to make him uncomfortable which is not really what I'm going for. Though if we were in exercise, making him uncomfortable would be great because it meant I affected him.
So to the man I've had a crush on forever, I have a crush on you. A bigger one that I would care to admit to. I know that it is completely impractical, but it's still there and it just kind of makes me wish that we were able to take a more active role in one another's lives. Because I think you're wonderful. I wish I knew you better.
And now, even without seeing/hearing/feeling his reaction, I just feel dumb, so I'm going to stop now.
10 October 2009
Next?
I had two good exercises today. The teacher said I was just "on." Yay! I followed my impulses. I showed emotional range. I did things that made no sense. And the bitch in me wants to ask, "So what's next?"
I don't mean to say I have mastered this. I haven't. I"ll probably have a couple of terrible exercises next week and all will be right with the world again. But I want feedback! I found my challenge and I want it to keep going. Keep pushing me. Make it harder, up the stakes.
It made me really happy that the guy I worked with last week ("the bully") called me up to work with him. REALLY happy. In my opinion, he's one of the best in the class, so the fact that I pushed his buttons and he liked it and wanted to work with me again...that's a good feeling. And we had another great exercise. I cried. I laughed. We kissed. I jumped. It was...I so wish real life could be like that. Where it's okay for your emotions to go all over the place, and it is equally okay for the people around you to have no idea what to do with that. I have one relationship in my life where we started it out saying that it's all okay. Anything we have to say to each other is okay and whatever reaction the other person has is okay, we just kind of have to promise not to give up on each other. And truth be told, I don't think we want to give up on each other. And it is one of the most valuable relationships I have ever had. The only problem being it's kind of a long distance thing, so we can't just pop out to get a beer together, you know? Else than that...it is so freeing to know that even when you are at your worst, someone will be there. She may disagree with you, but she's not going anywhere. She's just offering a different perspective. And when you're at your best, she's there to celebrate with you. That's what this class is. Your scene partner is in there with you for better or worse and everything that happens up there is good. Unless you disregard your impulses or physically injure them.
I love this class. I love the people in it. I love the instructors (even though they still kind of scare the crap out of me.) And I love doing this. I love it. So what's next? Bring it!
Tee hee.
I don't mean to say I have mastered this. I haven't. I"ll probably have a couple of terrible exercises next week and all will be right with the world again. But I want feedback! I found my challenge and I want it to keep going. Keep pushing me. Make it harder, up the stakes.
It made me really happy that the guy I worked with last week ("the bully") called me up to work with him. REALLY happy. In my opinion, he's one of the best in the class, so the fact that I pushed his buttons and he liked it and wanted to work with me again...that's a good feeling. And we had another great exercise. I cried. I laughed. We kissed. I jumped. It was...I so wish real life could be like that. Where it's okay for your emotions to go all over the place, and it is equally okay for the people around you to have no idea what to do with that. I have one relationship in my life where we started it out saying that it's all okay. Anything we have to say to each other is okay and whatever reaction the other person has is okay, we just kind of have to promise not to give up on each other. And truth be told, I don't think we want to give up on each other. And it is one of the most valuable relationships I have ever had. The only problem being it's kind of a long distance thing, so we can't just pop out to get a beer together, you know? Else than that...it is so freeing to know that even when you are at your worst, someone will be there. She may disagree with you, but she's not going anywhere. She's just offering a different perspective. And when you're at your best, she's there to celebrate with you. That's what this class is. Your scene partner is in there with you for better or worse and everything that happens up there is good. Unless you disregard your impulses or physically injure them.
I love this class. I love the people in it. I love the instructors (even though they still kind of scare the crap out of me.) And I love doing this. I love it. So what's next? Bring it!
Tee hee.
08 October 2009
Retrospect
You know what it was? I was bullying the bully, when, if anything, I wanted to be bullied. I don't like being a bully. I hadn't intended to be a bully, it just kind of came out that way. And I think he had gotten to this comfortable place wherein being the bully is what he does, and when he encountered someone who could maybe bully back...that's disconcerting.
