Thoughts

Another great class. I find myself not working as much as some of the other students, but I'm getting a lot out of the observation as well. By "much," I mean "frequently." I don't jump in much on other people's exercises, and for some reason, people don't really jump in on mine. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. You're supposed to jump in when you see something that isn't being acknowledged, so if people aren't jumping in on my exercises, maybe that means we're connected and in the moment? I know there were things in my exercises tonight that weren't acknowledged. I halted some of my own impulses. I had a partner who wasn't reading me.

I think a lot of people are still going into this with an agenda. "I am going to have a moment." "She is timid so I'm going to comfort her." And if something happens that is contrary to that agenda, it seems like most people have a safe place to which they retreat. One guy sits down. One woman gets defensive. I don't want to be safe! I want to be safe in that I'd rather not walk out of there with shards of glass in my skull or anything, but I don't want the exercise to feel safe. I want to be scared and challenged and pushed beyond my own boundaries of safety to see what lies on the other side. That's one thing that I have always admired about one of my favorite dancers in Chicago - he dances outside of his own comfort zone. I want to act outside of my own comfort zone. And I think in a way, the class is set up to be kind of strange. A few of the people in there know and have worked with one another before, but a lot of us have not. And this is the kind of work where you really have to trust your partner. The second you decide to censor yourself and not go there, the exercise loses it's momentum and energy, and can become an exercise in frustration for the other person. Honestly, I don't care what these people think of me as a person. My performances in class do not define me as a person. Because I'll admit it - I go in with an agenda, too. I go in with something in mind that I want the other person to read and if they don't get there, I try something else. And if they start going somewhere else, I try to keep up. I would like to think that my goals are about my partner. Driving home, it occurred to me that this exercise is like sex. The first time you do it with someone, it can be strange and awkward as you try to feel the other person out. Neither person is comfortable asking for what they want or what they need, and both are afraid to fully invest themselves and be vulnerable. And sometimes, you get so wrapped up in trying to let your partner have a moment that you forget to participate on your own personal level (or you get so wrapped up in having your own moment that you forget to work with your partner). The more you work with someone, though, the better you get at it. Sometimes. Sometimes, you work with someone so much that the two of you get complacent and comfortable with one another and all of the tension goes out of the room. There are a couple of people in the class who when one of them goes up, you can pretty much bet that the other one will jump up a minute later, and I was kind of glad that the teacher called them out on getting conversational because I really didn't want to watch them flirt and make out again.

And then there was a guy who was too conversational, to the point of almost avoiding the exercise. Which might have been interesting if he was good at thinking on his feet, but he would get flustered and lost in words instead. The whole point of this exercise is that the words don't matter. You don't say one until something makes you say it and then you repeat that word until something makes you say a different one. If you can't think of a new word, it's probably because nothing has inspired you to find a new word and that's fine - just keep repeating the last one. But the moment you step into your head and try to come up with some interesting, clever way to say something that will elicit a response in your partner, you stop giving your partner anything to work with. You disconnect with them as you connect to yourself. I'm not saying you shouldn't be aware of yourself and your impulses and what you are feeling about certain things, but you shouldn't find yourself sitting in it. If someone calls you nice and you don't like it, stop being nice. If someone turns you on and you want to kiss them, do it. Don't sit and think, "If I kiss him, he'll take it the wrong way and then we'll feel awkward and now I'm conflicted because I want to kiss him but I don't want to kiss him and wouldn't it be nice if he wanted to kiss me instead?" Act! Not in the "be an actor" sense, but in the "just do it" Nike kind of a way.

I'm not pointing these things out to point fingers. I get wrapped up in my own thoughts, too. I second guess my impulses. I find myself wondering what is wrong with me that people react (or don't react) to me the way they do (or don't). There is a part of me that wants to take it back to the sort of odd structure of the class. These people don't know me from Adam, and are therefore afraid to get up on stage and take risks with me. I don't know how to let them know I won't hurt them, and that they can't hurt me. Or that it is okay if they hurt me. Or that if I yell at them in an exercise, it doesn't mean I don't like them. I want to put a disclaimer on the start of class next week that says, "I like you all as people. Nothing you can do or say on stage tonight will make me stop liking you all as people. If you feel the need to hold back for my sake, please don't. If you feel the need to hold back for your sake, I'm probably going to call you on it. If you let it all out, I will embrace it and be very kind to you." Or something to that effect. I want them all to know that.

Through these classes, I have also become acutely aware of my own gender. Normally, it's not really an issue for me. I'm a person. I work with people. I talk to people. I don't speak to men differently than I speak to women (generally). Perhaps it comes from years of rejections from men that I just go in assuming they're not attracted to me, so I approach pretty much every relationship from an asexual perspective. Yes, there are a couple of notable exceptions - men I have no idea how to talk to because I really want to talk to them in that sexy, flirty, confident way, but I don't know how or don't have the confidence to try. But for the most part, six days out of every seven, I'm a person, not a woman (if that makes any sense). But last week, one woman said she wanted to work with a certain man because he was a man. I've noticed that she has very different interactions with men than with women. She flirts with men and toys with them. She is standoffish with women and seems to go into interactions with women with her guard completely up like she really doesn't want to be there. There are a couple of pairs of men who have had really awkward interactions because it is as if they don't know how to talk to other men. And I realized tonight that I have not worked with any of the men in class, and that most of the interactions I have had with women are of a semi-nurturing nature. Seeking friendship and comfort and positive feelings (the notable exception being the woman who is uncomfortable working with women). But what this whole thing has done is re-acquaint me with my own gender and the hidden sexual potential (or lack thereof) therein (which honestly makes me uncomfortable and self-conscious). I don't know how the men in this class would react to me. I think a couple of the men in class last night found me attractive. I would even go so far as to say I think some of the people in this class are confused regarding my sexuality. Maybe that is threatening? They haven't been able to place me yet, so they don't know how to interact with me. In a way, yay. In a way, boo. Interact with me as I am in the moment in the exercise. Yay, though, because it would seem to imply that I have been different enough in each of my exercises that I can't be typed yet.

I don't know. I think I'm babbling now.

I think, too, that there is a difference between reality and truthfulness. This exercise is looking for truthfulness. If you feel like walking away, walk away. If something your partner did makes you want to hug them, hug them. In reality, first of all, we wouldn't be talking to each other in one word sentences like this. But also in reality, it is not always appropriate to walk away from someone you are having an intense interaction with, nor is it appropriate to hug a stranger. I think that while this exercise is excellent for finding truthfulness that you can infuse into the imaginary reality of a play, people need to remember that this is not reality. This is an exercise. You are feeling real things and doing real things and acting on real impulses that come from a very truthful place, but what you say and do is not going to look anything like how you interact with ordinary people in your ordinary life. This is a heightened reality - it's okay if your conversation doesn't make sense.

I dunno. I'm having fun. I'm loving being in class. The teacher noticed that I have made progress from last week to this week, and even between my exercises tonight. I think I cold be really good at this and I very much want to keep learning.

I need to remember to stretch, though. I'm still all kinds of sore.