Masochism

I had a great exercise tonight, and I'm still beating myself up about it.

I went up once in the warm-up game of tag and it was meh. I found myself wishing I would go up more, but honestly enjoying watching my classmates work so I didn't. If anything, I think I need to work on being more assertive in my classroom participation. And by break time, I was so nervous I thought I might vomit. Which, of course, means I had to force myself to go up in the second half of class.

The second half of class was not tag - one person would go up and choose who they wanted to come up with them. The point being, you're supposed to pick someone who you think will affect you and who will be effected by you. So I chose the guy who calls everyone out on their shit. I have not worked with him yet, but he was going to jump in and call me out on my shit when I almost had my release in the last class. And he was on a roll tonight, breaking just about everyone he worked with. So I called him up in the hopes he would push my buttons, call me out, not pull any punches. And he started out reading me okay, but as soon as I started reading him, he got really uncomfortable and the rest of the exercise was the two of us butting heads. Me trying to show him it was okay to...whatever, and him being afraid to...whatever. I'm not talking sexual impulses here. I don't know if he had any; I know I didn't. I saw that he was afraid, but he wouldn't explore that with me. I saw him hold back his angry impulses in the name of not physically injuring me - he swallowed them instead and then called me names. And by the end of the exercise, he was so off-balance, he said, "You don't know me," and I had to come back with, "You won't let me know you." At which point the teacher stopped us because we were too cerebral. I think we had gotten to the point where it was a draw. He wasn't going to budge and I was out of ideas on how to make him and he wasn't paying attention to how his closed-off-edness was affecting me and I didn't know how to show him that. So in that respect, I'm glad the teacher stopped us. I think we were done. Though I can't help but wonder if I would have started crying if he had let us go a few seconds longer. I was exasperated and tired and worn down and, let's face it, sad. I could feel that the tears were there. And I was disappointed that he didn't push my buttons like I wanted him to. One observation calling him out on his shit and the rest of the exercise was all about him.

On the one hand, it was a great exercise. We were both truthful and observant and we hit our impulses. And I kept up with him, which is something I'm kind of proud of. I affected him, which I'm also kind of proud of - that's my job. But I don't know how to feel about what happened or didn't happen in the moment on stage so I come home and I'm beating myself up for...missing opportunities to be understanding instead of belligerent, or for being too cerebral. I'm sure I could have made some of my observations simpler, and therefore, more effective. One of the biggest reactions I got from him - I said he was avoiding me and he repeated it like I was crazy and making things up, but I said it because he couldn't look at me, so I screamed, "You're avoiding me, you're staring at the floor!" And he was a little bit deflated as he repeated, "I'm staring at the floor." Simple observation. Concrete. Indisputable evidence to back up my previous assertion. And he knew I had him and that bothered the shit out of him. And I probably could have gotten tender there, but I didn't. He called me out on being angry (which I was), but he thought I was nuts for being angry and I called him on that and the exercise just kept going as two people yelling at each other and hating each other and not trusting each other and being wary of one another and calling each other names and trying to protect themselves because I think secretly, we both wanted to be able to let our guards down, but we were afraid of what would happen if we did. And I'm kicking myself for not calling him out on his fear and trying to show him that it was perfectly fine to be afraid.

I think about this shit too much. Which may be why I don't go up there more - I spend too much time analyzing it afterward. When really all I need to walk away with is, "I had a great exercise tonight. I affected my partner and was effected by my partner. I should work on keeping my observations simple." Instead, I'm wondering if my classmates are going to start to see me the way they see him. And I'm not sure if I want that.