I know I'm thinking about this way too much. And I know that he doesn't expect an apology from me - it was moment-to-moment classroom work and in general, it was a great exercise. He probably went home thinking about it a lot, too - he's that kind of person. But I feel bad about it. I don't like being a bully. If I find myself in that situation again, I need to let my partner know that I don't like being a bully. See if they can see it, and then see where the exercise goes from there.
I know I'm thinking about this way too much. And I know that he doesn't expect an apology from me - it was moment-to-moment classroom work and in general, it was a great exercise. He probably went home thinking about it a lot, too - he's that kind of person. But I feel bad about it. I don't like being a bully. If I find myself in that situation again, I need to let my partner know that I don't like being a bully. See if they can see it, and then see where the exercise goes from there.
07 October 2009
Masochism
I had a great exercise tonight, and I'm still beating myself up about it.
I went up once in the warm-up game of tag and it was meh. I found myself wishing I would go up more, but honestly enjoying watching my classmates work so I didn't. If anything, I think I need to work on being more assertive in my classroom participation. And by break time, I was so nervous I thought I might vomit. Which, of course, means I had to force myself to go up in the second half of class.
The second half of class was not tag - one person would go up and choose who they wanted to come up with them. The point being, you're supposed to pick someone who you think will affect you and who will be effected by you. So I chose the guy who calls everyone out on their shit. I have not worked with him yet, but he was going to jump in and call me out on my shit when I almost had my release in the last class. And he was on a roll tonight, breaking just about everyone he worked with. So I called him up in the hopes he would push my buttons, call me out, not pull any punches. And he started out reading me okay, but as soon as I started reading him, he got really uncomfortable and the rest of the exercise was the two of us butting heads. Me trying to show him it was okay to...whatever, and him being afraid to...whatever. I'm not talking sexual impulses here. I don't know if he had any; I know I didn't. I saw that he was afraid, but he wouldn't explore that with me. I saw him hold back his angry impulses in the name of not physically injuring me - he swallowed them instead and then called me names. And by the end of the exercise, he was so off-balance, he said, "You don't know me," and I had to come back with, "You won't let me know you." At which point the teacher stopped us because we were too cerebral. I think we had gotten to the point where it was a draw. He wasn't going to budge and I was out of ideas on how to make him and he wasn't paying attention to how his closed-off-edness was affecting me and I didn't know how to show him that. So in that respect, I'm glad the teacher stopped us. I think we were done. Though I can't help but wonder if I would have started crying if he had let us go a few seconds longer. I was exasperated and tired and worn down and, let's face it, sad. I could feel that the tears were there. And I was disappointed that he didn't push my buttons like I wanted him to. One observation calling him out on his shit and the rest of the exercise was all about him.
On the one hand, it was a great exercise. We were both truthful and observant and we hit our impulses. And I kept up with him, which is something I'm kind of proud of. I affected him, which I'm also kind of proud of - that's my job. But I don't know how to feel about what happened or didn't happen in the moment on stage so I come home and I'm beating myself up for...missing opportunities to be understanding instead of belligerent, or for being too cerebral. I'm sure I could have made some of my observations simpler, and therefore, more effective. One of the biggest reactions I got from him - I said he was avoiding me and he repeated it like I was crazy and making things up, but I said it because he couldn't look at me, so I screamed, "You're avoiding me, you're staring at the floor!" And he was a little bit deflated as he repeated, "I'm staring at the floor." Simple observation. Concrete. Indisputable evidence to back up my previous assertion. And he knew I had him and that bothered the shit out of him. And I probably could have gotten tender there, but I didn't. He called me out on being angry (which I was), but he thought I was nuts for being angry and I called him on that and the exercise just kept going as two people yelling at each other and hating each other and not trusting each other and being wary of one another and calling each other names and trying to protect themselves because I think secretly, we both wanted to be able to let our guards down, but we were afraid of what would happen if we did. And I'm kicking myself for not calling him out on his fear and trying to show him that it was perfectly fine to be afraid.
