Because I Have To

I've been putting off writing about Wednesday night's class because I know exactly what I need to say and exactly what I need to do and it scares the crap out of me. I have that knot in my stomach that could mean I need to visit the ladies' room, or I could vomit at any second. Which means it is time to write about Wednesday night's class.

It wasn't anything particularly special. I jumped in on the tag part of the night a bit more than I have in the past, which is good. I wanted to get more involved, and I took a baby step towards that. And I was called into a scene, and I called someone into the scene. When I called someone into the scene, it wasn't very good. Neither one of us was really invested. We weren't emotionally involved - neither of us was effecting the other, nor allowing the other to affect us. We just kind of were and it was bland. I don't know that it wasn't truthful, but there were no stakes. So it was bland. When I was called into the scene, I think the guy called me up hoping I would help him get to a breakthrough moment or something. And some of the stuff I called him out on might have helped to get there if he didn't get to heady about it. Which means I probably could have been more effective in my word choice in working with him.

But because of other things that happened in class that I'm not going to get into because it's not necessary, I left class the other night really really really wanting to say all of the things that I really want to say to a bunch of different people. And because of that, I have been avoiding writing this entry.

This class is therapy. But it's not supposed to be therapy. And for as much as I have railed on Heath Ledger for not being able to let it go once he was off the set, I find myself transferring things from class to my everyday life. I find myself attracted to someone while in exercise, and I leave the stage thinking about the men I am (or have been) attracted to and what I could say to them or what I should have said to them. I want to tell the one guy that I have had a crush on him ever since he walked in, sat down, and ordered himself a sandwich and a beer. There is something inherently sexy about a man who will go out alone and have a meal. And since that time, I have discovered that he is an intelligent, talented, funny man and just a good person. He is kind and thoughtful and open. Except when it comes to me, it feels like. He has missed just about every important event in my life since I met him, and I'm not just saying he wasn't physically there. He has never said happy birthday, he made no comment about the birth of my niece or the break up of my band or my falling out with my theater company or my fainting spell or any of it. And that feels like crap. But I can't really fault him because I've never told him that I have this huge crush (I've gotten close, but I've not actually said it and I have been told many times that men are just kind of dense so you can't be subtle with them and expect them to get the hint. You have to actually say what you're actually thinking or feeling) and he's just going about the everyday business of living very far away from me and we're not all that close so my life doesn't really register on his radar. There is more important stuff going on than what's going on with me and I understand that. And I wonder, if he knew, if he would pay a little more attention. Probably not. But I wonder. And I wonder if me saying something would make things weird, and I wonder if me saying anything would make me feel better or make me feel worse. I kind of think if I said something, I would then at least know one way or the other and if he's not interested, I could get over it. But I already know in my heart of hearts that he isn't and I'm still not over it, so maybe saying something would only serve to make him uncomfortable which is not really what I'm going for. Though if we were in exercise, making him uncomfortable would be great because it meant I affected him.

So to the man I've had a crush on forever, I have a crush on you. A bigger one that I would care to admit to. I know that it is completely impractical, but it's still there and it just kind of makes me wish that we were able to take a more active role in one another's lives. Because I think you're wonderful. I wish I knew you better.

And now, even without seeing/hearing/feeling his reaction, I just feel dumb, so I'm going to stop now.