My Vulnerability

Last night was weird. I had a lot to say about it when I got home, but somehow, I just couldn't put it into words which is why I'm writing today instead of last night.

I don't know if it was carry-over from the night before, but I felt strange and out of place last night. Out of my league. Unwelcome and uncomfortable. But I made myself get up and work anyway after a little while and I didn't last up there very long before someone jumped in and took my place. To be honest, it was a relief - I was having a hard time reading my partner. There was some interesting stuff that happened in the exercises last night. For a while, I thought that every exercise was going to turn into people making out. Fortunately, that didn't happen.

After the break, the teacher had me go up and paired me with a man - the first time I have worked with a guy in class. I don't know if that has been intentional on my part or not. When I go up to start an exercise, it is usually a woman who jumps in and when a man goes up to start one, someone else gets in there before I do. But the teacher had me work with a man. I think she wanted to test my vulnerability and my willingness or unwillingness to explore that. And within a minute of being up there, he told me that I was sexy and beautiful, and he could see that I don't like hearing that and he felt bad for me. And it's true - I don't like hearing that. I really don't like hearing that from total strangers. This is one of my issues based on the fact that my physical appearance is not the best of what I have to offer. It's not. No, I'm not hideous to look at, but when you put my physical appearance on one side of the scale, versus my wit and charm and intelligence and caring and generosity and kindness and yadda yadda yadda on the other side, the yadda yadda yadda side wins. There is a LOT more over there that outweighs my physical appearance. And I have always felt that my yadda yadda yadda side is what wins people over and attracts them to me. Granted, when people first meet me, all they have to go on is my appearance and it is kind of nice that it doesn't make them want to vomit. But here is a man looking at me very intensely, reading my everything, and the best he can come up with is that I'm sexy? That makes me uncomfortable. I'm sorry, but it does. I don't connect to that. I don't feel that. And to have it pointed out suddenly makes me acutely aware of...everything about my physical being and I as much as I like to think I am aware of my physical being and it's position in space and in relation to other people, I'm really not used to other people wanting to interact with my physical being in that sort of a way. Let's face it - I've had some bad experiences with men and intimacy. Okay, I have baggage. But why do I have to be reduced to my physical appearance? He started out so well, calling me out on my trepidation and such, but then BAM! Right for the one thing that is going to make me uncomfortable. I guess kudos to him for being able to read me so well and find my button like that. And kudos to me for, in a very small way, letting him. He hugged me and I let him. It was a very intense, powerful hug and when I started to let it in, I got uncomfortable and pulled away and deflected and the teacher called me out on that. I kind of wished she would have let it go a little longer, but I'm kind of glad it didn't because I got to talk about what was going on, identify what was happening, and then sit down.

So I went out with some of my classmates afterwards, for the sake of being social. If one of my problems is that I'm afraid to let go and let people in on stage because I don't know them and, perhaps more importantly, they don't know me, then I should try to get to know them so we can trust each other on stage. It was fun, but a little odd. I was reminded of how much of an introvert I am. Not in a bad way, but there was lots of conversation going on, very revealing conversation some of the time, and I had a lot to contribute, but I didn't. I was content to sit and listen to most of it, only throwing out the comments or anecdotes that seemed most appropriate. I think one of the men was really trying to connect with me or get me to "come out of my shell," so to speak, but I was trying to show that I'm not really in a shell. I'm just letting other people have the spotlight for a little while. I don't need it most of the time.

It was a good class and a good night, but a strange class and a strange night. I'm really looking forward to starting an 8-week session in the fall so that hopefully, I can get over some of my comfort and trust issues and I can really go balls out in the exercises. And I'm looking forward to getting to know this new group of people. Slowly, of course, and on my terms (at least partially). But I think I could get a lot out of hanging out with these people.