I think about this shit too much. Which may be why I don't go up there more - I spend too much time analyzing it afterward. When really all I need to walk away with is, "I had a great exercise tonight. I affected my partner and was effected by my partner. I should work on keeping my observations simple." Instead, I'm wondering if my classmates are going to start to see me the way they see him. And I'm not sure if I want that.
I went up once in the warm-up game of tag and it was meh. I found myself wishing I would go up more, but honestly enjoying watching my classmates work so I didn't. If anything, I think I need to work on being more assertive in my classroom participation. And by break time, I was so nervous I thought I might vomit. Which, of course, means I had to force myself to go up in the second half of class.
The second half of class was not tag - one person would go up and choose who they wanted to come up with them. The point being, you're supposed to pick someone who you think will affect you and who will be effected by you. So I chose the guy who calls everyone out on their shit. I have not worked with him yet, but he was going to jump in and call me out on my shit when I almost had my release in the last class. And he was on a roll tonight, breaking just about everyone he worked with. So I called him up in the hopes he would push my buttons, call me out, not pull any punches. And he started out reading me okay, but as soon as I started reading him, he got really uncomfortable and the rest of the exercise was the two of us butting heads. Me trying to show him it was okay to...whatever, and him being afraid to...whatever. I'm not talking sexual impulses here. I don't know if he had any; I know I didn't. I saw that he was afraid, but he wouldn't explore that with me. I saw him hold back his angry impulses in the name of not physically injuring me - he swallowed them instead and then called me names. And by the end of the exercise, he was so off-balance, he said, "You don't know me," and I had to come back with, "You won't let me know you." At which point the teacher stopped us because we were too cerebral. I think we had gotten to the point where it was a draw. He wasn't going to budge and I was out of ideas on how to make him and he wasn't paying attention to how his closed-off-edness was affecting me and I didn't know how to show him that. So in that respect, I'm glad the teacher stopped us. I think we were done. Though I can't help but wonder if I would have started crying if he had let us go a few seconds longer. I was exasperated and tired and worn down and, let's face it, sad. I could feel that the tears were there. And I was disappointed that he didn't push my buttons like I wanted him to. One observation calling him out on his shit and the rest of the exercise was all about him.
On the one hand, it was a great exercise. We were both truthful and observant and we hit our impulses. And I kept up with him, which is something I'm kind of proud of. I affected him, which I'm also kind of proud of - that's my job. But I don't know how to feel about what happened or didn't happen in the moment on stage so I come home and I'm beating myself up for...missing opportunities to be understanding instead of belligerent, or for being too cerebral. I'm sure I could have made some of my observations simpler, and therefore, more effective. One of the biggest reactions I got from him - I said he was avoiding me and he repeated it like I was crazy and making things up, but I said it because he couldn't look at me, so I screamed, "You're avoiding me, you're staring at the floor!" And he was a little bit deflated as he repeated, "I'm staring at the floor." Simple observation. Concrete. Indisputable evidence to back up my previous assertion. And he knew I had him and that bothered the shit out of him. And I probably could have gotten tender there, but I didn't. He called me out on being angry (which I was), but he thought I was nuts for being angry and I called him on that and the exercise just kept going as two people yelling at each other and hating each other and not trusting each other and being wary of one another and calling each other names and trying to protect themselves because I think secretly, we both wanted to be able to let our guards down, but we were afraid of what would happen if we did. And I'm kicking myself for not calling him out on his fear and trying to show him that it was perfectly fine to be afraid.
I think about this shit too much. Which may be why I don't go up there more - I spend too much time analyzing it afterward. When really all I need to walk away with is, "I had a great exercise tonight. I affected my partner and was effected by my partner. I should work on keeping my observations simple." Instead, I'm wondering if my classmates are going to start to see me the way they see him. And I'm not sure if I want that.
03 October 2009
Next Step
Well, we got the kiss out of the way and it was wonderful and beautiful and exactly what I needed, but in a way I wasn't sure I needed it and then, of course, I fucked it up. I need to learn how to release effectively. I need to learn how to cry.
I'm not sure exactly how fair it is to try to judge my exercise in class today. In a lot of ways, I had an amazing class simply because I went and I participated. See, I fainted last night. No idea why. But it's really unsettling, to the point where I'm not sure if my head is still in an "I might pass out again" place or a really disappointed in myself and confused and sad place. I count on myself for everything. EVERYTHING. All the time. No matter how many times I've been let down by other people in my life, no matter the scale of the disappointment, I've always been able to count on me. So what does that leave me with when suddenly, I can't trust my own body anymore? It's frightening. And I know it was an isolated incident, but I'm not sure what caused it so I'm not sure how to prevent it from happening again. And I know I'm being overly dramatic, but see how you feel when one second you're taking out your contact lenses and the next, you wake up lying on the floor and you have no idea how you got there or how long you've been there, but the objects around you sure make it look like it wasn't a very pleasant trip down. It's unsettling. So today, I am unsettled. And I was unsettled in class. The minute I got there, I knew I wanted to leave. I kept getting the chills and I have that sinus-type pressure in my temples and I wondered if I would be able to sit there in class for two and a half hours without bolting to the ladies' room to vomit. But I stayed. And I observed. And finally, I got up to get into exercise. And the women I was working with just weren't getting it. They weren't getting me. And then this guy came up and he saw what was going on. And he was there for me. Completely there. And it manifested in a nervous crying laughter and culminated in a very sweet, very tender kiss that was (I think) more sexual for him than it was for me, and then he was offended that it wasn't more sexual and I still needed to cry but I was worried that he was now disappointed so I didn't go there. I had three chances to go there and I couldn't quite get there.
I need to get past the self-consciousness. I need to stop protecting my scene partner's feelings. And I need to ask the question, is it okay when an exercise focuses primarily on me? He was reading me and he was there for me, and I wanted to let him be, but I also wanted to read him and be there for him, which probably stopped me from having the release he and I were both looking for. I think I just answered by own question.
In any case, I left early because I don't trust my own body right now. I need to make peace there. And I feel much better now that I'm home and I don't have to leave here until 7am Monday morning if I don't want to. I like that kind of freedom.
I'm not sure exactly how fair it is to try to judge my exercise in class today. In a lot of ways, I had an amazing class simply because I went and I participated. See, I fainted last night. No idea why. But it's really unsettling, to the point where I'm not sure if my head is still in an "I might pass out again" place or a really disappointed in myself and confused and sad place. I count on myself for everything. EVERYTHING. All the time. No matter how many times I've been let down by other people in my life, no matter the scale of the disappointment, I've always been able to count on me. So what does that leave me with when suddenly, I can't trust my own body anymore? It's frightening. And I know it was an isolated incident, but I'm not sure what caused it so I'm not sure how to prevent it from happening again. And I know I'm being overly dramatic, but see how you feel when one second you're taking out your contact lenses and the next, you wake up lying on the floor and you have no idea how you got there or how long you've been there, but the objects around you sure make it look like it wasn't a very pleasant trip down. It's unsettling. So today, I am unsettled. And I was unsettled in class. The minute I got there, I knew I wanted to leave. I kept getting the chills and I have that sinus-type pressure in my temples and I wondered if I would be able to sit there in class for two and a half hours without bolting to the ladies' room to vomit. But I stayed. And I observed. And finally, I got up to get into exercise. And the women I was working with just weren't getting it. They weren't getting me. And then this guy came up and he saw what was going on. And he was there for me. Completely there. And it manifested in a nervous crying laughter and culminated in a very sweet, very tender kiss that was (I think) more sexual for him than it was for me, and then he was offended that it wasn't more sexual and I still needed to cry but I was worried that he was now disappointed so I didn't go there. I had three chances to go there and I couldn't quite get there.
I need to get past the self-consciousness. I need to stop protecting my scene partner's feelings. And I need to ask the question, is it okay when an exercise focuses primarily on me? He was reading me and he was there for me, and I wanted to let him be, but I also wanted to read him and be there for him, which probably stopped me from having the release he and I were both looking for. I think I just answered by own question.
In any case, I left early because I don't trust my own body right now. I need to make peace there. And I feel much better now that I'm home and I don't have to leave here until 7am Monday morning if I don't want to. I like that kind of freedom.
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